The One Where I Can't Even Buy Socks

I have always been extremely great at using my resources and being extremely self-aware. I can't remember a time when I was uncomfortable sending a quick email to the person who may have all of the answers that I need, or calling and having a long conversation with a stranger. Also, when I had a summer full of anxiety attacks, the first thing I did upon getting back to college station was sign up for therapy and a doctor's appointment to get medication to control it all. In college, I submit my papers to the University Writing Center to be checked before submitting them to the professor. I fully know my resources for any problem that I'm facing and know when I need to use them. With all of that being said, I'm also absolutely terrible at making any kind of decision. If it's simple, sure. However, if it is something that requires a lot of thought, I need time to weigh all of my options. I feel as if my slow-decision making skills tend to annoy lots of people. What triggers these awfully long processes? Well, have you ever held the Cheesecake Factory menu book? Have you ever brought me to a book store? Have you ever been with me when I'm trying to pick the correct socks to wear in the 30-degree weather of Europe? All of those situations involve a very slow decision-making process on my end. And many people in my life can vouch for that. However, because it takes me a while, does not mean that I am not capable of making decisions. I think that goes for anything- just because it's done slowly does not mean it cannot be done at all. I just need time.

Anyways, I say all of this because today I felt incapable of doing something as simple as buying socks. So, you win some, you lose some I guess.

Emma Jane

Losing all kinds of weights

Lately, I have been losing weight for no apparent reason without actually putting forth any effort. 

For example, these pictures show a 15-18 pound weight loss between the first and second one. The only thing that I've really done for myself is that I stopped snacking as much. I mean, sure, I got surgery- but they didn't take away close to 20 pounds. Medically and physically, I don't know what's going on (although I hear Isabella telling me that coffee is NOT a meal and my eating habits are terrible).  Mentally, there's been a lot of "weight" being lost. 

For starters, can we just PRAISE GOD that my anxiety doesn't absolutely control my life? I might put that in every single post from now on, but I'm so so so excited that the extrovert inside of me can live on in a happy and meaningful life. Anxiety truly kept me from enjoying people- which is what I love to do. I love to love people. And now that its heavy shadow has been cast away- I am free to experience the love that I try to give out. Granted, accepting the love from people is a little harder. 

Speaking of which- has your love language ever changed based on a situation? Mine used to be 110% words of affirmation. After my ex of sorts broke my entire heart simply by using the words "I love you" and giving me adoration through words, I haven't been able to feel love through words anymore. Now, it's quality time. And that's perfectly okay. I think I prefer it. But in terms of weight being lost, I'm very blessed to be able to say that I forgive him. I carried around the weight of fear, loneliness, and an unforgiving heart towards him- and I've left all of the weight and pain I carried for years at the foot of the cross. I used to be so afraid to love people again, so lonely because of his absence from being my absolute best friend, and unforgiving because of everything that he had done-but also not done. I was so angry at the person who said that they had loved me, yet did not want to commit to only me, and it took years for me to drop that weight of feeling like I wasn't enough. Because the cross says that I'm enough, and that's all I truly need. 

The third weight that I've dropped is this need for approval from other people. Quite frankly, living a life where you need constant validation from other people is exhausting. Being in college has really made me realize that nobody cares about you. And I say that in terms of addressing that nobody cares what you look like, if you wear the same outfit all week, or if your hair is straightened or not. And boys? Who even cares?? (Jk I still do LOL, you can't help the whole attraction thing). However, no man can tell you who you are. Only God can (I memorized that phrase from the page like 154 of Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge). The only person who's telling me who I am is Jesus, and he says that I'm enough. I am SO enough. The more I dive into his word (okay, maybe like doggy-paddle through it) the more I am realizing of his tremendous love for us. I don't deserve or understand it, but somehow it still comes running after me.

This summer was not a good time. I was drinking a lot, doubting my God, and my heart was one that was full of panic attacks on the daily. I'm so blessed to have dropped the weight that this entire summer carried. I dropped all of my drunken adventure stories at the feet of Christ with my hands held high in surrender. In order to drop our weights, we have to let go of them. You can't hold on and let go at the same time. I now chose to let go. 

Let's do it together. 

Emma Jane