So, my title here kind of gives the topic of today's blog post away. I want to talk about toxic relationships today because I see them constantly-in my own life and of those around me. I don't think I was made aware of what a toxic relationship was until I junior staffed at Camp Lone Star the summer after my sophomore year of high school. The dictionary definition of toxic is: causing unpleasant feelings; harmful or malicious. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem too great. A relationship is a connection, association, or involvement {with someone}. Uh if you’re supposed to be with someone, why would you put up with the unpleasant feelings?
I’ll tell you why. You tend to fall in love with that person. Therefore, when someone who’s a third party says “hey, that person is no good for you”, you’re so reluctant to listen or believe what they say. The example I usually use is this: an abused child will always run to the parents who have hurt him or her. The child still loves his or her parents regardless of the toxic relationship between them. The parents are abusive, so it’s easy to be a third party and say “hey, they should leave and get new parents.” But in our own lives, that’s a little harder. We say, “I love this person, so I can handle it. I can handle constantly questioning my worth to that person or handle the fact that they’re in a relationship and telling me that they love me too. I can handle the occasional punches or the blows to the self esteem. I can justify all of this out of LOVE.”
Do we actually know what LOVE is? Love is Jesus dying on the cross for us. He loved us so much that he gave his life for people like you and me. We’re called to love our significant other like Christ loved the church as well. Does loving someone like Christ loved the church look like “Hey, I love two people at the same time” or “Hey, don’t plan on getting attached to me, alright?” or “Hey if only you would lose a little weight, I also wish your butt was bigger” This is some sub-par loving if you ask me. It’s some toxic loving. Emotional manipulation will never be love. Christ didn’t emotionally manipulate the church, he DIED for them to take away sins.
So what happens when you realize this? “Oh, this love is bad for me. This love is hurting me more than fulfilling that place that God left for someone perfect.” Well, the first step is to cut off ties, in the best way possible. That lame “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse might actually work. Just because someone’s toxic for you, doesn’t mean that they will be for someone else- we all have different emotional needs. A person doing something harmful to you doesn’t rule them as a harmful person for everyone, let’s keep this in mind while I rant. However, you gotta block them on snapchat, twitter, instagram, tumblr, whatever it may take. GO ON A DIET! THEY ARE YOUR CHOCOLATE CAKE AND YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEONE WHO’S YOUR CARROT STICK. What I’m trying to get at is that they’re bad for you, so once you realize you need to diet, go all out. Throw the cake away, replace your whole fridge of friends with people who are there to support you in everything you do. Hit up old friends that have lots of wisdom. Do not- I repeat- do not go hit up this toxic person when you are sad. That is how you slip right back into feeling sad again. You worked so hard to get them out of your life, why invite them in again? What good will that actually do you?
Eventually you’ll probably start to feel how John and Stasi Eldredge describe in their book, Captivating : “If only you had been prettier or smarter or done more or pleased them, somehow it wouldn’t have happened. You would have been loved. They wouldn’t have hurt you. And most of you living with the guilt that somehow it’s your fault and you aren’t more deeply pursued now.” (Page 86).Somehow, when we’re treated badly, our brain goes to thinking it’s all on us. This is not true. There might be days where you break down in the middle of the kitchen and miss that person. That’s alright. It’s a healing wound. You’re healing. Whatever that process contains will be okay- as long as it’s far away from them. If you wanna go to Dairy Queen and get a blizzard to numb the pain for a while, that’s alright. Also, don’t you dare think that you’re not allowed to be sad about a relationship that you ended. Heck yeah you are. You’re still grieving just as much as you would be if the other person did. If they ended things, you’re entitled to your healing process as well- as long as it doesn’t involve them. They’re your bag of puffy cheetos. Try to find the salads of the world, and stick to them. They’ll get you much farther.
Citation
Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. Nashville: Nelson, 2005. Print
