Today I wrote a letter that I'll never send. Now you may be thinking, "Why would you write a letter if nobody is going to read it?" I guess you could ask the same question in theory "Why do you write a blog if nobody ever reads it?" So yes, point made. However to answer the second hypothetical question, I write on this blog for a few reasons. Sometimes I hope that maybe somebody struggling in the same areas of life will read it and think "Well, they're still around and getting by, so maybe I can too." Also, the second reason I continue to write on here is so because this is how I identify myself. I'm a writer. That's just how I seem to get through life, with this notion that I have something to cling onto, making me who I am. I know that Jesus is who makes me who I am, but I think writing about life and about Him are a big part of it too. Also, lastly, I write on here to figure things out. Sometimes it's like one of those "What would you say to a friend if they were in that situation?" kinds of things. Maybe if I can explain how to deal with the same problem I'm struggling with, It will make sense to me, and maybe other people. I seem to be on this struggle bus quite often, but I think it's okay. Constantly I tell myself to keep pushing through just one more day. Because if I can make it through one more day, then the next one is right around the corner with something even better.
Back to my letter scenario. Writing letters for me really means a lot. I think it's a tangible way to let people know how you're feeling. Social media does wonders, but the words seem more empty, and they're not always as direct. There's no way to say "you broke my heart" on twitter and be sure that the person sees it or really knows what you mean by it. It's just more dicey over social media. Don't get me wrong though, I'm always on it. Probably more than I really should be, but it's good.
There are a few reasons that I'll never send the letter that I just wrote. First of all, that gives the person receiving it some sort of power over me. I'm extremely stubborn, if you can't already tell. I wouldn't want the person who the letter is written for to know that I took the time out of my day to think about them. It was quite a negative letter, because some things you just can't casually say. Everything makes a lot more sense when you write it all down. I have an entire drawer full of letters, but most of them are for myself. I get to open them in the future, like miniature time capsules. In a few years, I'll go back and read all of these letters. Maybe life will be going really well for me, and I'll be able to open my very angry and sad letters and laugh. For instance, "remember when that dumb boy took a punch to your heart? and you thought your world was drastically ending every few weeks? those were the days..." and laugh. I want to laugh when I think about my past pain, heartbreaks, and crazy teenage years. It brings me so much joy and hope that there's going to be something better ahead. So yes, maybe that's why I write them. Hope. I know that there's always hope when you've got Jesus on your side, but what's to add a little more?
well, thanks for sticking it out with me for the last year or so
have a good day
oh and happy valentine's day !!
Emma Jane
