gas money

psa: the title doesn't mean anything important so keep reading

Well, most days I come up with an entire blog post in my head, and forget to write it down. Today is one of those days. The last few days have had me feeling emotions way too strongly, and I've enjoyed it in some cases, but hated myself in others. I'll start with the hate side of this. Recently, I was fully taken advantage of emotionally . And you may ask how, but that's beside the point. (P.s) If you know anything about me, I never cry. However, this instance had me bawling. Is it fair? No. But somehow I haven't been able to drop it. I'm tired of feeling like this, and maybe an apology would suffice as to being the first step into healing, but I'm aware that I'm not going to receive one. I've done it before, forgiving without any real apology. However, it took six months. I don't know if I have it in me to forgive the one who made me feel this way, but I'm going to work on trying. Sometimes I like to imagine what the apology would sound like, or even if they would bring a few flowers to show that they're sorry. But honestly all I need are some genuine words. My mother (a pretty wise woman) told me that maybe God keeps putting these people in our/my lives/life to  make this whole forgiving thing easier. It took me about 5-6 months the first time, maybe I can narrow it down to 3-4 the next. Maybe, just maybe, this will get easier. Maybe the pain I'm feeling will rub off sooner, letting me live my life for myself, and not in the bondage of someone's way that they've treated me. I'm not sure if the feeling of being trapped ever has a way of disappearing, or if I'll get strong enough to break out of the web of the scathing previous lies. Either way, eventually things will get better, including my hurting heart.

I hope that if you're needing to forgive someone, just know to take the days one at a time. It will come in due time. Have a blessed week :)

All I want for Christmas is a Hallmark Movie

Well,  once again I have become inspired. November was full of posts, but it's the end of December and this month seemed to clog my brain all up. Maybe it was too full of Christmas songs to come up with something worth writing. I really like that "All I want for Christmas is You" song. I guess the words had never resonated with me until this year. Deep down, we all want someone for christmas. It doesn't even have to be some newfound lover or anything. I mean, it always can possibly be. However, Christmas sometimes reminds us all that we're yearning for someone who we used to think we need. Or maybe we actually do. Sometimes it's a parent or family member. Maybe they're overseas. Maybe they're in prison or the hospital. The people we want for Christmas are the ones mostly unreachable. It's the heartbreaking truth, but the holidays can bring so many people sadness instead of joy.

However, in some cases, like the cheesy Hallmark movies, the person that the girl wants for christmas is the cute boy who just 'happens' to want her back too. I hate to be the one who breaks this to you, but somehow real life doesn't work like that. In real life, relationships and people meeting is a messy kinda thing. Half of the time, it doesn't work our for the better and hearts are broken and stabbed at.

Nothing ever seems to go smoothly; but in the real world, if you're one of the lucky people, the smooth factor doesn't seem to matter because you're with the love of your life. That's when you know you've got the whole world.

 That sounds cheesy too. Dang. Let's just leave it with "most people suck" and call it a day.

Basically, life isn't a Hallmark movie, but all I still want for Christmas is you.