"For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
I was looking in the journal that I used to bring to church every Sunday and to Breakaway every Tuesday, and there hadn't been anything written down in there for an entire month. For me, as a journaler, that's a pretty long time. The journal stayed in my backpack for that duration, and never once was pulled out. Because of work, I haven't been able to make it to church on a Sunday morning, and I haven't felt like I had time for Jesus.
In college station, I feel like that's where Jesus lives. And at home, it's almost as if he's not there in my life. He's not presently shining through my life like he was in college. Because a month ago, I was on fire for Jesus. I was so hungry for teaching and so eager to learn everything that I could about him. I was so devoted, so involved, and so energetic for the love that He has for me. However, I've recently been the opposite. I've pushed Him aside to fulfill my own desires, and to give into the earthly pleasures of this world. About a year ago, I struggled with something and thought I was done struggling with it. Yesterday, I learned that I will still do anything to gain approval from the people surrounding me and that I still will have temptations that I give into to earn that approval, whether it's giving up a part of my sexuality, drinking, or becoming someone who blends in with a group of people that I know are bad for me.
It was so easy in College Station to stay sober, feel loved, and go to church every Sunday. Recently, I've sacrificed a big part of myself in order to become someone I'm not. I'm not a girl who forgets who her Savior is. I'm usually not a girl who uses cuss words, but I've been dropping them like they're a part of my normal vocabulary lately.
This girl who drinks, cusses, and does stupid things in order to gain the approval of others is not who I want to be. However, I've lost the girl who is racing towards the love of God. I've lost the girl who is selfless, happy, and easy going. I used to be so relaxed and so confident in Christ, but now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a corn maze without a map or a direction to go. Part of me feels this overwhelming desire to lock my phone up in a box, go outdoors, and stay there for a very long time. My head is so fuzzy with all of the wrong things, and I'm not sure what I prioritize anymore. I wrote an Odyssey article about how I'm my biggest priority, but shouldn't God be that?
Maybe I've forgotten how to prioritize Him. And maybe I've pushed Him away to fulfill my own desires and give into everything that the world wants from me.
Hopefully, that will change because I miss the girl from College Station who knew that her citizenship is in Heaven.
