Greeting cards// madness

So. I'm gonna talk for a little bit, then explain this adorable picture that looks like it was stolen from a greeting card. Quite frankly, this Thanksgiving break has been really good to me. Well, for the most part. I was forced to feel a lot of things at once. Knowing me, I feel everything so deeply. Which is a blessing and curse in itself. During the happy days, I got to see family, friends, and tour a college. Which were all phenomenal. The sad days? Those were tough, but at least I had one of my friends with me for two days straight. She kept me going, kept my thoughts on the more "positive track". However, sometimes it's rough jumping old hurdles. They come back to haunt you, and suddenly you're running that race over and over again, just like you were 6 months ago or even 6 days ago. Considering I learned something that took a small hit to an old wound. A small step forward is easily thwarted by a million steps back. One comment can do it, as well as an old memory replaying itself in your head. I don't think anybody said that it would ever be easy- this life that we're forced to live every day. I don't think it's ever going to be easy- knowing I traded the sadness for the anxiety. Is it fair? Maybe not. Speaking of, along with those bad days, when I have them, I forget to remember that someone's there to care about me. I mean, In the back of my head, I know it. In the front of my head, there's not much telling me that I'm loved. (This is the "feeling deeply" part I was mentioning). But you know what? Looking at that picture, I keep my eyes focused on it. Because in the moment it was taken, I can't remember one negative thought crossing my mind that day. Looking back, I'm like "Oh gosh, I hope he didn't think I was too heavy to carry". But besides that, I was smiling widely. And sometimes it's okay. Well, the whole smiling thing is okay, but I feel like if I'll smile too much, I'll become addicted to this weird version of happiness and days like that. Which strangely enough, I may have. But it's okay. These people in this picture keep me going. Honestly. They're all part of our "crew/ squad" and I couldn't be more grateful. They pick me up when I'm down. Because it happens more often than not (obviously, since I write about it on here). I'm not sure if there's anything to learn from this break, but it was good to me. It's okay to let the fear creep in, but not okay to go about thinking nobody cares about you. Find out who keeps you going. If you have it all together, try to keep someone else going.

There's this twitter trend right now where people are posting the hashtag #MentalHealthPosi and what they've been dealing with, along with attached selfies of them (and other things). It made me think. Why is everyone so mean to one another? Everyone has their own battles, and if nobody talks about them, what will happen? Why can't we all just get along? I dunno, it made me see things differently. I have this notion where I can only seem to think that I'm the only one feeling like this, but I'm not alone. And if you read this, you're not alone either. Even on your worst days, don't forget to be there for people if they need you. With all this media, it's easy to tell if someone's having a rough day. If you notice, try to make another human smile. What will it hurt? Everyone needs a good smile and laugh every once in awhile. We all fight battles. Don't forget that :)

Until I'm inspired again,
Emma Jane

something rare: a great day

So, even though I've determined that I'm a hot mess, I'm very happy that some people actually read what I've got to write. Today was a phenomenal day, really and truly. My mom, a friend of mine, and I toured A&M. Well, being me, I usually have an opinion on things that I choose to care about.

I. Loved. It. They're so friendly at the campus in general, quite frankly. They also hold quite a lot of tradition, which I enjoy. It makes you feel like you're a part of something. I think we all, deep down, long to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. This place made me, even though it was just a tour, feel right at home. I thought that since it's a bigger school, it would lose the "Home-ish" effect, but I was proven wrong. The friend I was with was probably sold on the nursing program, but most of all, the Starbucks. I was glad she came, because honestly I got to spend all day smiling with some much needed girl time, including my madre whom I love bunches!

Overall, I'm sold currently. That place makes me super happy. The atmosphere draws me in, making me very interested in wanting to be there. It was a great day :) not to mention, the very nice "view" we had of the finer things on campus :) anyways, that's all. College doesn't seem all that scary anymore, just overwhelming on picking one.

Rant// standards of "beauty" & insecurities

So. Today was a rough one. It really was. Today I: cried, had to think about a previous bad relationship, and was publically humiliated (again). It's become an all-week kinda habit at this point- the humiliation. I can't make myself magically be great at something that I'm honestly not too good at doing. In my experience, anything good can't be rushed. However, I have deadlines to meet. So I guess in this case, it's going to have to be good and I'll have to learn quickly.

So, that's always fun.

I guess today I'll talk about insecurities. There are lots of issues that people like to skirt around, but it's like trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Ya know? Actual people feeling the same actual way that you do is like actually pretty cool. And newsflash: everyone has insecurities. There are things about everyone that they don't like about themselves, or if exposed or commented on, they'll shrink up into a ball, cry, or like punch whoever decided to comment. I have them too, but I'm a teenage girl so the real question might as well be "What am I not insecure about?" Anyway, let's take my weight for example. You'd think the comment "Wow, you've been looking thin lately." would make someone smile, right? For me, I say a quick "thank you" and move on. Personally, I'd rather hear things that associate beauty with beauty. By that, I mean "Your skin looks like it's glowing because of your smile and healthy skin," Or "Your thighs are looking stronger!" Society takes a comment like "thin" and automatically associates it with the word "beautiful". Healthy is beautiful. The road to becoming healthier is beautiful. Personal accomplishments are beautiful. If you drank some water today, more than yesterday, good job! I'm proud of you. If you wore a dress that made you feel great about yourself, run with it! I couldn't be more proud. You do whatever you gotta in order to tell yourself that your insecurities do exist, but you're too beautiful and basically flawless to listen to them.

hm, well that's all I have on that one.
Remember that you're made in His image and He can conquer all of the insecurities as well.

love you guys :)

Emma Jane

Let It Pour.

Does anyone know that moment? The moment in the movies when the girl sits in her car, sees something that breaks her heart, and then hears the rain start to pour on her windshield? They usually play some sad soundtrack that helps explain what she’s feeling.

Today I had one of those moments. Usually in the movies, the girl starts to cry- but I'm heartless. Therefore, there were no tears whatsoever. 

But it did rain. 

My heart took a little punch. 

And Hello by Adele was playing in my car.

I tried writing when I was happy, but I'm pretty sure that this form of happiness is only temporary, nothing normal that lasts any longer than a few days. Today had me sad, yes. But sometimes you gotta be sad, because this like “forever happiness” is gonna come eventually. Maybe it will make up for all of the sad days. Because as much as I want to be this happy bundle of joy, I don't know how. And I don't think you can make yourself feel that way if you don't. A very wise woman once told me that “you cannot control how you feel”, and I've been running with that ever since.

I guess the lesson here is that the “happy high” runs out, and like

Most days,

You're gonna be the girl in the rain.

But if you're gonna be the girl in the rain, you might as well let it pour.

alone// sick day thoughts

YOU GUYS!! Amazon Music just put 5SOS available to download (heart eyes x 1 million)!!!!!!!!!!! Also, did you like the fiction? Should I post more or less? 

On a quite depressing note, however, this isn't all that much of a happy post.

Life has a funny rule where you can be good at something, but not like it. Or you can like it too, then you're lucky. You know what i'm good at? Well, two things actually:

1. being alone
2. taking care of people (actually, I like this one)

1. I say I'm good at being alone, because I actually am. I I do not like it. I really don't. Today especially, it's really gotten to me. I tell people "Oh yeah I'm great at being alone", but what I neglect to mention is that I really wish I wasn't most of the time. But that just is how life has worked itself out to be.

2. That brings me to my next point. Today I went home sick from school. I wasn't gonna go at all, but I have AP english and that's kinda a big deal to be present at that class. So yay me! I survived THREE whole class periods. I should get a medal for that (among lots of other things). But like I said, I went home because I was sick. I'll probably feel just as bad (or worse) tomorrow, but I'll be at that awful place (AKA school) anyways. All I wanted, all day, just from someone, was a text or a call or something from someone asking if I was okay. Or someone to say "Hey, how are you?"  However, I think that's just life. When you're the one who takes care of everyone, nobody takes care of you. Everyone calls me "mom" and I guess that's what it feels like to be one.

I also didn't go to the gym today. And yesterday I got told that I need to fix myself a little. I guess it's true, one day I'll be all "fixed" maybe. At least I'll start trying. Maybe. It's kinda iffy at this point in time.

Hey, at least my grades are good. Kind of. I'm trying at school at least. It's a start.

I hope you guys had a better day than I did:)

P.s I made chocolate chip peanut butter cookies on my little "day off" today :)
I might have been too full of cookies to eat dinner. Whoops.

just a little fiction writing for you :)

I post so many nonfiction things on here. So today I thought I would share just a little bit of what I"ve been working on for the past year. I don't have much, because in my opinion, great things always take time. If you have to rush it, what's even the point? I aspire to be a writer, however, I need to write many more pages before that can ever happen. The story is called "Man in the Mask" or something along those lines. The back story goes like this: I had a friend, whom the main character is heavily based on, right down to the name. He inspired me in a lot of ways to do great things, and writing fiction was one of them. I had a light inside of me sparkle when I would talk about the basic premise of this story, so I hope you like what I have to show you.. If not, just leave a harsh, but polite comment about what needs to change, and I might just consider it.

********************************************

10:00 pm- The Village

He scanned the room while his sleek black shoes fell dramatically with each step. His tux was smoothly pressed against his incredibly lean, muscular body as his brown, messy, hair was also neatly combed back. This was it: the one moment to get everything right. This is the Grand Ball, hosted by the prince that he’d been researching for a few months. Every single minute in the new dimension was priceless. Therefore, he couldn’t afford to mess anything up. Lives were at stake.

The lighting was dim and the music filled the atmosphere with positive vibes, for it was the prince’s ball afterwards.  Charming was supposed to find his true love, the beautiful Cinderella, here. People danced all around, smiling for no reason at all. The man in the mask went by Chaney. Chaney Ryan Monroe. Of course, he didn’t want to tell people that, for it would confuse them greatly. He looked around the room once more, searching for a wisp of blonde hair.

“Hello handsome.” He heard a voice say behind him.

“Pardon?” He asked with great confusion, forgetting that people could actually see him in this dimension.

“Do you want to dance?” She inquired.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you this question?” He sarcastically retorted. As he turned to look at her, he noticed that her hair was pinned way too far on top of her head, and the brown curls didn’t frame her face correctly at all. The makeup was splattered on, as if the artist was blind during application.

“I guess one dance wouldn’t hurt.” He told her, ignoring the way she looked. With his mask on, Chaney wouldn’t be discovered and therefore he could also look for the future princess.

He took her hand gently, swiftly making a 360 around the room with his brown, yet golden eyes. Cinderella, the woman he was after, was nowhere to be found. As he danced to the rhythm with a nameless maiden, he began to get more worried. This was his first mission and if he screwed it up, he could be stuck in this Village and dimension forever. His heart started beating heavily and he was becoming extremely flushed. Suddenly, he saw one of the most breathtaking women walk into the ballroom. Her presence filled the space like the snow on a beautiful winter day or the ray of sunlight during a storm.

**************************************

That's all I have. Well, all I'm showing you anyways. If you want to read more, I have plenty of it. If not, I'm sorry I wasted your time :)

have a lovely day:)

Emma Jane

A Thanksgiving for the Books

Honestly, I've got to mark down tonight as one to go in the record books. Our squad/ crew had an early Thanksgiving, and honestly I'm still smiling. People haven't been in my house for over an hour, but I can't shake off the feeling of being surrounded by people who I care about and know care about me. Not to mention, the food was phenomenal and I ate whatever I wanted :) Also, did I mention that I was also wearing pj's? Because that was really rad.

However, for so long, and still, anxiety runs my life. Tonight, a bunch of people were lying vertically on my bed and I decided to lay across them, like superman almost.. but the thoughts crossed my mind, "what if I'm too heavy? What if they think I'm a weirdo? What if they reject who I am? What if they don't like the real me/ the unplugged version?" Quite frankly, I'm used to those feelings because they constantly happen every day. That's who I am. Feeling as though you're never "good enough" or "skinny enough" or "strong enough" or "pretty enough". Tonight, they were constantly streaming through my mind, but I think tonight was so great because I got to be myself and try to ignore them as best as possible. It's easier when you know you're surrounded by love.

What touched me though about tonight, is that everyone gathered in a circle, and I said grace before eating. Something that usually terrifies me, but with this group of people, it came very easy. I hate to say it, but these people make me incredibly happy. And if this feeling ever goes away, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. As I said before, everyone has something special about them, and when we're together- it's shown so well. These people are honestly a gift from God, because I'm not sure where I'd be without their consant joy that they bring into my life. I know I'm very repetitive, but it's this pure happiness that drives me.

Overall, it was a Thanksgiving that belongs in the books. Spending time with so much light in my life should be illegal because I got to throw my head back and laugh, the real kind. I got to see how much the people here tonight care about one another. I got to experience fellowship. I got to show people my dart throwing skills (which shouldn't go down in the books). I also got to smile, widely. The kind of smiling that I'm trying to write more about. It may not happen very often, but when it does, it's kinda a big deal.

You know what's also a big deal? Jesus! I'm so grateful that he's put these people in my life for me to love. I'm also blessed to have most of our squad love Him, the One True King.

My entry was not organized, whatsoever. I apologize, but I'm not gonna apologize for my sheer happiness. Today I didn't learn anything except to try to shut up the thoughts in my head. Everyone faces them, no matter how loud they are and how much of an impact they have in your life. Remember that it's okay to be happy. It's okay to have a great day. It's okay to surround yourself with the people that you care about a ton.

Anyway, have a great week.

or until I write again

Emma Jane :)

Happy.

So I'm going to try something new: writing when life is going well. Maybe I'll start off by bragging about the coolest group of friends I've had in awhile. There’s eleven of us, and we call ourselves the “crew” or “squad”. Very original, I know. Each person in our group has something uniquely amazing that contributes to the big group of us. Some of them are funny and good at telling jokes, others are great at having deep conversations with you, and some of them know how to make anyone smile. Lots of them, however, have all of these qualities. Overall- most of them love Jesus. This constitutes to a very happy Emma and someone who enjoys what's going on around her. I didn't realize how much of an impact these people would make on my life, but honestly- it's one of the best groups I've had the blessing to be a part of.

Happiness; the whole consept used to scare me honestly. I've gotten used to it now though, this settling fact that I'm enjoying my life and the people in it. Someone that I care about, from our crew, once told me "...think about how it's good now and things are different and that's why you're happy." And honestly, the've got a point. I don't think I'd ever looked at life that way, considering i'm a pessimist. Things might be different for me, but isn't that a good thing? I was so full of the unhappiness in the past, resulting in it swallowing me up that I forgot to see that when things change, it's sometimes good. Anyways, this is a new thing. There are no lessons learned, or any amazing revelations revealed today, because right now I'm...Happy:)

Things I'm thankful for:
1. Family dinners
2. squad/ crew members
3. Grandparents
4. good music
5. the window that opens when doors close
6. (is putting "food" on here terrible? I enjoy eating, sorry)
7. friends 200 miles away
8. friends 900+ miles away


Sidenote: Has anyone seen Spectre yet? Also, listen to the song "Great Are You Lord" by All Sons & Daughters. I love it super much.

-Emma Jane
Romans 5:3-5
Romans 8: 28