Now, I know what you're thinking. "The titles of your blog posts never make any sense." This is very true. This blog is my way to talk about pain in a way that makes sense to me. It lets me figure things out, one word at a time. Sometimes I think this page is bigger than just myself, but other times I figure that nobody wants to read what I've got to say. After all, it is only just my opinion on things that hurt me, or make me smile. Pretty much whatever I want to say, I do.
Quite frankly, I've considered myself to be at "square zero". I got hurt...again. And it seems to be a pattern: I do something that makes me happy, I choose to be around people who do, and then something gets all screwed up and leaves me feeling broken and hurt. I know, VERY original. Life could be a really bad soap opera for me. However, this time felt all the more different. For whatever reason, I decided to trust in the theory "What's the worst that could happen?" and I find this extremely ironic considering this is where I am right now. (( something bad actually DID happen))
Even though my heart is hurting, and I'm trying to figure out what I want and who I want, I know that I'm here in this place for a reason. God put me here to feel like this so maybe I'll learn something. Maybe I'll find out more about myself and who I am, and who I'm going to be. At the Beta convention, one of the speakers stressed that "direction determines destiny" or something along those lines. That day, I felt like an utter failure. I don't think I've gone the right direction in a very long time. I haven't learned much in my decent amount of years of life, but I do know that you can fall seven times and stand up eight.
This world is so full of failure and disappointment. It's really saddening. Some people can cause you to fall even more than seven times. (I have way too many sad blog posts so I've definitely fallen more than seven). However, I've also learned that in the midst of all of this sadness, your outlook and attitude on the situation really makes a difference. If you follow me on twitter , you'd clearly see that I resort to anger. It's definitely not a healthy option, but I don't know how to do anything else. Eventually I decide to vaguely write about it.
Maybe there's people out there who feel the same way, maybe there's not. If anyone actually reads this, you're free to leave questions// post requests in the comments below. If I'm writing into the void of emptiness, then thanks for always listening to my life.
until I get inspired or hurt again,
Emma Jane
(also, maybe people keep playing with my heart because they assume that I don't have one?)
