Lately, there's been an overwhelming feeling weighing on my heart. This is the feeling of being alone, without my "person" to talk to, because frankly, I don't have one. I've never really had one. And I know that at 18, that's probably okay. However, there are small things the 12 year old version of myself always longed to have. The first is having someone else to walk me to class holding my hand. Has that actually ever happened to me? Oh no. The second is a promposal, or a date to prom at all. For some reason, the Junior High version of myself always imagined me with someone to accompany me to events like homecoming or prom. Always never having an official "date" at the Junior High dances, I don't know why I thought high school would be any different. Lastly, I'll never know what if would have felt like to have cute dates, such as a picnic, movies, dinner, or so on to look forwards to at the end of the day. But hey, it's alright. I have some solid girlfriends that don't make me feel like I missed out on that last one too badly. However, there's still a gaping hole where that hopeless romantic part of me longs to be filled.
This feeling, I know, can only be filled with Christ. I know what you're thinking "bingo! She figured it out, this blog post is over!", but sadly, no I haven't really figured it out. There's a difference between knowing something and acting upon it. Lately, I've been struggling with God, saying "why hasn't he shown up yet? I'm 18 and I've missed out on so much!" And I know I can't be the only girl out there battling with this. Because of social media, it's so easy to see an extraordinary amount of couples looking extremely happy. Anonymous accounts post several pictures of these couples that set some sort of standard for the "relationship goals" with things pictured such as cooking together, traveling together, or cute love notes. With that in constant flow, it makes the longing for my heart to be filled much greater.
However, I know that God is the master of time, and I am not. That's part of the whole faith journey thing, learning to trust his timing. Regardless of what my friends are doing, what they're experiencing, and who they're dating. Also, sadly it's such a comparison game too, it's unreal. My brain thinks "Well, maybe if I was pretty like her, a guy would notice me", so with that mentality I went to the gym, to try to work on changing myself, and I used to be obsessed with every calorie going into my mouth. This is the insecurity part of my brain talking, but it's a VERY REAL part of the high school dating scene. I can't imagine it's going to differ in college. However, sometimes I need to remember what Christ says about all of this. Song of Solomon 4:7 says "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
Man, isn't that reassuring? There's no flaw in me? It's nice to know that God created the mountains and the seas, and somehow decided that I belong on this world too (without any flaws).
Anyways, if you read to the end of this, remember that God's timing is the perfect timing and that he created you BEAUTIFULLY.
Much love,
Emma Jane
(also, here's what Hunter Hayes looks like)
