Red Light Vulnerability

Tonight, it was preached that one of the best ways to fight our enemy (Satan) is to bring to light what he's trying to make you believe. So, therefore, many brave women yelled out into the crowd what that was. However, I wasn't able to. I told myself that in order to process the night, I needed to write about it- so here I am. This is my shouting. But I realized that I couldn't shout out anything and that was the thing that I needed to shout. I'm absolutely terrified to be vulnerable with people. And this is why the enemy can work his way into my life, where he tells me to stop talking about the things that are eating away at my soul, and the things that have beaten me down before. If you go far enough down into this blog, you can see the brokenness and the light that has come from it, but I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather have people read my blog to figure out my struggles than have an actual conversation with them. Essentially, it's easier to hide behind a screen than to see someone's face after you tell them what has been going on in your heart. So maybe, I'm still searching for that approval from others, even if it's the approval that they understand my problems, and still love me for all of them. 

I'd like to think of my vulnerability as a road. At the beginning of the road, I'll tell someone about my favorite things, my hopes and dreams, and my family (the surface level things). And then, you get to a red light. And depending on how well I know you and how much I want to let you in, you might be stopped there forever. And your road is over. But if we're closer than that, I'll tell you about the boys who hurt me in high school maybe, and you'll get to know about the failed friendships that I've had in the past. But then you hit another stoplight. And that's where most people get stop my road. I'm so comfortable talking about my dreams or the people who have heart me, but talking about my inner soul... there's no way that you can keep driving down the road and getting to the end. At the end of the day, I'm scared that people won't wanna love that girl. At the end of the road are the baggage and the stuff that people wouldn't know about me by just looking, or knowing about my surface level relationships in high school. 

I'm learning that after I open up to someone, my initial reaction is to shut them out. It doesn't make sense, but it is terrifying to be around someone who has actually seen your soul, because if they reject you- they reject the parts of you that you were scared to show them anyways. I have been hurt and abandoned by multiple people who had gone all the way down my road and known the inner depths of my heart, and there's no greater pain than losing someone who knows everything about you. It's almost like starting over with someone else might not be worth it, because my heart is overly guarded. At camp, I'm always told to guard my heart, which is smart. However, I think I've built a brick wall around that thing, and if I let myself take a few bricks down, I immediately put them back up even higher. 

Is this a self-destructive defense mechanism? Totally. Do I know that doing brave and bold things set you free? Yes. Do I also know that freedom from this fear will cost something? For sure. 

Stay posted to see if that actually happens. 

Emma Jane