False Expectations

As women, we are really good at compartmentalizing sections in our lives, and multitasking all of them. This applies to men as well. As a single woman, I've noticed that I have certain guys in my life to perform specific tasks. I have one that I can call when my car breaks down, another who will come and pick me up if I need something or someone to talk to, and the one that I want to help fix my heart. I assign these roles pretty subconsciously, to where the guy may not even know he's fulfilling that role in my mind. And that, my friends, is where it gets dangerous.

With roles come expectations. And if the other party is not aware of these expectations, usually I am the one who gets hurt. My brain goes "but you're my ______ person so you have to do ______". This mentality is how I believe that I get stuck in emotionally compromising situations, romantically and with friendships. Romantically, I see a guy that I want, so I share some of my heart with him, and he generally listens. Then, without defining any sort of relationship, the guy answers back with pieces of his heart. This moment is when the expectations are set. That person becomes my: "share your feelings with him" person.  With friendships, it pretty much works the same way. I get disappointed if someone doesn't fulfill their role in my life that I've set for them, even if they don't know what that role is. Therefore, it's not fair to them for me to be angry or upset. However, I still do. I tell myself that they were my person for emotional support, physical comfort, car help, etc. or sometimes it's all of the above.

This little thing that (probably most) women do is one of our superpowers but also one of our destroyers. It's a superpower because women are wired to connect with other humans. We are so plugged into other people and we're honestly pretty good at making conversations flow and helping people feel at home in any situation. We crave deep conversations and that vulnerability from the men in our lives. However, doing this destroys us because we set up unrealistic expectations, and we end up craving attention that doesn't even belong to us. As connectors, we crave that praise as well. I would love for someone to come up to me and tell me that they felt at home when they're around me, you know? Women crave those words of affirmation that they're doing their natural abilities correctly.

However, at the end of the day, it's nobody's job to tell me that I'm doing a good job. And our validation as women comes from the Lord who formed us in His image. He created us in our mother's womb, and no set of false expectations could take that away. We have a God who never lets us down and always does what he says he's going to do. I'm blessed to know where I stand with God. It's simple. He sent his son to die on a cross to pay for all of my sins. And even though I screw up on the daily, He loves me anyway.

If you need encouragement tonight, rest in the truth that your God loves you, even when you mess up. And he is a God with no false expectations. We as women cannot screw that relationship up, no matter how hard we try.

Thanks for staying on this wild journey with me Y'all.

Emma Jane

p.s. I know I said I was reading Single. Dating. Engaged. Married.... and I STILL AM!! (It's just taking a while.)

Craving Love Like A Closed Door

I have come to realize that I crave to be loved, but I have no desire to be vulnerable with anyone. I have absolutely no desire to show parts of myself to people and re-tell my life story. I will tell anyone surface level things, but my mouth stays shut when it comes to the things that actually matter. And I'm learning that this desire to be loved is normal, but cannot be achieved without the vulnerability. So right now, it's not in the cards for me to be loved, or accept love from other people. Because truthfully, I don't know how. And I don't want to. This probably isn't healthy, but I've been living in a self-protective mode for the last two years and I don't know if I'll ever get out of it.

 I know that Christ knows our souls. He knows all of our demons, the things that we hate about ourselves, and our lowest moments. The amazing thing is that He loves us anyway! I had one person who knew the inner depths of my soul, and things didn't go as planned. Now that they've been gone for a while, is it all really worth it? Part of me wants to shut everyone out completely because that's what I do. When I get too close to someone, I usually react by pushing them away. This self-destructive behavior doesn't lead to a path where I'm able to be loved. And maybe I just crave the physical components of love- not the emotional ones. Which I think is normal for people my age. Nobody needs the emotional toll of a relationship when they're simply trying to figure themselves out, right? But then what do you do? I'm not a fan of this whole "friends with benefits" notion or the idea of having a person who acts like a significant other but doesn't put a label on it, because those options are not fair for anyone involved. But at the same time, I totally get why people do it. It's so tempting.

Way back before I got hurt, I used to be an open book. I would tell everyone who would listen what my story was because I thought it might help people or something. Or that they might love me more if they knew the scars on my heart. It turns out that it's just easier to betray someone when you know everything about them.  Quite frankly, I'm in a place where I feel like I'll be loved less if people know my past and who I was. So how do you balance being terrified to let people in and the desire to be loved? You don't. I'm learning that I have to figure out how to let someone in without feeling the need to abandon them right after they know something about me. I'm learning that being yourself and letting people in is part of being loved, and they'll probably love me more if they do know my past struggles and current demons.

At the end of the day, I need to stop lying to myself and fight my "flight" instinct. The people who stay in your life after knowing your soul are probably the best ones. I cannot let one person who hurt me dictate the rest of my life and my desire to be loved again. It's a process, and I'm learning new things every day through it.

Also, if you still read these, thanks a ton for sticking by me. I'm a mess, but at least I'm getting somewhere sometimes.

Emma Jane