Dear Mental Illness...

Dear Mental Illness,

I don't know how to start this letter because of you. I also don't know how to do a lot of things with you in my life, but I've come to terms with it. I don't think I would ever be myself without your presence. If we'd never met, I wouldn't know the value of loving people. Thanks to you, I love deeply and passionately. I also endure passionate pain. The spectrum works both ways, but I can't be angry about it. Because of the unnecessary pain you bring, I value true joy that you allow me to see on the good days. I think people romanticize you; they romanticize the hurt you bring just so they can manipulate it into being a deep tumblr post. Let me inform you that, yes as tumblr as you are, you don't do that much good. Feeling alone shouldn't be something to brag about. Also, being bitter, dark, and scared shouldn't belong to you either, but it does. You are powerful and in charge of my good or bad days. Whether the scenario is made up or not. I don't know how to handle situations well, if at all, with you next to me. I've come to terms with the fact that I have to accept it. This is apart of who I am, and despite all of the loneliness, I know I'll find someone who can handle the both of us. You will bring me down, covered in tears, several times before that ever happens, but I look forward to the day where I forget that you exist. It's been a fun run so far, and you can tell that I'm obviously "thrilled" for many more years. Until they end, thank you for showing me what it looks like when you're gone, but also how to live when you're taking over. -Em 

After

Things I learned:

1. I can't dance

2. I did anyways 

Prom night was a major success, in my book. Keeping my expectations low was probably a good idea at the beginning because the night was such a blast. I couldn't have predicted the night whatsoever, but I'm super glad I went with the perfect group of people. They're all so animated, funny, and special in their own ways. Quite frankly, I rode in a car with 4 other guys. It was intimidating at first, but I wouldn't of had it any other way :) I don't know why, but having a girl in the car made them all such gentlemen, and I'm not going to complain. So yeah, that part was pretty fun. We ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant and that was fantastic too! One of the best parts was that I felt amazing the entire night. I put myself kind of out of my comfort zone, and I also got to love myself the entire night. I'm working on the daily thing, but until then, my night of being Cinderella and "dancing at the ball" was an absolute success. I 10/10 would do it again. But in flats, or Vans, or anything other than heels. Heels made me feel pretty for a good thirty minutes, but I wasn't too happy a few hours later. It's okay though, the night was nothing like I expected it to be, but I'm thankful for that :) I know it was a kind of a random, crazy, post, but that's pretty much how the night went! Anyways, it was good. 

Emma Jane 

Before

So, I'll probably be doing a segment called "after" like in Looking for Alaska. However, my story may or may not be a tragedy. I guess we'll find out. Prom is tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect. People seem to fantasize about this night and romanticize the entire event. I'm not sure what I think about it yet. I'm not expecting the night to be like a movie moment where the boy of my dreams admits his love for me and we dance all night long. I don't expect to stand out of the crowd, or have any of these strangers realize that I exist more in a pretty dress than I do in sweat pants. I think the entire idea that you're someone else in a different outfit is completely ridiculous. I think prom is going to symbolize my ability to be confident in who I am. I want to love myself in my princess dress. I want to love myself when I'm in my sweatpants. I want to love myself when I'm sweating at the gym. All I want from prom is the permission from me to love myself on all of the days. I know it's asking this night for a lot, but I think it can be done. The scariest part is the high that comes out of all of this prom day. Getting ready is really exciting, watching your whole outfit come together. Then you get to go out with your friends beforehand and have a blast. Then you keep having a blast and you're carefree. But what happens when it's over? The happiness high runs out, and then what? There's the pictures to stare at until the next year when it happens all over again, right? Right. Therefore, to ask this night for more than I want would be atrocious and such a silly thought. I don't know what I expect, but I know what I don't want. But I know what I do want too. The "wants" are set, but the expectations are being kept low. I'm incredibly blessed to have friends to go with to this romanticized night, full of smiles, laughs, and plenty of pictures. Sorry for my lack of faith in the movies :)

Emma Jane

ps. percussion bash was lit tonight