Fire is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. And I realized that this semester has only been a series of small fires, and sometimes larger ones. One might say that it sounds like an uphill battle, but they would be wrong. An uphill battle implies that there's an ending. Fires are a great mystery, and so was this semester. You never know when a fire is going to be put out, so there's never a solid ending to it.
One fire especially was anxiety. I wrote all about it on my Odyssey blog, so you're free to check it out more in depth. But this anxiety caused a series of small fires wherever I went and I always had so many things to be worrying about, that don't deserve it. It caused the fire of having to go to the doctor every week to figure out what dosage of medication to put me on, which was stressful. I felt like I was finally getting better, but the overwhelming feeling of not knowing if it was going to work absolutely terrified me, and truly never had an end date. Do my anxiety meds have an end date? Will I be cured one day? Who knows. Another fire includes going to therapy every single week. It's exhausting and sometimes I walk out of therapy in a terrible mood, because sometimes I don't feel like talking about my problems or what hurt me the most in my life. But I know that therapy is putting out other, deeper fires.A fire also is the thing that people stand around and talk to one another. Last night, for example, lighting a fire and roasting marshmallows gave us a reason to all hangout. So essentially, it's a form of entertainment. But it's much more than that. I got to hang out with the people that I love a lot, even though I haven't gotten to be around them nearly all semester. At the beginning of the year, my anxiety tricked me into thinking that these people didn't like me. As I have progressed through therapy and medication, I realized that this is not true. Getting to be around a fire last night is the reason for this post. I'm so thankful for the people who were standing around it, and I'm thankful that it brought us all together to bond in a place where you hardly get cell service.
Do You know what I also realized about fires? It's really all about who helps you put them out. Naturally, I have to thank my medication and my therapist for that, but there are many other people that stood beside me this semester, regardless of what was happening with my brain. There are people who truly got it. My two roommates (who I love to death) stuck with me through it all and understood if I was having a bad anxiety day. A few of my church friends, like both Emily's, Cheyenne, Kate, and a few others, helped to put out those fires. I've had countless people pray over me and for the anxiety to leave, and I couldn't be more grateful.
I believe that although all of these people help me put out the fires, God truly is the one holding the big water hose and driving the whole fire truck. When I was younger and living on the Seminary with all of my bffs (you know who you are), they would host a Field Day for all of the kids. I don't remember any other part of it, but the one memory that has stuck with me is the moment where the firetrucks would come toward the end of the day and shower us with water. I was maybe 9 years old, and I was mesmerized by the splendor of the shower that I was receiving. I remember my bright pink crocs getting all muddy and my hair becoming soaking wet, but it was the highlight of the day. As a child, I didn't care about all of the small things that I would today if a loud firetruck per se showed up on campus and showered us all with water. I would probably complain about it. But do you know how I like to view God sometimes? As a big firetruck showering me with his Living Water through the eyes of my 9-year-old body. I was enchanted by the truck, just as I am enchanted by our creator. He's put out all of my fires essentially, and thanks to Him, I've re-connected with my friends, had less anxious thoughts, and been at peace with life. I'm learning that peace is through Jesus, and nothing can change that. Thank you to everyone who's been following this journey so far, it means the world to me.Emma Jane
p.s. enjoy these pictures of things that I find beautiful
p.p.s. My favorite song right now is "Have Mercy On Me" (live) by The Porter's Gate (please go listen)
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