However, I've learned a lot about myself this week though (probably more than I wanted to dig out). This is because this week was extremely difficult for me, and it all could have been avoided. This past week, I joined Tinder so I could write an Odyssey article about it. Basically, messing with my own life for the sake of a good read. I'm not sure if I did the article justice, but it's out there and can be found here!
Going into it, I was already terrified. I mean, like I had to talk myself into it for hours, and then I still wasn't sure about it when the app was downloaded. I had been against the entire app's concept ever since I had seen a friend of mine use it. However, I told myself to get out of my comfort zone, and I definitely got more than I bargained for.
Through that process, I kept it a secret from most of my friends, and when they found out what I had done, they all freaked out. I mean, they completely flipped. Which makes sense. I think anyone who reads this blog cares about my well-being enough to know who I am as a person. We've all seen the effects of what someone who hurt me can do. Just scroll down on my homepage.
Each one of my friends shows that they care about me in different ways. Sometimes, it's the sweet approach, and other times it's getting angry that I'm doing something stupid in their eyes. Or both. This week, I got some of both (more of the anger). And you know what? It absolutely sucked. This whole thing was so hard for me, and the idea of actually dating someone is quite terrifying. My roommate, a very wise person, told me I'm not ready to actually date someone. And she's absolutely right.
Realizing that this week really did suck too. Because you don't realize how terrifying it is to possibly be vulnerable with someone until you realize that you might have to be. Or you might not. But dating requires vulnerability, and there's a brick wall around my heart at this point. Tinder did no steps to bring that down. In fact, I think it added a few bricks. There's no way in the world that I want to be hurt again. I know that, my friends know that, and strangers probably look at me and know that. It might as well be written on my forehead.
My friends got upset because they figured I'd get hurt again, and they don't want that for me. I don't want that for me either. At the end of the day, no matter how upset at them I was for all the angry comments and confrontation, I love them to death. It's so hard to accept that someone cares about you, but I'm learning that every single day I'm going to have to convince myself that they do until I believe it wholeheartedly. For now, I think I'm going to remain single until I'm not afraid of pain, and stick close to the people who care about me. Until anything changes,
Emma Jane
