In Response

Whether it was sitting under the stars, singing songs to Jesus or out in the hot sun, doing work projects, something this summer was engraved into my brain. It was that we so often place our self-worth and our identity in earthly things such as grades, family, friends, band, cheer, sports, hobbies and who we have been loved or hurt by... we take these earthly things and let them consume us, making them who we are. When asked "Who are you?" we respond "Well I'm in band, I'm number __ in my class, and I am in a relationship with whoever..." and these things are apparently who we ARE. As humans, we place our identity within these things, and it's very sad to see. 

Within my senior class, it's especially real right now. I see so much "What's your class rank?" and the either pleasure or disappointment when you tell the other person the number. I am number 11, but I don't care. It sounds harsh, but hear me out. Lately I've observed peers who consider their class rank the same thing as their persona. "I am a NUMBER BLANK" is what it comes across as. It's pretty 2D, don't you think? There's so much more to a person than whatever rank in the class they are, and they're capable of anything regardless of what that is. Number 100 in the class is able to be a doctor, just as much as number 1. And no, class rank does not determine the work ethic of others.

Growing up, there was never a heavy emphasis on my grades. Until last year, I considered myself pretty intelligent. My parents instilled the value that I was to try my best, and if my best was a C on a test that I had been studying for all week, then so be it. I remember one instance in the 8th grade where a vocab test asked me to pick all of the opposite answers, and I picked all of the right ones instead- earning me a 50. I brought it home to my dad, upset with myself, and he simply picked up the paper and laughed at it. He let me know that it was okay to make that mistake, and he wasn't upset. It has always been like this in my family, and I cannot imagine it being any different. I am looked upon by my efforts from my family, and not the results. 

However, lately, I have felt very unintelligent because of my class rank. I am not in the "top 10" in my class, but I am merely one off. I am 11. And that has been perceived as not good enough. People do not question the fact that I wish to pursue a degree in education and be a teacher, because I am number 11.  If I was number 3, I would be asked why I have not chosen to be a lawyer or a doctor, or something that is worth my obvious educational standards. 

This breaks my heart. It breaks my spirit knowing that my identity to others is found in my educational success or failure, and that I am slowly starting to believe the lies that have been drilled into my head by my peers and by my education system. 

At camp, under the stars and sweat, I learned something extremely important. I am a child of God. My identity, in the world of things that actually matter, is in the fact that my Savior DIED for me on a cross and that he is coming again one day. I am a CHILD OF GOD. And that is it. I am a CHILD OF GOD who plays in the band. I am a CHILD OF GOD who happens to be number 11 in the class. I am a CHILD OF GOD who has been hurt many times. And I am a CHILD OF GOD who will not put her identity in the pure number given to me by a piece of paper and by those who worship that piece of paper. 

For those who do find themselves consumed with their earthly possessions/ accomplishments and making them a part of who you are, I will keep praying that you find the love of Christ Jesus within your soul. He is greater than these earthly things and earthly numbers that we so often dwell on. 

Much love, 

Emma Jane

Hunter Hayes and the Journey Through Loneliness

So, I'm not sure if you've heard "Everybody's Got Somebody but Me" by Hunter Hayes. (if you haven't, you can click here and listen) However, the premise basically follows the title of the song. He's singing about how he's alone, and mourning the end of his previous relationship while everyone around him is partnered up with the love of their lives. Like Taylor Swift, Hunter Hayes equally has a song for each situation, and this one would probably be mine.

Lately, there's been an overwhelming feeling weighing on my heart. This is the feeling of being alone, without my "person" to talk to, because frankly, I don't have one. I've never really had one. And I know that at 18, that's probably okay. However, there are small things the 12 year old version of myself always longed to have. The first is having someone else to walk me to class holding my hand. Has that actually ever happened to me? Oh no. The second is a promposal, or a date to prom at all. For some reason, the Junior High version of myself always imagined me with someone to accompany me to events like homecoming or prom. Always never having an official "date" at the Junior High dances, I don't know why I thought high school would be any different. Lastly, I'll never know what if would have felt like to have cute dates, such as a picnic, movies, dinner, or so on to look forwards to at the end of the day. But hey, it's alright. I have some solid girlfriends that don't make me feel like I missed out on that last one too badly. However, there's still a gaping hole where that hopeless romantic part of me longs to be filled.

This feeling, I know, can only be filled with Christ. I know what you're thinking "bingo! She figured it out, this blog post is over!", but sadly, no I haven't really figured it out. There's a difference between knowing something and acting upon it. Lately, I've been struggling with God, saying "why hasn't he shown up yet? I'm 18 and I've missed out on so much!" And I know I can't be the only girl out there battling with this. Because of social media, it's so easy to see an extraordinary amount of couples looking extremely happy. Anonymous accounts post several pictures of these couples that set some sort of standard for the "relationship goals" with things pictured such as cooking together, traveling together, or cute love notes. With that in constant flow, it makes the longing for my heart to be filled much greater.

However, I know that God is the master of time, and I am not. That's part of the whole faith journey thing, learning to trust his timing. Regardless of what my friends are doing, what they're experiencing, and who they're dating. Also, sadly it's such a comparison game too, it's unreal. My brain thinks "Well, maybe if I was pretty like her, a guy would notice me", so with that mentality I went to the gym, to try to work on changing myself, and I used to be obsessed with every calorie going into my mouth. This is the insecurity part of my brain talking, but it's a VERY REAL part of the high school dating scene. I can't imagine it's going to differ in college. However, sometimes I need to remember what Christ says about all of this. Song of Solomon 4:7 says "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." 

Man, isn't that reassuring? There's no flaw in me? It's nice to know that God created the mountains and the seas, and somehow decided that I belong on this world too (without any flaws).

Anyways, if you read to the end of this, remember that God's timing is the perfect timing and that he created you BEAUTIFULLY.

Much love,

Emma Jane

(also, here's what Hunter Hayes looks like) 

Museum of Broken Relationships

Alright y'all, did you see my title? This is not something that I made up to amuse you. You can learn all about it HERE :) (did you see that? I added a link for y'all) Anyways, the premise of the museum is basically to tell the stories of breakups/ relationships through an object. All of the items are donated by random people, which I think is really cool. It helps to end the stigma of breakups, and to end the crazy thought that people feel alone in them. Through the museum, you learn that people all over the country deal with them every day and the marks that the relationship leaves on them.
Sometimes the stories are funny, and others, they're serious and sad. It varies, but I love the concept. I wish one would be opened near my state honestly.

However, have you ever thought about what object signifies a past relationship or a present one? If you had to donate ONE thing, what would it be?

Ha, now it's your turn to think. 

I have mulled over what I would donate, and I definitely know what it would be. As a person who keeps anything sentimental, I could probably donate my entire closet. However, this is the museum of broken relationships I'm talking about here, so it's gotta be significant. Having not been in an official "relationship" myself,  one might look at me and assume that I don't have anything worth hanging up that signifies a relationship of any sorts. Luckily, I spent a few months deep in love with someone, without an official title. With that being said, I would definitely donate the first time the person told me that he loved me. He wrote it down on a piece of paper, a tangible object for me to hold on to. Even though we can't talk without arguing now, it still holds a special place in my heart. I think it's a worthy donation, and I might have to hang it up in my personal museum of broken relationships: AKA a shoe box.

I think we all have a personal museum of broken relationships, or something of the sort. We all hold on to things, physically or emotionally, because at one point- it mattered. And I'm learning that it's perfectly okay. It's okay to mourn for as long as you need. Days, months, or years. Because you have feelings that are valid. It took me so long to realize it, but it's becoming clearer as the days move forward. I think we all have our own schedule for heartbreak and the healing that comes with it. Also (I'm about to go off on a tangent but), I think it's a common misconception that once we "move on" that we're perfectly fine. Sorry, but I think that "moving on" is only one of the first steps. This means you've chosen to do something else, or try to love someone else.  Not that you're fully healed. It's still an open wound. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm convinced that each individual is different in their healing process and how they chose to handle things.

Now that i've talked for a little bit about breaking and healing, do you have your object of donation? Yes? Good. Use that object, and remember it. Remember how that relationship made you feel, and constantly strive to feel even better the next go around. I believe in you :) Thanks to everyone who's been keeping up with me on this journey, and has started to help me believe in myself along the way. You guys seriously rock.

Much love,

Emma Jane

p.s if you have an "object story" I'd love to hear it :)

Writing What I Know

They always say to "write what you know", so I'm trying to get better at documenting the days. I know that "what I know" will soon be changing, just like the rest of my life. Therefore, I'll try my best to write about it. However, throughout the years I think it's been astonishing that I've consistently known about heartbreak and falling in love, but on different scales. When I was younger, I fell in love with my family. When I was a little older, I fell in love with my friends, seeing what joy they bring me. On top of my love for my family and my friends, high school has shown me what it means to fall in love with another human being. And let me tell you, that's where I learned about heartbreak. When I was younger, my heart broke when I was forced to move away from Austin, Texas at 6 years old. When I was about 16, it broke at the hands of an individual treating me in the opposite of a God-pleasing way. (but God worked through me to help heal my wounds!!)

 Because of this, I've been able to write what I know. I believe I've always known heartbreak and falling in love, and how they make me really feel, but as I've grown, it all just gets more complex. I hope that they become even more complex as I grow, but that I get a little smarter along with them. I don't want any more heartbreak honestly, but I know it's coming with the complexity of my future. And boy, is that scary. I thought moving was the worst thing I could be put through when I was younger, then I thought the power a teenage boy had over me was the worst thing in the world, and I'm not prepared for what's going to come next. At the end of the day though, God's gonna take care of me. If he can have the whole world in his hands, then I know I'll be okay.

Sometimes though, I don't know anything. I think it's called "writer's block". With that, I usually start to talk about my day, and the people around me. Today was an exciting one, because I got to try something new. I got to experience a full-body massage. Which is awesome. I also went prom dress shopping, and went shopping with some friends for a guy friend of mine. Then, we all proceeded to go to Walmart and get stuff to make cookies.

With cookies made, and a prom dress shopped for, I would call today a success. I'm writing what I know, and I still think that isn't much. Maybe I knew more when I was 6 years old, or maybe I wish to only still know that much. However, I guess I've learned something along the way about different stages of falling in love, and the many stages of heartbreak. Through it all, I've mostly learned that I'm loved by my Savior, and that's what matters at the end of the day.


Thanks for reading:)

I hope you have a great day!

Emma Jane

5 Things I Wish I Knew My Freshman Year of High School

1. Your grades are actually important 

Freshman year is cool because you're not in junior high anymore, but freshman year is when everything starts to matter. Especially your grades. This is the year that a transcript is introduced, which is a scary thing. That's the little piece of paper that colleges and scholarship boards will be reviewing all during your senior year. So basically, don't slack off too much because you think that they "don't matter".

2. Make sure to have fun 

There will be a time in your high school career when you don't have that much time to have fun or to go out and do things. Junior and Senior year will hit you in the face with responsibility, so make sure to enjoy freshman year. Try new things. Talk to new people! Worry about grades, but not so much That you're up at 1am crying over them. Yes, your grades are important. but they don't control you.  

3. Eat that cookie

You're a freshman. There's no reason to count calories. Enjoy high school, because one day you'll be near the end with regrets and the constant thoughts of everything you didn't do.

4. Your counselor is your bff

I really really wish I knew this freshman year. The counselors are hired to help you, I promise. Find their email, memorize that, and don't be afraid to use it in order to ask them questions. They've probably heard your question before and probably have plenty of answers. My counselor is probably one of the biggest blessings. I ask her plenty of questions, and she usually emails me back within a few hours. However, if you aren't that lucky, don't be afraid to go into their office and ask whatever you need to in person. They're especially helpful when applying for colleges and registering for the many tests you're going to have to take before you can graduate or begin the application process.

5. It's okay to seek help

This kind of goes hand and hand with the counselor thing, but it's also sort of different. I understand that you're probably going to struggle with something emotionally. There is no shame in asking for a friend, or professional to help you get through those. Entering high school is a big change, and some people are better at it than others. Don't worry, you probably aren't alone in the way you feel. People also seem to drift away or get closer to others during this year too because of the way that everyone's classes or lunches line up. That's alright. If anything is hard for you, don't be afraid to ask someone to help you work through it. Your feelings and emotions are so valid.


Anyways, this is just a glimpse of what I wish I had known. High school is a place where everyone will grow and change in ways imaginable. Getting through freshman year is just the start of it, but it is doable.

Have a great day :)

Emma Jane

Princess Love

Today I got advice from a man who's significantly older than me, but still young at heart. He was telling us the story of how he had first gotten with his late wife when they were teens. The story consisted of her coming out for the date, him telling her that she had ten minutes to take off all of her makeup, and then them going out to a pool party and dancing on top of the high dive diving board. It was probably the sweetest story that I've heard in awhile. However, he told me that when I meet the right person for me, I'll just know. He also said "when you find a guy that makes you feel like a princess, nab him". Little did he know, that I've had a guy who made me feel like a princess. It didn't work out at all, but that's okay.

Right now, I'm searching for something stronger than a princess. I think I've known that I'm a princess for quite a while now, so I feel like one on the daily. In my humble opinion, I think I'm searching for someone who makes me feel wanted, valued, and loved. It's so important to know your worth to someone, without having to constantly tell yourself that you are, in fact, important to that person. Man, the constant reminder to yourself gets EXHAUSTING. The sad part about it is that we, as girls, settle for whatever we can get. "Oh, he's gotta care about me because he called me pretty the other day" Or "Oh, he bought me a meal, so that obviously means he cares." These are all real things I've had to tell myself when being around a guy.

You know what Christ says about that? Ha. Well, he says in Proverbs 4:23 to "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Having to convince yourself that another human cares about you is definitely not a way to guard that thing. Also, in one of my favorite verses, he says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 a little something about love, which doesn't consist of constant personal reassurance. He says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,  it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

At the end of the day, being called and feeling like a princess is nice, but it's even better to feel loved. It's going to be great to be with someone who is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, and not proud. I want someone who does not dishonor others, is not self seeking, is not easily angered, and doesn't hold a grudge against me because I mess up all the time . I want someone who protects, trusts, and hopes. So maybe through that, I'll feel like a princess. However, I think love is essentially the feeling that will surround me when I find whoever it is.

I hope you have a blessed week :)

Emma Jane

B&R (Books and Relationships)

Imagine you're carrying an open book and it's dropped. Now, there's no way you're able to pick the book up and turn to the exact page you were on, right? (let's assume there's no bookmarks) Right. That's what relationships and friendships seem to be like, an open book-subject to close whenever a time comes. It's scary to open that book open again sometimes. It's even scarier to start reading a new book all together.

Recently, I've come to discover that starting a new relationship with someone is scary. I don't mean specifically like "lovey dovey dating" relationship, but an interaction between myself and another person. I'm intrigued by them, and of course want to further our relationship by letting them into my life, but it's scary. There's old wounds still in my heart from when I had opened up to the wrong people, and they had been books that were slammed shut. I don't believe that I'm alone on this, and if you're reading this, you aren't alone either. I think it's perfectly normal to be terrified of vulnerability. I've talked to plenty of people, and I usually give the advise "is the risk worth it? They aren't worth it if they don't respect the part of you that's decided to open up" However, here I am, deciding if the risk is even worth it. What if they decide to close the book? What if they run away? What if they don't like the part of me that's not as cool as they think I am?

I think our society has always prided itself on presenting the best versions of people as possible. This is exhibited in the appearance of celebrities, in instagram pictures, tweets, and so on...We do it too. Quite honestly, it gets tiring, trying to please people or impress them all of the time. This is what I tell myself when I'm forming new bonds with people. I've gotta let them see who I really am, because trying to do otherwise would be exhausting. It's almost like posting a no-makeup picture on instagram, for the whole world to see-physical vulnerability. If someone can't handle you when you're emotionally vulnerable, and being yourself, then they really aren't worth it (also, side note, I have to spell check the word "vulnerable" every time because it's so hard to spell).  But anyways, I think it's good to let your true self show, not the version of you that you're trying to be for someone else.

Also, back to this book thing. I just talked about how scary it is to open a brand new book and start reading. However, it's even scarier to pick up a book that was dropped and open it again and start reading. Because sometimes the words seem to be in a different language and all out of order looking. Right now I'm referring to broken friendships. They could have ended because of a previous relationship, a dumb fight, or a natural separation. In order to be back in someone's life, I think one must realize that the book was dropped, bruised, and shut closed for a significant amount of time. I have no magical answers on how to restart a relationship that was once ended. I'm still struggling with that one myself. Maybe it takes acknowledgement on both ends of the faults of each party involved, and the will to want to move passed those faults in a more productive way than anger. But I don't know honestly. Turning each page is a slow process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, regret, resentment, and sadness. I believe the pages eventually become happier things, like forgiveness, remorse, understanding, peace, patience, and love. However, it's work to get there.

I think we all struggle with either opening a new book, or re-opening old wounds. I refuse to believe i'm perfect, or anywhere near close. I can't offer much, other than what i've learned through personal and vicarious experience. However, at the end of the day, no matter how fragile, heavy, or scary your personal book is (that may be a little bruised), God has his hand in all of it. He's got the WHOLE WORLD in his hands!!!  That means you too!!!

Also, class ranks and GPA's came out today. Remember that it doesn't define you at all. Jesus still died for you regardless of what that number says.

Anyways, sorry for the metaphor that gets too hard to follow sometimes.

Emma Jane :)