Imagine you're carrying an open book and it's dropped. Now, there's no way you're able to pick the book up and turn to the exact page you were on, right? (let's assume there's no bookmarks) Right. That's what relationships and friendships seem to be like, an open book-subject to close whenever a time comes. It's scary to open that book open again sometimes. It's even scarier to start reading a new book all together.
Recently, I've come to discover that starting a new relationship with someone is scary. I don't mean specifically like "lovey dovey dating" relationship, but an interaction between myself and another person. I'm intrigued by them, and of course want to further our relationship by letting them into my life, but it's scary. There's old wounds still in my heart from when I had opened up to the wrong people, and they had been books that were slammed shut. I don't believe that I'm alone on this, and if you're reading this, you aren't alone either. I think it's perfectly normal to be terrified of vulnerability. I've talked to plenty of people, and I usually give the advise "is the risk worth it? They aren't worth it if they don't respect the part of you that's decided to open up" However, here I am, deciding if the risk is even worth it. What if they decide to close the book? What if they run away? What if they don't like the part of me that's not as cool as they think I am?
I think our society has always prided itself on presenting the best versions of people as possible. This is exhibited in the appearance of celebrities, in instagram pictures, tweets, and so on...We do it too. Quite honestly, it gets tiring, trying to please people or impress them all of the time. This is what I tell myself when I'm forming new bonds with people. I've gotta let them see who I really am, because trying to do otherwise would be exhausting. It's almost like posting a no-makeup picture on instagram, for the whole world to see-physical vulnerability. If someone can't handle you when you're emotionally vulnerable, and being yourself, then they really aren't worth it (also, side note, I have to spell check the word "vulnerable" every time because it's so hard to spell). But anyways, I think it's good to let your true self show, not the version of you that you're trying to be for someone else.
Also, back to this book thing. I just talked about how scary it is to open a brand new book and start reading. However, it's even scarier to pick up a book that was dropped and open it again and start reading. Because sometimes the words seem to be in a different language and all out of order looking. Right now I'm referring to broken friendships. They could have ended because of a previous relationship, a dumb fight, or a natural separation. In order to be back in someone's life, I think one must realize that the book was dropped, bruised, and shut closed for a significant amount of time. I have no magical answers on how to restart a relationship that was once ended. I'm still struggling with that one myself. Maybe it takes acknowledgement on both ends of the faults of each party involved, and the will to want to move passed those faults in a more productive way than anger. But I don't know honestly. Turning each page is a slow process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, regret, resentment, and sadness. I believe the pages eventually become happier things, like forgiveness, remorse, understanding, peace, patience, and love. However, it's work to get there.
I think we all struggle with either opening a new book, or re-opening old wounds. I refuse to believe i'm perfect, or anywhere near close. I can't offer much, other than what i've learned through personal and vicarious experience. However, at the end of the day, no matter how fragile, heavy, or scary your personal book is (that may be a little bruised), God has his hand in all of it. He's got the WHOLE WORLD in his hands!!! That means you too!!!
Also, class ranks and GPA's came out today. Remember that it doesn't define you at all. Jesus still died for you regardless of what that number says.
Anyways, sorry for the metaphor that gets too hard to follow sometimes.
Emma Jane :)
No comments:
Post a Comment