square zero

Now, I know what you're thinking. "The titles of your blog posts never make any sense." This is very true. This blog is my way to talk about pain in a way that makes sense to me. It lets me figure things out, one word at a time. Sometimes I think this page is bigger than just myself, but other times I figure that nobody wants to read what I've got to say. After all, it is only just my opinion on things that hurt me, or make me smile. Pretty much whatever I want to say, I do.

Quite frankly, I've considered myself to be at "square zero". I got hurt...again. And it seems to be a pattern: I do something that makes me happy, I choose to be around people who do, and then something gets all screwed up and leaves me feeling broken and hurt. I know, VERY original. Life could be a really bad soap opera for me. However, this time felt all the more different. For whatever reason, I decided to trust in the theory "What's the worst that could happen?" and I find this extremely ironic considering this is where I am right now. (( something bad actually DID happen))

Even though my heart is hurting, and I'm trying to figure out what I want and who I want, I know that I'm here in this place for a reason. God put me here to feel like this so maybe I'll learn something. Maybe I'll find out more about myself and who I am, and who I'm going to be. At the Beta convention, one of the speakers stressed that "direction determines destiny" or something along those lines. That day, I felt like an utter failure. I don't think I've gone the right direction in a very long time. I haven't learned much in my decent amount of years of life, but I do know that you can fall seven times and stand up eight.

This world is so full of failure and disappointment. It's really saddening. Some people can cause you to fall even more than seven times. (I have way too many sad blog posts so I've definitely fallen more than seven). However, I've also learned that in the midst of all of this sadness, your outlook and attitude on the situation really makes a difference. If you follow me on twitter , you'd clearly see that I resort to anger. It's definitely not a healthy option, but I don't know how to do anything else. Eventually I decide to vaguely write about it.

Maybe there's people out there who feel the same way, maybe there's not. If anyone actually reads this, you're free to leave questions// post requests in the comments below. If I'm writing into the void of emptiness, then thanks for always listening to my life.

until I get inspired or hurt again,

Emma Jane

(also, maybe people keep playing with my heart because they assume that I don't have one?)

gas money

psa: the title doesn't mean anything important so keep reading

Well, most days I come up with an entire blog post in my head, and forget to write it down. Today is one of those days. The last few days have had me feeling emotions way too strongly, and I've enjoyed it in some cases, but hated myself in others. I'll start with the hate side of this. Recently, I was fully taken advantage of emotionally . And you may ask how, but that's beside the point. (P.s) If you know anything about me, I never cry. However, this instance had me bawling. Is it fair? No. But somehow I haven't been able to drop it. I'm tired of feeling like this, and maybe an apology would suffice as to being the first step into healing, but I'm aware that I'm not going to receive one. I've done it before, forgiving without any real apology. However, it took six months. I don't know if I have it in me to forgive the one who made me feel this way, but I'm going to work on trying. Sometimes I like to imagine what the apology would sound like, or even if they would bring a few flowers to show that they're sorry. But honestly all I need are some genuine words. My mother (a pretty wise woman) told me that maybe God keeps putting these people in our/my lives/life to  make this whole forgiving thing easier. It took me about 5-6 months the first time, maybe I can narrow it down to 3-4 the next. Maybe, just maybe, this will get easier. Maybe the pain I'm feeling will rub off sooner, letting me live my life for myself, and not in the bondage of someone's way that they've treated me. I'm not sure if the feeling of being trapped ever has a way of disappearing, or if I'll get strong enough to break out of the web of the scathing previous lies. Either way, eventually things will get better, including my hurting heart.

I hope that if you're needing to forgive someone, just know to take the days one at a time. It will come in due time. Have a blessed week :)

All I want for Christmas is a Hallmark Movie

Well,  once again I have become inspired. November was full of posts, but it's the end of December and this month seemed to clog my brain all up. Maybe it was too full of Christmas songs to come up with something worth writing. I really like that "All I want for Christmas is You" song. I guess the words had never resonated with me until this year. Deep down, we all want someone for christmas. It doesn't even have to be some newfound lover or anything. I mean, it always can possibly be. However, Christmas sometimes reminds us all that we're yearning for someone who we used to think we need. Or maybe we actually do. Sometimes it's a parent or family member. Maybe they're overseas. Maybe they're in prison or the hospital. The people we want for Christmas are the ones mostly unreachable. It's the heartbreaking truth, but the holidays can bring so many people sadness instead of joy.

However, in some cases, like the cheesy Hallmark movies, the person that the girl wants for christmas is the cute boy who just 'happens' to want her back too. I hate to be the one who breaks this to you, but somehow real life doesn't work like that. In real life, relationships and people meeting is a messy kinda thing. Half of the time, it doesn't work our for the better and hearts are broken and stabbed at.

Nothing ever seems to go smoothly; but in the real world, if you're one of the lucky people, the smooth factor doesn't seem to matter because you're with the love of your life. That's when you know you've got the whole world.

 That sounds cheesy too. Dang. Let's just leave it with "most people suck" and call it a day.

Basically, life isn't a Hallmark movie, but all I still want for Christmas is you.

Greeting cards// madness

So. I'm gonna talk for a little bit, then explain this adorable picture that looks like it was stolen from a greeting card. Quite frankly, this Thanksgiving break has been really good to me. Well, for the most part. I was forced to feel a lot of things at once. Knowing me, I feel everything so deeply. Which is a blessing and curse in itself. During the happy days, I got to see family, friends, and tour a college. Which were all phenomenal. The sad days? Those were tough, but at least I had one of my friends with me for two days straight. She kept me going, kept my thoughts on the more "positive track". However, sometimes it's rough jumping old hurdles. They come back to haunt you, and suddenly you're running that race over and over again, just like you were 6 months ago or even 6 days ago. Considering I learned something that took a small hit to an old wound. A small step forward is easily thwarted by a million steps back. One comment can do it, as well as an old memory replaying itself in your head. I don't think anybody said that it would ever be easy- this life that we're forced to live every day. I don't think it's ever going to be easy- knowing I traded the sadness for the anxiety. Is it fair? Maybe not. Speaking of, along with those bad days, when I have them, I forget to remember that someone's there to care about me. I mean, In the back of my head, I know it. In the front of my head, there's not much telling me that I'm loved. (This is the "feeling deeply" part I was mentioning). But you know what? Looking at that picture, I keep my eyes focused on it. Because in the moment it was taken, I can't remember one negative thought crossing my mind that day. Looking back, I'm like "Oh gosh, I hope he didn't think I was too heavy to carry". But besides that, I was smiling widely. And sometimes it's okay. Well, the whole smiling thing is okay, but I feel like if I'll smile too much, I'll become addicted to this weird version of happiness and days like that. Which strangely enough, I may have. But it's okay. These people in this picture keep me going. Honestly. They're all part of our "crew/ squad" and I couldn't be more grateful. They pick me up when I'm down. Because it happens more often than not (obviously, since I write about it on here). I'm not sure if there's anything to learn from this break, but it was good to me. It's okay to let the fear creep in, but not okay to go about thinking nobody cares about you. Find out who keeps you going. If you have it all together, try to keep someone else going.

There's this twitter trend right now where people are posting the hashtag #MentalHealthPosi and what they've been dealing with, along with attached selfies of them (and other things). It made me think. Why is everyone so mean to one another? Everyone has their own battles, and if nobody talks about them, what will happen? Why can't we all just get along? I dunno, it made me see things differently. I have this notion where I can only seem to think that I'm the only one feeling like this, but I'm not alone. And if you read this, you're not alone either. Even on your worst days, don't forget to be there for people if they need you. With all this media, it's easy to tell if someone's having a rough day. If you notice, try to make another human smile. What will it hurt? Everyone needs a good smile and laugh every once in awhile. We all fight battles. Don't forget that :)

Until I'm inspired again,
Emma Jane

something rare: a great day

So, even though I've determined that I'm a hot mess, I'm very happy that some people actually read what I've got to write. Today was a phenomenal day, really and truly. My mom, a friend of mine, and I toured A&M. Well, being me, I usually have an opinion on things that I choose to care about.

I. Loved. It. They're so friendly at the campus in general, quite frankly. They also hold quite a lot of tradition, which I enjoy. It makes you feel like you're a part of something. I think we all, deep down, long to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. This place made me, even though it was just a tour, feel right at home. I thought that since it's a bigger school, it would lose the "Home-ish" effect, but I was proven wrong. The friend I was with was probably sold on the nursing program, but most of all, the Starbucks. I was glad she came, because honestly I got to spend all day smiling with some much needed girl time, including my madre whom I love bunches!

Overall, I'm sold currently. That place makes me super happy. The atmosphere draws me in, making me very interested in wanting to be there. It was a great day :) not to mention, the very nice "view" we had of the finer things on campus :) anyways, that's all. College doesn't seem all that scary anymore, just overwhelming on picking one.

Rant// standards of "beauty" & insecurities

So. Today was a rough one. It really was. Today I: cried, had to think about a previous bad relationship, and was publically humiliated (again). It's become an all-week kinda habit at this point- the humiliation. I can't make myself magically be great at something that I'm honestly not too good at doing. In my experience, anything good can't be rushed. However, I have deadlines to meet. So I guess in this case, it's going to have to be good and I'll have to learn quickly.

So, that's always fun.

I guess today I'll talk about insecurities. There are lots of issues that people like to skirt around, but it's like trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Ya know? Actual people feeling the same actual way that you do is like actually pretty cool. And newsflash: everyone has insecurities. There are things about everyone that they don't like about themselves, or if exposed or commented on, they'll shrink up into a ball, cry, or like punch whoever decided to comment. I have them too, but I'm a teenage girl so the real question might as well be "What am I not insecure about?" Anyway, let's take my weight for example. You'd think the comment "Wow, you've been looking thin lately." would make someone smile, right? For me, I say a quick "thank you" and move on. Personally, I'd rather hear things that associate beauty with beauty. By that, I mean "Your skin looks like it's glowing because of your smile and healthy skin," Or "Your thighs are looking stronger!" Society takes a comment like "thin" and automatically associates it with the word "beautiful". Healthy is beautiful. The road to becoming healthier is beautiful. Personal accomplishments are beautiful. If you drank some water today, more than yesterday, good job! I'm proud of you. If you wore a dress that made you feel great about yourself, run with it! I couldn't be more proud. You do whatever you gotta in order to tell yourself that your insecurities do exist, but you're too beautiful and basically flawless to listen to them.

hm, well that's all I have on that one.
Remember that you're made in His image and He can conquer all of the insecurities as well.

love you guys :)

Emma Jane

Let It Pour.

Does anyone know that moment? The moment in the movies when the girl sits in her car, sees something that breaks her heart, and then hears the rain start to pour on her windshield? They usually play some sad soundtrack that helps explain what she’s feeling.

Today I had one of those moments. Usually in the movies, the girl starts to cry- but I'm heartless. Therefore, there were no tears whatsoever. 

But it did rain. 

My heart took a little punch. 

And Hello by Adele was playing in my car.

I tried writing when I was happy, but I'm pretty sure that this form of happiness is only temporary, nothing normal that lasts any longer than a few days. Today had me sad, yes. But sometimes you gotta be sad, because this like “forever happiness” is gonna come eventually. Maybe it will make up for all of the sad days. Because as much as I want to be this happy bundle of joy, I don't know how. And I don't think you can make yourself feel that way if you don't. A very wise woman once told me that “you cannot control how you feel”, and I've been running with that ever since.

I guess the lesson here is that the “happy high” runs out, and like

Most days,

You're gonna be the girl in the rain.

But if you're gonna be the girl in the rain, you might as well let it pour.