Why?

Well, today I got asked why I like to write. Or why I do this for "fun". To some people, it might baffle them because writing is the worst thing that they could ever seem to do. However, I have the same feeling towards cross country runners. I have some serious respect for them though, because I absolutely hate running. If you see me running, you should probably run too, because that means I'm being chased.

However, I write for me. It's one of the few things that I do strictly for myself. I feel like words are powerful. Each one holds some sort of meaning, and they have the ability to change the way that people see the world. I chose to express how I see humanity, on this website. I also write in several other places, documents, and notebooks- just for fun. Stories, poems, and monologues fill the pages, giving me a reason to feel like I matter. I write because I also feel like I'm good at it. I don't feel that way about a lot of things, but this, right here, ties into my worth. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to continue posting about random subjects, and sometimes they're personal and deep. But that's okay with me. I long for the people who know me to actually "know know" me as a person. I have more courage behind the laptop screen than I do in real life.

So maybe writing creates courage. Maybe it creates a place where I belong. Maybe something I write will inspire someone else to start writing down their thoughts as well. I'm not so certain about anything, but I know that this is what's kept me going throughout the last year, and I hope that anyone who reads this realizes the importance of finding some sort of outlet. I've grown to realize that things get better, one small step at a time.

Keep doing what you love, and what you feel like you're good at. People may question you, or try to tell you that it's insane, but don't listen to them.

I hope you've had a good day :)

Emma Jane

Dear Mental Illness...

Dear Mental Illness,

I don't know how to start this letter because of you. I also don't know how to do a lot of things with you in my life, but I've come to terms with it. I don't think I would ever be myself without your presence. If we'd never met, I wouldn't know the value of loving people. Thanks to you, I love deeply and passionately. I also endure passionate pain. The spectrum works both ways, but I can't be angry about it. Because of the unnecessary pain you bring, I value true joy that you allow me to see on the good days. I think people romanticize you; they romanticize the hurt you bring just so they can manipulate it into being a deep tumblr post. Let me inform you that, yes as tumblr as you are, you don't do that much good. Feeling alone shouldn't be something to brag about. Also, being bitter, dark, and scared shouldn't belong to you either, but it does. You are powerful and in charge of my good or bad days. Whether the scenario is made up or not. I don't know how to handle situations well, if at all, with you next to me. I've come to terms with the fact that I have to accept it. This is apart of who I am, and despite all of the loneliness, I know I'll find someone who can handle the both of us. You will bring me down, covered in tears, several times before that ever happens, but I look forward to the day where I forget that you exist. It's been a fun run so far, and you can tell that I'm obviously "thrilled" for many more years. Until they end, thank you for showing me what it looks like when you're gone, but also how to live when you're taking over. -Em 

After

Things I learned:

1. I can't dance

2. I did anyways 

Prom night was a major success, in my book. Keeping my expectations low was probably a good idea at the beginning because the night was such a blast. I couldn't have predicted the night whatsoever, but I'm super glad I went with the perfect group of people. They're all so animated, funny, and special in their own ways. Quite frankly, I rode in a car with 4 other guys. It was intimidating at first, but I wouldn't of had it any other way :) I don't know why, but having a girl in the car made them all such gentlemen, and I'm not going to complain. So yeah, that part was pretty fun. We ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant and that was fantastic too! One of the best parts was that I felt amazing the entire night. I put myself kind of out of my comfort zone, and I also got to love myself the entire night. I'm working on the daily thing, but until then, my night of being Cinderella and "dancing at the ball" was an absolute success. I 10/10 would do it again. But in flats, or Vans, or anything other than heels. Heels made me feel pretty for a good thirty minutes, but I wasn't too happy a few hours later. It's okay though, the night was nothing like I expected it to be, but I'm thankful for that :) I know it was a kind of a random, crazy, post, but that's pretty much how the night went! Anyways, it was good. 

Emma Jane 

Before

So, I'll probably be doing a segment called "after" like in Looking for Alaska. However, my story may or may not be a tragedy. I guess we'll find out. Prom is tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect. People seem to fantasize about this night and romanticize the entire event. I'm not sure what I think about it yet. I'm not expecting the night to be like a movie moment where the boy of my dreams admits his love for me and we dance all night long. I don't expect to stand out of the crowd, or have any of these strangers realize that I exist more in a pretty dress than I do in sweat pants. I think the entire idea that you're someone else in a different outfit is completely ridiculous. I think prom is going to symbolize my ability to be confident in who I am. I want to love myself in my princess dress. I want to love myself when I'm in my sweatpants. I want to love myself when I'm sweating at the gym. All I want from prom is the permission from me to love myself on all of the days. I know it's asking this night for a lot, but I think it can be done. The scariest part is the high that comes out of all of this prom day. Getting ready is really exciting, watching your whole outfit come together. Then you get to go out with your friends beforehand and have a blast. Then you keep having a blast and you're carefree. But what happens when it's over? The happiness high runs out, and then what? There's the pictures to stare at until the next year when it happens all over again, right? Right. Therefore, to ask this night for more than I want would be atrocious and such a silly thought. I don't know what I expect, but I know what I don't want. But I know what I do want too. The "wants" are set, but the expectations are being kept low. I'm incredibly blessed to have friends to go with to this romanticized night, full of smiles, laughs, and plenty of pictures. Sorry for my lack of faith in the movies :)

Emma Jane

ps. percussion bash was lit tonight

Workouts With Jesus

Today I went to the gym, as I do every single day. Today, however I saw someone new. He was maybe in college (I'm absolutely terrible with guessing age) and anyways, was listening to christian music very loudly. I didn't mind at all, because I thought it was fantastic. He inspired me to write for a few reasons.

First of all, I think High School is a time where everyone is extremely desperate to fit in. Who wouldn't be? We take comfort in not standing out or making any type of scene. However, I think it's also a time where people lose sight of themselves. Sometimes in order to "fit in" you find yourself doing something completely against what Jesus says what's right. We find ourselves justifying any kind of action because "it won't kill you" or "everyone's doing it" or "my friends around me say it's fine". For example: Sex before marriage. I don't quite understand why it's done, unless you've got a spouse walking you to 6th period. In my humble opinion, it's something to be treasured and saved for someone you'll be with for the rest of your life. (Also, there's diseases attached to sex & increase in high school :)  As a high school student, we live in the "now" but Jesus will be/ is there in the long run and the forever !!! Also, speaking of the "now": drugs & drinking. Not only is it destructive to the growing body, but both are illegal! One is illegal until you're 21 and the other is just plain illegal !! When you're suffering through elementary school listening to the "don't do drugs" talk every single year, you're like "of course, that's dumb" but as you get older, the "scary bad drug guy" starts to look like a cartoon character handing out free candy. Crazy little thought for the day. I don't even have to talk about drinking, because I honestlyvget it. In this pressure-filled atmosphere, you start to feel like a complete loser for not having sex or drinking your problems away. You know who we have to talk to about our problems? A God who loves us way too much! And a therapist. But relying on Jesus is probably a safer bet to help us through whatever we may need at the moment.

The second reason that this man inspired me is that he was unashamed. I'm pretty sure he was listening to acoustic, slower, music, but he listened to it boldly and proudly. He didn't turn it down when I walked into the room, and I'm so glad that he didn't ! (My only regret is that I didn't ask what song he was jamming to) I loved that today to see him not being afraid of what anyone thinks because he's a Jesus lover.

It got me thinking? Why do I feel this pulling need to conform into what society is telling me is "okay" ? Honestly, who came up with that? I have a God who sent his son to die for me and I think that's a little more than "okay". When things get tough, I gotta keep my mind on what God offers me instead of the little worldly things that bring temporary happiness. Where will you be when the high wears off? Versus Where you could be with Jesus as your God?

Have a good day!
Jesus loves you!

Emma Jane

p.s College Mound is a fantastic game :)

I'll never send

Today I wrote a letter that I'll never send. Now you may be thinking, "Why would you write a letter if nobody is going to read it?" I guess you could ask the same question in theory "Why do you write a blog if nobody ever reads it?" So yes, point made. However to answer the second hypothetical question, I write on this blog for a few reasons. Sometimes I hope that maybe somebody struggling in the same areas of life will read it and think "Well, they're still around and getting by, so maybe I can too." Also, the second reason I continue to write on here is so because this is how I identify myself. I'm a writer. That's just how I seem to get through life, with this notion that I have something to cling onto, making me who I am. I know that Jesus is who makes me who I am, but I think writing about life and about Him are a big part of it too. Also, lastly, I write on here to figure things out. Sometimes it's like one of those "What would you say to a friend if they were in that situation?" kinds of things. Maybe if I can explain how to deal with the same problem I'm struggling with, It will make sense to me, and maybe other people. I seem to be on this struggle bus quite often, but I think it's okay. Constantly I tell myself to keep pushing through just one more day. Because if I can make it through one more day, then the next one is right around the corner with something even better.

Back to my letter scenario. Writing letters for me really means a lot. I think it's a tangible way to let people know how you're feeling. Social media does wonders, but the words seem more empty, and they're not always as direct. There's no way to say "you broke my heart" on twitter and be sure that the person sees it or really knows what you mean by it. It's just more dicey over social media. Don't get me wrong though, I'm always on it. Probably more than I really should be, but it's good.

There are a few reasons that I'll never send the letter that I just wrote. First of all, that gives the person receiving it some sort of power over me. I'm extremely stubborn, if you can't already tell. I wouldn't want the person who the letter is written for to know that I took the time out of my day to think about them. It was quite a negative letter, because some things you just can't casually say. Everything makes a lot more sense when you write it all down. I have an entire drawer full of letters, but most of them are for myself. I get to open them in the future, like miniature time capsules. In a few years, I'll go back and read all of these letters. Maybe life will be going really well for me, and I'll be able to open my very angry and sad letters and laugh. For instance, "remember when that dumb boy took a punch to your heart? and you thought your world was drastically ending every few weeks? those were the days..." and laugh. I want to laugh when I think about my past pain, heartbreaks, and crazy teenage years. It brings me so much joy and hope that there's going to be something better ahead. So yes, maybe that's why I write them. Hope. I know that there's always hope when you've got Jesus on your side, but what's to add a little more?

well, thanks for sticking it out with me for the last year or so
have a good day
oh and happy valentine's day !!
Emma Jane

square zero

Now, I know what you're thinking. "The titles of your blog posts never make any sense." This is very true. This blog is my way to talk about pain in a way that makes sense to me. It lets me figure things out, one word at a time. Sometimes I think this page is bigger than just myself, but other times I figure that nobody wants to read what I've got to say. After all, it is only just my opinion on things that hurt me, or make me smile. Pretty much whatever I want to say, I do.

Quite frankly, I've considered myself to be at "square zero". I got hurt...again. And it seems to be a pattern: I do something that makes me happy, I choose to be around people who do, and then something gets all screwed up and leaves me feeling broken and hurt. I know, VERY original. Life could be a really bad soap opera for me. However, this time felt all the more different. For whatever reason, I decided to trust in the theory "What's the worst that could happen?" and I find this extremely ironic considering this is where I am right now. (( something bad actually DID happen))

Even though my heart is hurting, and I'm trying to figure out what I want and who I want, I know that I'm here in this place for a reason. God put me here to feel like this so maybe I'll learn something. Maybe I'll find out more about myself and who I am, and who I'm going to be. At the Beta convention, one of the speakers stressed that "direction determines destiny" or something along those lines. That day, I felt like an utter failure. I don't think I've gone the right direction in a very long time. I haven't learned much in my decent amount of years of life, but I do know that you can fall seven times and stand up eight.

This world is so full of failure and disappointment. It's really saddening. Some people can cause you to fall even more than seven times. (I have way too many sad blog posts so I've definitely fallen more than seven). However, I've also learned that in the midst of all of this sadness, your outlook and attitude on the situation really makes a difference. If you follow me on twitter , you'd clearly see that I resort to anger. It's definitely not a healthy option, but I don't know how to do anything else. Eventually I decide to vaguely write about it.

Maybe there's people out there who feel the same way, maybe there's not. If anyone actually reads this, you're free to leave questions// post requests in the comments below. If I'm writing into the void of emptiness, then thanks for always listening to my life.

until I get inspired or hurt again,

Emma Jane

(also, maybe people keep playing with my heart because they assume that I don't have one?)