Happy Girl// A month before 22

I don't write on here a lot when I am undeniably, inexplicitly, happy. But today I am. And I wanted to make a note of it. It might not last very long, but I'm choosing to believe it will. This blog has always been there for me, even though I don't know if anyone reads it necessarily. And it's a place where I have continued to grow, expressed such deep pain, and been able to find freedom within my writing and what I choose to show the world. Today, I am choosing to be vulnerable in a positive light. 

I'm choosing to hope for the best. 

I'm choosing to not sabotage something that is so sweet, wholesome, and makes me feel like dancing all of the time. 

I don't want to mess things up with the person who reminds me of eating chocolate-covered strawberries and drinking a glass of lemonade on a summer day. 

Do I have an overwhelming fear that I might say something or do something and scare him away? Of course. But I am going to enjoy every little moment that I get to have in the meantime. 

I don't know what's going on really- but I do know that my heart races a little faster and I cannot wipe the stupid grin off my face. 

Anyways, I turn 22 in a month exactly (whoop) but today I feel like I did when I was 12 and had a crush on a boy. 

In this month before turning 22, I am going to choose to redeem the painful scars caused by men who were mean to me. I am going to move past the wounds of sexual assault and be someone who is not afraid of men (or to be cared for by one). 

I am growing. I am absolutely glowing. 

Oh, and Jesus loves you and has the sweetest things for you when you find your identity in Him. 

An Ode to Quick Fires

An Ode To Quick Fires

you set my soul on fire
but instead of igniting it to shine
you let me burn to a crisp
in hopes of warming yourself up

so many warnings given to me
"don't get entangled with him"
"he's not good for you"
"tread carefully"

but my ears were too clogged by the opportunity
to explore unknown territory
and go on the adventure of your mind

You started as an existential crisis
the minute I noticed the flame in your eyes
because instead of wanting my usual cold brew of a man
you were an iced vanilla chai latte
and consumption was necessary

my soul knew that ours connected so strongly
in a way that I'd never known before
and the desire for friendship
was stronger than the shouting in my mind
begging like a man on the streets for affection

putting my heart on the burner and
my mind on the frontline for the first time
in order to win you over with my patience
what a war zone
in a fight that broke me

letting you know the one way to hurt me
shouldn't have been an example to follow
instead, a challenge to defeat
but you couldn't protect my heart
from the engulfing flame
of your reckless abandon

the shortest burn I've ever seen
our friendship in ashes like the forest that was unlucky
caring about you used my supply of lighter fluid
so now I'm  left with a soul
longing to be set on fire
with no supplies
except for the memories of what it was like to know a flame

A few weeks of silence and I repeat this to myself over and over
"You can't change someone by loving them harder"
you. can't. change. someone. by. loving. them. harder.

And you cannot control the short and damaging

wildfire flames.

Ladies, It's Not Your Fault

Ladies, do you ever have entire conversations in your mind play out with someone who doesn't even exist? Tonight I was imagining myself trying to explain my previous relationship history to someone new and I found myself reach the conclusion that in each situation, it was my fault for things happening the way that they did.

I guess we can start from the most recent to the least (in relevant relationships with other people).

Most recently, I had an entire ordeal with one of my best guy friends where I confessed how I was feeling. Did it end in true love? Obviously not. However, I caught myself saying "Well, it's MY fault for catching feelings and making our friendship weird." You know what? He led me on, whether it was intentional or not, for the entire duration of the summer and then the fall semester. Like, I can name several date-type situations with him. So catching feelings was a direct result of his actions.

Before that, I was sexually assaulted about a year ago. I've opened up about it with several people, and even on this blog. And you want to know something? I felt like it was my fault for a very long time. Through explaining this to a total imaginary stranger, I divulged into "Well, it was my fault because I let him kiss me" you know? "It was my fault for even being alone with a college-aged guy".  

Let me tell you all something: it was not my fault for either one of those situations. I cannot sit here and blame myself for how I reacted to the actions of other people. In the first situation, there is no possible way that I wouldn't have caught feelings for my legit best guy friend once he started showing feigned interest.

The second situation has taken daily affirmations to convince me that it's not my fault. My good friend Josh said, "Just because you're alone with a guy, doesn't mean he has to assault you. Being alone with a guy does not equal assault."

 And I have to remind myself of that daily. I've been alone with plenty of guys, and 99% of the time, I've been treated with respect. It's not the principle of the action, but the person performing it. And how I chose to react is also not my fault.

The first sentence when on the RAINN website is "Sexual assault can take many different forms, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault."  

So, ladies. Just remember that somehow we have this innate desire to feel like what happens to us is suddenly our fault. Well, it's not. However, if you do something stupid, like shoot someone and go to jail...I cannot help you with my little mantra here. So, I'll re-phrase: what happens in relationships/ friendships where we are not to blame for either catching feelings or something more drastic, is not our fault. 

Repeat after me: I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES. I CAN ONLY CONTROL HOW I REACT. MY REACTION IS HOW I AM PROCESSING, AND I AM NOT AT FAULT FOR EXPERIENCING EMOTIONS. 

ok ladies, that wasn't so difficult. 

that's all for now!! 

Newest Tattoo (Thank's Eric!!)

I don't think that I can come up with words that are eloquent enough to describe how much my newest tattoo means to me- but I'll try.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which hits home in a few ways. First, I question if I can even consider myself a "survivor". What did I survive? Second, do people know how many girls go through the pain of being taken advantage of in a terrifying situation where they say "no" and still get a guy's hand down their pants or up their shirt? Way too many.  I call it more of a "sexual mishap"- and in reality, if it doesn't feel right, it is not. If you're terrified to say "no" louder because you don't know what's going to happen next, it's assault. So, I should have done something more than escape. But, at least I got out.

Now, what's this have to do with my tattoo? Just wait. God is so cool how he does these things.

Back to my tattoo.

In March, I went on a mission trip with Antioch Community church called Revive. Revive is a week-long trip where we all give up our Spring Break and devote the entire trip to following Jesus and who he calls us to be- disciples. Each day includes outreach, where basically we just talk to people. That's truly all outreach is- making friends and trying to let people know that they are loved. And when they ask why we love total strangers, we then get to tell them about Jesus. So, when I was on Dickson Street for the 2nd day, I saw an opportunity and took it. I had been looking into getting the word "Adonai" tattooed on my body in Hebrew so I could use it as a testimony tattoo to tell people about Jesus. But then...God called me out. Basically, I was praying about that tattoo and I didn't feel peace about it. God was like "Yeah, Adonai is great and all- but how is that a testimony of my love for you? That's just my name" and in response, I was then very sure that the word "Adonai" was not my testimony.

So, let's reference the first part of this article about sexual assault/ mishap. Back in August, it happened to me. So what did I do? Tell a few people and then ignore it. Then, during the first week of February, I forgot to take my anxiety/depression medication. Why is this relevant? Well, suddenly, amongst other things, I started to absolutely spiral. It was a low point and probably one of the hardest emotional weeks I had since starting the medication a year ago. I was repeating the entire incident in my head on repeat, failing to do simple tasks at work, and had thoughts of ending a friendship that I cherish deeply. (I won't elaborate on the spiral, but I do want to assure you that I did start taking my medication as soon as I realized that I had been off of it.)

In that low place, I was laying in bed one day. In my bed, I heard God speak (which blew my mind) so clearly and say "Emma, I have more for you than this in the Garden of Life. You just have to go to it." and I was like "uh you sure?"

When I say that God has never given me a more clear "yes!" in my life, I mean it.

Therefore, I wanted to put that on my body forever. A clear time when Jesus delivered me to the garden instead of my shame and depression.

If we flash forward to me walking into Ice House Tattoo shop and showing Eric a few pictures of what I was thinking- he then tattooed the garden on me. I have never been more proud to confidently say that I love Jesus and I love the tattoo on my body that reminds me every single day that He is more and He has more for me.

So, thank you, Eric, at Ice House Tattoo in Fayetteville, Arkansas. You didn't just tattoo me, you put a daily reminder on my body that Jesus will speak to you in the lowest of times (if you open your heart to listen!).

The Lord will surely comfort Zion
    and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
    her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
    thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Isaiah 51:3

Fizzle

The definition of the word fizzle is "to fail ignominiously after a good start", per dictionary.com. 

I would argue that most of my teenage and college experience in the romance department could be summed up into that one word. The cycle goes as follows: I notice a guy, a guy notices me, we start to talk every single day, I say something wrong, the conversations get more spread out, & we eventually stop talking. It's almost as if on the outside, I appear to have it all together- but then I make a comment about something that breaks that image and I've lost the guy's attention. Or, I do something that doesn't fit the "perfect Christian" stereotype- and the guy is too shook by that to realize that I am a human being and we all have our stuff that's going on. 

And you know what? That makes me extremely insecure. I feel like I'm now under this pressure to live up to a ridiculous standard- simply to meet a boy's expectation of who I'm supposed to be. To quote my favorite book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, 

(it's page 153-154 I believe- I don't necessarily know since my dog chewed the book up months ago) 

"No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man has the verdict on your soul. Only God can tell you who you are as a woman... Adam is a far too unreliable source, Amen!" 

The reason I have that memorized is that it is completely true. I just fail to instill that into my daily life and walk with Jesus because of my own crippling insecurity that I am not good enough to meet a guy's unwritten, unattainable, standard for me. 

Earlier this week, a good guy friend of mine asked me when the last time a guy did something nice for me was (like in a romantic way). I can name several sweet things guy friends have done for me, such as show up to my Ring Day, but I cannot name anything that a guy has done romantically for me in YEARS. I don't know if I owe it all to this fizzle effect that I've created for myself, the fact that sometimes I am A LOT and my baggage is heavy, or if physically I'm just not all that beautiful in the eyes of a man. 

I'm thankful for a God who takes all of those reasons and says that His love is better than one from a guy who's just trying to figure himself out in college. Our God looks at us and says "You are not too much, your baggage is worth dying for on the cross, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made in my image"  

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

God's love doesn't fizzle either. There's nothing that I can do to un-do the power of the cross. He came to save, rose from the grave, and now he stands victoriously.

Until next time,

Emma Jane

(also enjoy these CUTE photos from the Rainbow Vomit art exhibit in Dallas)

Finding Jesus with Bob Goff

I  seem to always write better when I'm in a peaceful place, surrounded by something that I love. In this case, I am sitting in the center of the Barnes and Noble Café. I am surrounded by so many books, all screaming at me to explore their pages. I have always loved book stores because I am a dreamer. I love to write stories of things that might never happen in a million years. I love to write poems that express my brokenness, and I love to blog so I can be real with people.

In all realness, I don't have any long-term goals. Sure, it would be nice to get married one day and have a stable job- but I'm really going to go where God calls me. The minute we make concrete plans, God comes at them with a jackhammer. Being in a bookstore helps me to focus on my dreams though (much different than my goals). My ultimate dream is to be an author. Now, maybe this is a far-fetched dream and I know that many people before me have tried. However, It's mine. I want to write, but more importantly, I want to write something that matters. I want to reach the heart of that one person who feels completely lost in the world and touch them. I hope to do that through teaching, but I'd love to do that through writing.

One of my favorite authors currently is Bob Goff. He combines the things that I love: Jesus, storytelling, and realness. I'm currently reading one of his novels, Everybody Always. I love the way that Bob uses simple stories to shine the light of Jesus through them. I think we can all find a large dosage of Jesus in the simple things if we just look a little deeper (although it should be obvious ideally).


Even though my life is in this weird state of chaos and serenity simultaneously (so yes, my life is an oxymoron), I will strive to (a) produce more content worth reading and (b) find Jesus in the little with my dear friend Bob Goff.

Emma Jane

April 9th

76% of the time, I have no idea what I'm going to write about on here. Usually, it is a compilation of my random thoughts and then I land somewhere wise. However, I don't know if that's going to happen with this post. Maybe I'll start about what's currently happening in my life and what Jesus has been teaching me through it.

1. School is almost over

2. I am not on speaking terms with my roommate

3. My puppy keeps pooping on my floor.


It's not much, but at the same time, my heart is constantly in a war zone. Especially with the whole "I'm not on speaking terms with my roommate". Sunday during worship, I hard SO CLEARLY God saying that Satan has NO hold on my heart. And it's true. God made my heart. God holds my heart. It's His breath in my lungs so I will POUR out my unfiltered praise. When you're pouring out praise, you have no room to pour out anger, hate, or pettiness. I've accepted that the relationship between us is gone, but I refuse to be bitter, anxious and worried constantly.

2019 has been nothing but an uphill battle. But I will pour out praise and radiate joy.

Emma Jane

Current Jam: Pursue/All I Need Is You Meadly by Hillsong Worship

Now until forever
Jesus, I surrender
Show me what I don't know
More of You
I'm desperate for Your presence
Longing to be with You
Lead me to a new place
More of You

My Thief of Joy

I turn 20 years old tomorrow. 

I do not know how I feel about it. 

I know how I feel currently and that is: anxious, upset, annoyed, in despair, etc. 

I probably had the best time of my entire life in Europe, but coming home to a roommate who gives me so much anxiety is completely consuming me. I have lost my joy, although everyone around me claims that I am radiant. 

I feel suffocated inside my own home, and I am completely over it. 

I want to be so joyful in all of my surroundings. 

Instead, I have a thief of joy in the form of a human who has taken all of our plates and hid them inside of her room. Instead, when I really need a printer, she has also taken it and hidden it inside her room. How can someone be your absolute best friend and then pull a 180? 

I don't know. 

I don't have any answers. 

I turn 20 years old, and I don't think I've learned much of anything still.

I am doing my best I guess, and that is all I can ask of myself. 

I think I have 134 days until my lease ends, so that's something. 

The One Where I Can't Even Buy Socks

I have always been extremely great at using my resources and being extremely self-aware. I can't remember a time when I was uncomfortable sending a quick email to the person who may have all of the answers that I need, or calling and having a long conversation with a stranger. Also, when I had a summer full of anxiety attacks, the first thing I did upon getting back to college station was sign up for therapy and a doctor's appointment to get medication to control it all. In college, I submit my papers to the University Writing Center to be checked before submitting them to the professor. I fully know my resources for any problem that I'm facing and know when I need to use them. With all of that being said, I'm also absolutely terrible at making any kind of decision. If it's simple, sure. However, if it is something that requires a lot of thought, I need time to weigh all of my options. I feel as if my slow-decision making skills tend to annoy lots of people. What triggers these awfully long processes? Well, have you ever held the Cheesecake Factory menu book? Have you ever brought me to a book store? Have you ever been with me when I'm trying to pick the correct socks to wear in the 30-degree weather of Europe? All of those situations involve a very slow decision-making process on my end. And many people in my life can vouch for that. However, because it takes me a while, does not mean that I am not capable of making decisions. I think that goes for anything- just because it's done slowly does not mean it cannot be done at all. I just need time.

Anyways, I say all of this because today I felt incapable of doing something as simple as buying socks. So, you win some, you lose some I guess.

Emma Jane

Losing all kinds of weights

Lately, I have been losing weight for no apparent reason without actually putting forth any effort. 

For example, these pictures show a 15-18 pound weight loss between the first and second one. The only thing that I've really done for myself is that I stopped snacking as much. I mean, sure, I got surgery- but they didn't take away close to 20 pounds. Medically and physically, I don't know what's going on (although I hear Isabella telling me that coffee is NOT a meal and my eating habits are terrible).  Mentally, there's been a lot of "weight" being lost. 

For starters, can we just PRAISE GOD that my anxiety doesn't absolutely control my life? I might put that in every single post from now on, but I'm so so so excited that the extrovert inside of me can live on in a happy and meaningful life. Anxiety truly kept me from enjoying people- which is what I love to do. I love to love people. And now that its heavy shadow has been cast away- I am free to experience the love that I try to give out. Granted, accepting the love from people is a little harder. 

Speaking of which- has your love language ever changed based on a situation? Mine used to be 110% words of affirmation. After my ex of sorts broke my entire heart simply by using the words "I love you" and giving me adoration through words, I haven't been able to feel love through words anymore. Now, it's quality time. And that's perfectly okay. I think I prefer it. But in terms of weight being lost, I'm very blessed to be able to say that I forgive him. I carried around the weight of fear, loneliness, and an unforgiving heart towards him- and I've left all of the weight and pain I carried for years at the foot of the cross. I used to be so afraid to love people again, so lonely because of his absence from being my absolute best friend, and unforgiving because of everything that he had done-but also not done. I was so angry at the person who said that they had loved me, yet did not want to commit to only me, and it took years for me to drop that weight of feeling like I wasn't enough. Because the cross says that I'm enough, and that's all I truly need. 

The third weight that I've dropped is this need for approval from other people. Quite frankly, living a life where you need constant validation from other people is exhausting. Being in college has really made me realize that nobody cares about you. And I say that in terms of addressing that nobody cares what you look like, if you wear the same outfit all week, or if your hair is straightened or not. And boys? Who even cares?? (Jk I still do LOL, you can't help the whole attraction thing). However, no man can tell you who you are. Only God can (I memorized that phrase from the page like 154 of Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge). The only person who's telling me who I am is Jesus, and he says that I'm enough. I am SO enough. The more I dive into his word (okay, maybe like doggy-paddle through it) the more I am realizing of his tremendous love for us. I don't deserve or understand it, but somehow it still comes running after me.

This summer was not a good time. I was drinking a lot, doubting my God, and my heart was one that was full of panic attacks on the daily. I'm so blessed to have dropped the weight that this entire summer carried. I dropped all of my drunken adventure stories at the feet of Christ with my hands held high in surrender. In order to drop our weights, we have to let go of them. You can't hold on and let go at the same time. I now chose to let go. 

Let's do it together. 

Emma Jane 

Confidence

Confidence is something that I don't think hits you all at once. I didn't wake up one day and say "Wow I'm confident!" It happened (and is still happening) very slowly. I used to be entirely obsessed with the idea that I could not leave the house without putting makeup on and a cute shirt or so.  I was also obsessed with the way I looked in all of my clothes, to probably an unhealthy level. Currently, this green sweater is my absolute favorite top that I own. Does it make me look skinny? Probably not. But does it make my eyes sparkle? You BET. Does this sweater make me extremely happy because of how soft it is? YES. I love this sweater. I love wearing it. I love the way I look in it. This sweater makes me feel so great about myself, and I feel so good in it.

I think everyone needs one piece of clothing that makes them feel this way- or all of their clothes should make them feel this way. Being confident (in my opinion) is being comfortable in who you are.  I think getting a breast reduction skyrocketed my confidence by 250% for sure, but that was only the beginning.

Treating my anxiety was the other half of the equation. Anxiety caused me to be in a constant state of panic and worry. Especially panicking about what everyone else thought about me. The constant question was "Am I good enough?" or "Am I pretty enough?" Now, I know the answers to those questions are "HECK YES" and the answer isn't even from the people around me- it's from my Heavenly Father. He says:

"Sweet child, you are loved and you are enough. You are SO enough that I sent my son to die for you, and nothing that you do will change that. There's no mountain I won't climb up coming after you. Everything good comes from Me, and when those anxious thoughts start to come, know that they aren't from me." 

I've had to learn that all GOOD things are from our Creator. Because when he created the world, he saw what he had made and it was good. He is good. All good things are from Him, and all good things are through Him. My confidence started to appear after my breast reduction, but now continues and grows because I know that I am loved. I know that I am loved by Him and the people that He has placed into my life. I'm learning and have been discovering that Jesus reveals himself to us through His people, and I have been consistently praying for God to reveal himself to my two roommates. I know He's here, but I want my roommates to know it too and rejoice about it with me.

I think sometimes Christians come across as pushy and extremely hypocritical. I don't want to be a "pushy" Christian. I think all we're called to do is love people. The Ten Commandments can be summarized into two missions: Love God & Love People. Nowhere does God say to shove his love down people's throats and nowhere in the Bible does it say to condemn those who do not love Him. If we constantly condemn people, what does that say about our God? If He constantly condemned us, I don't know how much I'd want to spend time with Him. I'm not saying that He approves of all of our decisions, but we're not chained to punishment for them either.

This blog post kind of went everywhere, but I am confident because I am loved.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake, we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31-39

Fires// Who's Putting Them Out

   Fire is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. And I realized that this semester has only been a series of small fires, and sometimes larger ones. One might say that it sounds like an uphill battle, but they would be wrong. An uphill battle implies that there's an ending. Fires are a great mystery, and so was this semester. You never know when a fire is going to be put out, so there's never a solid ending to it.
One fire especially was anxiety. I wrote all about it on my Odyssey blog, so you're free to check it out more in depth. But this anxiety caused a series of small fires wherever I went and I always had so many things to be worrying about, that don't deserve it.  It caused the fire of having to go to the doctor every week to figure out what dosage of medication to put me on, which was stressful. I felt like I was finally getting better, but the overwhelming feeling of not knowing if it was going to work absolutely terrified me, and truly never had an end date. Do my anxiety meds have an end date? Will I be cured one day? Who knows. Another fire includes going to therapy every single week. It's exhausting and sometimes I walk out of therapy in a terrible mood, because sometimes I don't feel like talking about my problems or what hurt me the most in my life. But I know that therapy is putting out other, deeper fires.

A fire also is the thing that people stand around and talk to one another. Last night, for example, lighting a fire and roasting marshmallows gave us a reason to all hangout. So essentially, it's a form of entertainment.  But it's much more than that. I got to hang out with the people that I love a lot, even though I haven't gotten to be around them nearly all semester. At the beginning of the year, my anxiety tricked me into thinking that these people didn't like me. As I have progressed through therapy and medication, I realized that this is not true. Getting to be around a fire last night is the reason for this post. I'm so thankful for the people who were standing around it, and I'm thankful that it brought us all together to bond in a place where you hardly get cell service.

 Do You know what I also realized about fires? It's really all about who helps you put them out. Naturally, I  have to thank my medication and my therapist for that, but there are many other people that stood beside me this semester, regardless of what was happening with my brain. There are people who truly got it. My two roommates (who I love to death) stuck with me through it all and understood if I was having a bad anxiety day. A few of my church friends, like both Emily's, Cheyenne, Kate, and a few others, helped to put out those fires. I've had countless people pray over me and for the anxiety to leave, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I believe that although all of these people help me put out the fires, God truly is the one holding the big water hose and driving the whole fire truck. When I was younger and living on the Seminary with all of my bffs (you know who you are), they would host a Field Day for all of the kids. I don't remember any other part of it, but the one memory that has stuck with me is the moment where the firetrucks would come toward the end of the day and shower us with water. I was maybe 9 years old, and I was mesmerized by the splendor of the shower that I was receiving. I remember my bright pink crocs getting all muddy and my hair becoming soaking wet, but it was the highlight of the day. As a child, I didn't care about all of the small things that I would today if a loud firetruck per se showed up on campus and showered us all with water. I would probably complain about it. But do you know how I like to view God sometimes? As a big firetruck showering me with his Living Water through the eyes of my 9-year-old body. I was enchanted by the truck, just as I am enchanted by our creator. He's put out all of my fires essentially, and thanks to Him, I've re-connected with my friends, had less anxious thoughts, and been at peace with life. I'm learning that peace is through Jesus, and nothing can change that. Thank you to everyone who's been following this journey so far, it means the world to me.

Emma Jane

p.s. enjoy these pictures of things that I find beautiful

p.p.s. My favorite song right now is "Have Mercy On Me" (live) by The Porter's Gate (please go listen)

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A Toxic Relationship With Food (but hey, not a boy this time!)

I feel as if I have been nothing but pretty raw and honest on this blog for the last 4 years or so, and that's really kind of nice for both me and anyone who actually reads this blog. I've written about several accounts of brokenness. So today I really want to address the messy truth of having an unhealthy relationship with food. And it's something that I've had to struggle with all through middle school and parts of high school, and a part of my story that I wish didn't exist. I also didn't realize it existed until this summer, and once I had the revelation that I spent years in a toxic relationship with food, I panicked. How is one actually supposed to act when they realize that they had a problem that they never dealt with? Well, that's a different conversation.

I think I was around 11-12 when I was introduced to the concept of calories. How could I ignore them? Plastered on every single item of our society was the calorie count. I remember the shift of looking up the calories online before going to a place to the calorie counts showing up on the menus in restaurants. I used to look up the charts for fast food places and print them out- having them in a little notebook and highlighting the things that I could eat from that place since they fell under my magical designated calorie count for that meal. Looking back now, that seems a bit extreme. However, as a teenager with no self-confidence- that wasn't enough for me. I had several apps downloaded to keep track of every single calorie going into my body, along with the ones that I was burning with my daily, extreme workouts. I don't think I had any type of Fitbit back then, so I did my best to gauge what calories I was burning during my athletics period. I think the worse of it was that I always felt this extreme guilt for eating. Like, if I ate too many calories, I had to go to the gym and burn them off- even if I had already worked out that day. I distinctly remember being in Lubbock for an LWML conference, and my mother's birthday happened to fall during that weekend. Therefore, we went to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. After eating dinner (which is totally normal) and some cheesecake (hence, why you go to the CHEESECAKE FACTORY), I remember going to the gym at the hotel and staying there for an hour, simply to try to burn as many calories as possible because I couldn't live with eating one piece of cheesecake. Do I remember my mom's birthday? No. What was I doing? Working out. I feel as if I missed out on so much life simply because I was trying to look better and weigh less.

I used to have what I call "obsessive calorie knowledge" too. I could walk into a grocery store and probably tell you the calorie count of most of the things there. Is that healthy? I personally don't think so. But still, I was obsessed. And you know what? I can't remember how I finally quit. Maybe I let go of the expectation that I needed to look like every single other girl. Maybe it was the realization that I need to start working out because I love my body, and not to change it. The journey of having to escape all of the "food guilt" has been pretty rough, because occasionally I start to slip back into it. And truthfully, that scares me a lot. Trying to count every calorie put me in such a bad place mentally, and I don't want to go back. However, when life is spinning out of control, the need to control my food intake increases. And half of me wants to be this girl who is awed at, and chased after because I'm just that beautiful. But the other half of me knows that I'd rather have a pretty heart rather than a pretty face or body.

Anyways, I learned all of this about myself in the course of 2 hours one night this summer and had a panic attack, but I'm okay now. I wish I had taken better care of my body back then, but all I can do now is love it and treat it with respect- because it's gotten me so far in this life and carried me through so many difficult things. I hope that if I ever have a daughter that we get to talk about her body and her food in a healthy way- because I don't ever want her to freak about a stupid little number on the back of the food packages or the number on the scale.

My value is not tied to my body image. Jesus died for me, and that's that. I'm a child of God, and because of that, I will always be beautifully made in His image.

When Jonah and the Whale Isn't a Story About A Big Fish Anymore

I think that I am Jonah right now. 

Now get this. God. The CREATOR of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE only wanted Jonah to go to this town called Nineveh, but Jonah went in a different direction entirely. God legit told Jonah to do something that was SO simple, and Jonah was like "Nah". And you know what? That decision had consequences. Jonah got onto a boat with some men, and God sent a storm into the seas. What does Jonah do? He goes to sleep (ignoring God once again). Then, the men all started to freak out, naturally. And then they asked if there was anything that they could do to stop this, and nonchalantly Jonah is like "oh yeah, just throw me off the boat. This is really my fault anyway." So, the men plead with God and ask him not to get angry that they're throwing this man off of the boat, and into the waters, Jonah goes. 

Do you know what I find baffling? God STILL provides for Jonah. He provided a large fish to swallow him up for three days and three nights, and then the fish spit him out on dry land after that. So eventually Jonah goes to Nineveh and warns them that the city is going to be destroyed, right? But when the message gets to the king, he repents and the town turns away from their wickedness. Then, God decides to not destroy the town. You know what Jonah does? He gets angry with God and decides that he'd rather be dead than alive. God calls him out on it and says "Is it right for you to be angry?" 

Jonah then goes and throws himself a pity party at the edge of the town to pout some more after that and then God STILL PROVIDES a leafy plant to grow over Jonah as he slept. Then, because Jonah did not tend to it or nurture it, the plant dies in the morning. And what does Jonah do? He gets UPSET. AGAIN. God then again calls him out on it and makes Jonah realize that he was more concerned about a little plant than he was about the lives of hundreds of people. 

Do you notice a pattern here? God provides, Jonah gets upset, God provides again, Jonah gets upset... AGAIN. 

How many times do we do that in our own lives? Honestly, God's only been wanting us to follow his commandments. (Seem's simple, right?) And you know what? I fail at that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  And sometimes my choices have bigger consequences than others. I chose this summer to run away from God when he was there the entire time saying "go this direction" and I went the entire opposite. I got on the boat and pretended to not know why it was storming all around me. My storm included losing a friend who I had so much respect and adoration for because I chose to make bad choices and ignore everything that he had to say to me. My storm included losing myself a little bit because I wanted to satisfy myself with earthly things instead of Godly ones. And you know what? I'm hoping that moving back to college is like getting thrown off of that boat and into a large fish. I need my savior who ALWAYS provides, even when I don't realize it. I'm so grateful for God's overwhelming grace and his overwhelming love for us because most of the time I don't act like he's there at all.  

We serve a God of mercies. That renew every single morning. 

I'm blessed with the people in my life now, and I'm working so hard to be the girl who is on fire for Jesus, instead of the girl who is running away and fleeing to a different town. 


Thanks for reading & staying on this wild journey with me.

-Emma Jane

False Expectations

As women, we are really good at compartmentalizing sections in our lives, and multitasking all of them. This applies to men as well. As a single woman, I've noticed that I have certain guys in my life to perform specific tasks. I have one that I can call when my car breaks down, another who will come and pick me up if I need something or someone to talk to, and the one that I want to help fix my heart. I assign these roles pretty subconsciously, to where the guy may not even know he's fulfilling that role in my mind. And that, my friends, is where it gets dangerous.

With roles come expectations. And if the other party is not aware of these expectations, usually I am the one who gets hurt. My brain goes "but you're my ______ person so you have to do ______". This mentality is how I believe that I get stuck in emotionally compromising situations, romantically and with friendships. Romantically, I see a guy that I want, so I share some of my heart with him, and he generally listens. Then, without defining any sort of relationship, the guy answers back with pieces of his heart. This moment is when the expectations are set. That person becomes my: "share your feelings with him" person.  With friendships, it pretty much works the same way. I get disappointed if someone doesn't fulfill their role in my life that I've set for them, even if they don't know what that role is. Therefore, it's not fair to them for me to be angry or upset. However, I still do. I tell myself that they were my person for emotional support, physical comfort, car help, etc. or sometimes it's all of the above.

This little thing that (probably most) women do is one of our superpowers but also one of our destroyers. It's a superpower because women are wired to connect with other humans. We are so plugged into other people and we're honestly pretty good at making conversations flow and helping people feel at home in any situation. We crave deep conversations and that vulnerability from the men in our lives. However, doing this destroys us because we set up unrealistic expectations, and we end up craving attention that doesn't even belong to us. As connectors, we crave that praise as well. I would love for someone to come up to me and tell me that they felt at home when they're around me, you know? Women crave those words of affirmation that they're doing their natural abilities correctly.

However, at the end of the day, it's nobody's job to tell me that I'm doing a good job. And our validation as women comes from the Lord who formed us in His image. He created us in our mother's womb, and no set of false expectations could take that away. We have a God who never lets us down and always does what he says he's going to do. I'm blessed to know where I stand with God. It's simple. He sent his son to die on a cross to pay for all of my sins. And even though I screw up on the daily, He loves me anyway.

If you need encouragement tonight, rest in the truth that your God loves you, even when you mess up. And he is a God with no false expectations. We as women cannot screw that relationship up, no matter how hard we try.

Thanks for staying on this wild journey with me Y'all.

Emma Jane

p.s. I know I said I was reading Single. Dating. Engaged. Married.... and I STILL AM!! (It's just taking a while.)

Craving Love Like A Closed Door

I have come to realize that I crave to be loved, but I have no desire to be vulnerable with anyone. I have absolutely no desire to show parts of myself to people and re-tell my life story. I will tell anyone surface level things, but my mouth stays shut when it comes to the things that actually matter. And I'm learning that this desire to be loved is normal, but cannot be achieved without the vulnerability. So right now, it's not in the cards for me to be loved, or accept love from other people. Because truthfully, I don't know how. And I don't want to. This probably isn't healthy, but I've been living in a self-protective mode for the last two years and I don't know if I'll ever get out of it.

 I know that Christ knows our souls. He knows all of our demons, the things that we hate about ourselves, and our lowest moments. The amazing thing is that He loves us anyway! I had one person who knew the inner depths of my soul, and things didn't go as planned. Now that they've been gone for a while, is it all really worth it? Part of me wants to shut everyone out completely because that's what I do. When I get too close to someone, I usually react by pushing them away. This self-destructive behavior doesn't lead to a path where I'm able to be loved. And maybe I just crave the physical components of love- not the emotional ones. Which I think is normal for people my age. Nobody needs the emotional toll of a relationship when they're simply trying to figure themselves out, right? But then what do you do? I'm not a fan of this whole "friends with benefits" notion or the idea of having a person who acts like a significant other but doesn't put a label on it, because those options are not fair for anyone involved. But at the same time, I totally get why people do it. It's so tempting.

Way back before I got hurt, I used to be an open book. I would tell everyone who would listen what my story was because I thought it might help people or something. Or that they might love me more if they knew the scars on my heart. It turns out that it's just easier to betray someone when you know everything about them.  Quite frankly, I'm in a place where I feel like I'll be loved less if people know my past and who I was. So how do you balance being terrified to let people in and the desire to be loved? You don't. I'm learning that I have to figure out how to let someone in without feeling the need to abandon them right after they know something about me. I'm learning that being yourself and letting people in is part of being loved, and they'll probably love me more if they do know my past struggles and current demons.

At the end of the day, I need to stop lying to myself and fight my "flight" instinct. The people who stay in your life after knowing your soul are probably the best ones. I cannot let one person who hurt me dictate the rest of my life and my desire to be loved again. It's a process, and I'm learning new things every day through it.

Also, if you still read these, thanks a ton for sticking by me. I'm a mess, but at least I'm getting somewhere sometimes.

Emma Jane

A Month Without Jesus

Phil 3:18-21 

"For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." 

I was looking in the journal that I used to bring to church every Sunday and to Breakaway every Tuesday, and there hadn't been anything written down in there for an entire month. For me, as a journaler, that's a pretty long time. The journal stayed in my backpack for that duration, and never once was pulled out. Because of work, I haven't been able to make it to church on a Sunday morning, and I haven't felt like I had time for Jesus. 

In college station, I feel like that's where Jesus lives. And at home, it's almost as if he's not there in my life. He's not presently shining through my life like he was in college. Because a month ago, I was on fire for Jesus. I was so hungry for teaching and so eager to learn everything that I could about him. I was so devoted, so involved, and so energetic for the love that He has for me. However, I've recently been the opposite. I've pushed Him aside to fulfill my own desires, and to give into the earthly pleasures of this world. About a year ago, I struggled with something and thought I was done struggling with it. Yesterday, I learned that I will still do anything to gain approval from the people surrounding me and that I still will have temptations that I give into to earn that approval, whether it's giving up a part of my sexuality, drinking, or becoming someone who blends in with a group of people that I know are bad for me. 

It was so easy in College Station to stay sober, feel loved, and go to church every Sunday. Recently, I've sacrificed a big part of myself in order to become someone I'm not. I'm not a girl who forgets who her Savior is. I'm usually not a girl who uses cuss words, but I've been dropping them like they're a part of my normal vocabulary lately. 

This girl who drinks, cusses, and does stupid things in order to gain the approval of others is not who I want to be. However, I've lost the girl who is racing towards the love of God. I've lost the girl who is selfless, happy, and easy going. I used to be so relaxed and so confident in Christ, but now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a corn maze without a map or a direction to go. Part of me feels this overwhelming desire to lock my phone up in a box, go outdoors, and stay there for a very long time. My head is so fuzzy with all of the wrong things, and I'm not sure what I prioritize anymore. I wrote an Odyssey article about how I'm my biggest priority, but shouldn't God be that? 

Maybe I've forgotten how to prioritize Him. And maybe I've pushed Him away to fulfill my own desires and give into everything that the world wants from me. 

Hopefully, that will change because I miss the girl from College Station who knew that her citizenship is in Heaven. 

Red Light Vulnerability

Tonight, it was preached that one of the best ways to fight our enemy (Satan) is to bring to light what he's trying to make you believe. So, therefore, many brave women yelled out into the crowd what that was. However, I wasn't able to. I told myself that in order to process the night, I needed to write about it- so here I am. This is my shouting. But I realized that I couldn't shout out anything and that was the thing that I needed to shout. I'm absolutely terrified to be vulnerable with people. And this is why the enemy can work his way into my life, where he tells me to stop talking about the things that are eating away at my soul, and the things that have beaten me down before. If you go far enough down into this blog, you can see the brokenness and the light that has come from it, but I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather have people read my blog to figure out my struggles than have an actual conversation with them. Essentially, it's easier to hide behind a screen than to see someone's face after you tell them what has been going on in your heart. So maybe, I'm still searching for that approval from others, even if it's the approval that they understand my problems, and still love me for all of them. 

I'd like to think of my vulnerability as a road. At the beginning of the road, I'll tell someone about my favorite things, my hopes and dreams, and my family (the surface level things). And then, you get to a red light. And depending on how well I know you and how much I want to let you in, you might be stopped there forever. And your road is over. But if we're closer than that, I'll tell you about the boys who hurt me in high school maybe, and you'll get to know about the failed friendships that I've had in the past. But then you hit another stoplight. And that's where most people get stop my road. I'm so comfortable talking about my dreams or the people who have heart me, but talking about my inner soul... there's no way that you can keep driving down the road and getting to the end. At the end of the day, I'm scared that people won't wanna love that girl. At the end of the road are the baggage and the stuff that people wouldn't know about me by just looking, or knowing about my surface level relationships in high school. 

I'm learning that after I open up to someone, my initial reaction is to shut them out. It doesn't make sense, but it is terrifying to be around someone who has actually seen your soul, because if they reject you- they reject the parts of you that you were scared to show them anyways. I have been hurt and abandoned by multiple people who had gone all the way down my road and known the inner depths of my heart, and there's no greater pain than losing someone who knows everything about you. It's almost like starting over with someone else might not be worth it, because my heart is overly guarded. At camp, I'm always told to guard my heart, which is smart. However, I think I've built a brick wall around that thing, and if I let myself take a few bricks down, I immediately put them back up even higher. 

Is this a self-destructive defense mechanism? Totally. Do I know that doing brave and bold things set you free? Yes. Do I also know that freedom from this fear will cost something? For sure. 

Stay posted to see if that actually happens. 

Emma Jane 

Catchy Christian Phrases

I've always liked the catchy Christian Phrases. These include "turn your mess into a message" and "make your test your testimony". You know what I'm talking about now? I think I like them because they hold so much truth. I firmly believe that there's a point in our lives where we are really tested, and we get tricked into thinking that we're the only ones struggling. And that it's impossible for someone else to be struggling with things like depression, anxiety, loneliness, losing someone, a bad breakup, low self-esteem, jealousy, giving into lust, and everything in between. I also firmly believe that as believers or nonbelievers, we need to talk about these things, whether it's confiding in one close person, writing in a private journal, or publishing them on a blog site. If we're honest, this blog started because of my pain and has blossomed to talking about healing from it.

If I have learned anything, it is that healing from your struggle is not a linear process. There are days where you feel on top of the mountain, and then there are days where you are so far down in the valley that you cannot possibly see a way out. However, I also have learned that sometimes the only solution for something that seems impossible to solve in your life is to pray about it. I know that it's hard to pray about something that seems impossible to fix, but our God is the God of miracles. And he's also really really good at knowing our hearts which means that he also knows when our hearts have stopped trusting him. Mark 9:14-29 is about a father and son where the son is possessed by an evil spirit. Jesus comes up to a crowd and the man brings his son up to Jesus, explaining that this evil spirit has been inside of him for his whole life. In verse 22 it says "It (the evil spirit) has often thrown him (the son) into fire or water to kill him. But if you (Jesus) can do anything, take pity on us and help us." Do you notice anything strange about that verse? It sounds like a father begging Jesus for help. However, Jesus picks up on something very specific. In verse 23 he sasses back and says "If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes." Basically, Jesus calls the man out for doubting him. Therefore, the man replies in verse 24 "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" 

Every time I read this passage, I get something new out of it. At first, we read it and laugh at the father. Because in our minds, we say "Jesus is literally standing right there. Why does he even question it?" But, how many times have we question God's ability to provide for us and heal us in our situations? How many times are we the boy living our entire lives needing Christ to heal us, but have something in the way (such as an earthly desire, reluctance to let go, or jealous heart) from humbling ourselves to receive that healing?

 Most of the time I feel like I am the father, who looks Jesus dead in the eyes and doesn't believe that he can do amazing work in my life. Other times, I believe I am the son and have something like an unbelieving father standing in my way. At the end of the day, don't they stand in each other's way? The son is the reason that the father is having a hard time believing, and the doubting father is the reason that the son cannot be healed yet. So at the same time, our struggles are the things that we have a hard time talking to God about and that cause us to doubt his ability to take care of us. And we need to believe that our problems are able to be solved by Christ, instead of questioning his ability to do so. Sometimes, the hardest part is wondering the how. Which truly is out of our control, no matter how much we try to take that control.

The overwhelmingly amazing news is that we really don't have to worry about how Christ is going to do His thing. In the story, Jesus brought out the evil spirit of the boy right in front of the father on his own will- not because the father told him to (aside from the begging). However, sometimes the answer from God isn't immediate. And so we think that there's no answer and no help at all, or we demand one that is immediate. But I'm begging you, please don't lose hope. God will take care of you in HIS timing, just like he took care of our sins by sending his son to die on the cross for us in HIS timing. 

Anyways, my twitter, facebook, and instagram DM's are always open for anyone who wants to hear how amazing Jesus is!! He's really out here working you guys, so maybe sometimes we're just too blinded by focusing on our issues to see it clearly. If you don't know what to pray this week, "Help me overcome my unbelief" is always a great place to start. So turn your test into a testimony because I'd love to hear all about it.

Until I'm inspired again,

Emma Jane

p.s. I know I said I was reading "single. dating. engaged. married" and that I would finish it, but I haven't had the time. But I promise one day I will finish and I will definitely write about it.

February News

I know it's been a while since I've posted on here, but trust me when I say that I've had a lot going on. First of all, I started to write for the Odyssey, and I have an article due every week. Writing for the Odyssey has really pushed me to do so many things, made me develop my skills as a writer, and TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE GIFS. I really love it though. However, sometimes I feel like I simply write for other people, and I've stopped writing for me. Today, right now, I'm writing for me. And using gifs.

However, I've learned a lot about myself this week though (probably more than I wanted to dig out). This is because this week was extremely difficult for me, and it all could have been avoided. This past week, I joined Tinder so I could write an Odyssey article about it. Basically, messing with my own life for the sake of a good read. I'm not sure if I did the article justice, but it's out there and can be found here!

Going into it, I was already terrified. I mean, like I had to talk myself into it for hours, and then I still wasn't sure about it when the app was downloaded. I had been against the entire app's concept ever since I had seen a friend of mine use it. However, I told myself to get out of my comfort zone, and I definitely got more than I bargained for. 

Through that process, I kept it a secret from most of my friends, and when they found out what I had done, they all freaked out. I mean, they completely flipped. Which makes sense. I think anyone who reads this blog cares about my well-being enough to know who I am as a person. We've all seen the effects of what someone who hurt me can do. Just scroll down on my homepage.

Each one of my friends shows that they care about me in different ways. Sometimes, it's the sweet approach, and other times it's getting angry that I'm doing something stupid in their eyes. Or both. This week, I got some of both (more of the anger). And you know what? It absolutely sucked. This whole thing was so hard for me, and the idea of actually dating someone is quite terrifying. My roommate, a very wise person, told me I'm not ready to actually date someone. And she's absolutely right.

Realizing that this week really did suck too. Because you don't realize how terrifying it is to possibly be vulnerable with someone until you realize that you might have to be. Or you might not. But dating requires vulnerability, and there's a brick wall around my heart at this point. Tinder did no steps to bring that down. In fact, I think it added a few bricks. There's no way in the world that I want to be hurt again. I know that, my friends know that, and strangers probably look at me and know that. It might as well be written on my forehead.

My friends got upset because they figured I'd get hurt again, and they don't want that for me. I don't want that for me either. At the end of the day, no matter how upset at them I was for all the angry comments and confrontation, I love them to death. It's so hard to accept that someone cares about you, but I'm learning that every single day I'm going to have to convince myself that they do until I believe it wholeheartedly. For now, I think I'm going to remain single until I'm not afraid of pain, and stick close to the people who care about me. Until anything changes,

Emma Jane