I have come to realize that I crave to be loved, but I have no desire to be vulnerable with anyone. I have absolutely no desire to show parts of myself to people and re-tell my life story. I will tell anyone surface level things, but my mouth stays shut when it comes to the things that actually matter. And I'm learning that this desire to be loved is normal, but cannot be achieved without the vulnerability. So right now, it's not in the cards for me to be loved, or accept love from other people. Because truthfully, I don't know how. And I don't want to. This probably isn't healthy, but I've been living in a self-protective mode for the last two years and I don't know if I'll ever get out of it.
I know that Christ knows our souls. He knows all of our demons, the things that we hate about ourselves, and our lowest moments. The amazing thing is that He loves us anyway! I had one person who knew the inner depths of my soul, and things didn't go as planned. Now that they've been gone for a while, is it all really worth it? Part of me wants to shut everyone out completely because that's what I do. When I get too close to someone, I usually react by pushing them away. This self-destructive behavior doesn't lead to a path where I'm able to be loved. And maybe I just crave the physical components of love- not the emotional ones. Which I think is normal for people my age. Nobody needs the emotional toll of a relationship when they're simply trying to figure themselves out, right? But then what do you do? I'm not a fan of this whole "friends with benefits" notion or the idea of having a person who acts like a significant other but doesn't put a label on it, because those options are not fair for anyone involved. But at the same time, I totally get why people do it. It's so tempting.
Way back before I got hurt, I used to be an open book. I would tell everyone who would listen what my story was because I thought it might help people or something. Or that they might love me more if they knew the scars on my heart. It turns out that it's just easier to betray someone when you know everything about them. Quite frankly, I'm in a place where I feel like I'll be loved less if people know my past and who I was. So how do you balance being terrified to let people in and the desire to be loved? You don't. I'm learning that I have to figure out how to let someone in without feeling the need to abandon them right after they know something about me. I'm learning that being yourself and letting people in is part of being loved, and they'll probably love me more if they do know my past struggles and current demons.
At the end of the day, I need to stop lying to myself and fight my "flight" instinct. The people who stay in your life after knowing your soul are probably the best ones. I cannot let one person who hurt me dictate the rest of my life and my desire to be loved again. It's a process, and I'm learning new things every day through it.
Also, if you still read these, thanks a ton for sticking by me. I'm a mess, but at least I'm getting somewhere sometimes.
Emma Jane
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