Fish Camp

Alright, so for those of you who didn't know... I'll be attending the greatest University in the world next year called Texas A&M University :) So, that's gonna be an adventure that I'll make sure to write all about. However, before an Aggie becomes a freshman officially, an Aggie must go to Fish Camp.

Because my entire family basically graduated from Austin, I didn't know anything about being an Aggie. I didn't grow up listening to the War Hymn or knowing anything about Yell Leaders, and I especially didn't know how amazing the Aggie family truly is.

You could say that I was going into fish camp completely blind, and that's alright. For some reason I thought the entire time we would learn to dance like country people and be forced to bond. I was forced into doing the latter. I say "forced" in a light manner though, because it was more of an opportunity than an obligation, you get me? When we all arrived  originally, we were seated in the gym and I met a few girls who were pretty cool. In the gym was also an opportunity to see some of the counselors. Then we were moved on the bus to be taken to fish camp and we immediately started to "speed date". This is where the people on the aisles would sit and chat with you for 2 minutes and then switch. I'm not sure how many people I talked to, but it was quite a lot. After a while I started to feel as if I was on a loop saying "Hi my name is Emma and I'm a Middle Grades Education major. What about you?" and then continuing from there. Also, being from a town that hardly anyone knows about is so difficult. People ask where you're from and then it turns into a long explanation. However, as broken record sounding as it was, I had a lot of fun getting over the fact that I'm awkward and meeting new people was also tons of fun.

Anyways, after arriving at the camp, we had to search for our luggage. You know that scene in Parent Trap where Lindsay Lohan has to dig for her luggage at Camp Walden? Well, that's what I felt like. Getting to our cabins was also stressful because I wasn't quite sure which specific cabin was mine. I walked passed it and had to go back to find it.

One of my major weaknesses is the fact that learning names is extremely difficult for me. I had just come off of a bus from talking to tons of people, and then I was placed in a cabin with a bunch of new ones. We all got along all week, but to be honest I never learned everyone's names. I had like half of them down.

After getting settled, I'm pretty sure we all went to sit in a session or something and learn more about A&M. We had a lot of those, but they were informative and helpful. However, I felt bad because I had so much trouble paying attention when the sessions were in the mornings. My eyelids were way too heavy to have a focused attention span.

I wish I had started with the best part first, but I've heard it's better to save the best for last. One of the best parts of fish camp was my DG group, Fully Clothed and Unafraid International. Cool name, right? Right. In these groups, there were about 12 of us and we had 2 "parents". The "parents" were two college students that were our mentors (mom & dad). We met with these groups a ton and got to talk about stuff and ask questions about what the upcoming year might look like. We also all got to know one another pretty well and attempt* to eat meals together. The DG group is full of people that I couldn't be more thankful for. Because of these people and our "parents", my nerves about coming to A&M were easily thrown away. I feel as though I have a solid group of people to hang out with when I finally move into Aggieland. Plus, they make me laugh.

Thank you Fish Camp for reassuring me that I'm able to make friends despite being afraid to talk to people. Thank you for giving me some solid new friends for the future. Most of all, thank you for showing me the Aggie network and the true meaning of what it is to be an Aggie in the Aggie family. I couldn't be more thankful.

Emma Jane

P.S. Stay tuned to hear about my college adventures!! It should be a rollercoaster :)

*attempt: where's Patrick???

the fight

     I'm not quite sure at what point in my life that I got told that following Jesus was going to be an easy thing to do because whoever told me that was completely wrong. As a young girl, I was like, "Well the 10 Commandments are easy to follow, I haven't murdered anyone yet and I don't plan on it". Well, younger self, let me tell you something. It gets real in 1 John 3:14-15 when it says that "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him" That's some heavy stuff, am I right? So... shoutout to 1 John for showing us that it's not all that easy. 

Also, I didn't realize that I would be trapped in a world that is consistently against anything that Christianity is teaching. In this world, we're constantly trapped with thinking that love is so many different things and that if we believe something different about love that we're going to offend someone. Goodness, I didn't realize my faith should censor out all the parts that make someone offended or uncomfortable. I mean, lately have you listened to the actual words of the songs we listen to? Or the shows we watch? Some of them tell us that "love" is having sex with whoever you please and there's no consequence. For example, our girl Katy Perry sums my point up in her Teenage Dream lyrics "Let's go all the way tonight No regrets, just love/ We can dance, until we die/ You and I, will be young forever" This makes me uncomfortable because this week I had real love revealed to me...and it's none of these things. The theme this year at camp was Love Lives, and the matching verse was 1 John 3:16. It says "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" Yeah y'all, love isn't what this world is screaming at us that it is. Love is Jesus. Also, have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of "Jesus Loves Me"? They go "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so/ little ones to Him belong, they are weak, He is strong" Right? Right. Like stop for a second there, and read them over and over again. Jesus loves us so much that he sent his ONLY son to die for us. Not one of his many sons, but his ONLY SON to die a PAINFUL death up on that cross. Man, I wouldn't want to do that whole dying on a cross thing. I probably wouldn't even wanna lay down my life for a person I claim to love a lot. But do you know how much Jesus loves us? It's so much. I sang this song as a child, but I don't think I've thought about how serious the lyrics are until now. They carry so much weight, but in a good way. 

I learned this week that we have to fight as christians to fight for this love, and to fight to follow Jesus. It's not as easy as not murdering anyone, contrary to popular belief. It's so easy to fall into the pattern of blasting these secular songs in our cars as we drive and singing the lyrics with more passion than we do in our churches to Godly songs. 

Do you know what else I feel like we have to fight or? Godly friendships. It's so easy to fall into this mindset as a human where you tell yourself that any decisions that your friends are making are okay because they're your friends- almost as if a friendship validates poor behavior from either side. In a Godly friendship, I feel as if both parties should be there for the other to hold each other accountable. Having friends that let your behavior slide is honestly such a dangerous thing because we get so caught up in this world that we forget to realize the dangers it holds inside the people on it. 

I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this validation, because I definitely am. I've let my behaviors be validated by the friends around me, because of my desperate longing for their approval. And man, desiring approval from others is so exhausting, but it's a relief to know that our God loves us so much, even when we mess up. It's also refreshing to know that we will always have Him there to love us unconditionally- even when our friends fail at giving us what we desire from them. 

In conclusion, I'm fighting against the world every single day as a girl who loves Jesus and I'm also fighting for Godly friendships that help me pursue a relationship with my God. Also, I'm paying more attention to our media and the subliminal mind messages that we receive on the daily. 

It was scattered, but it's getting more real on this blog.

-Emma Jane

P.S. Jesus loves you a lot !!!!!!

questions.

About a year ago, I would have never believed that I am where I am right now. About a year ago, I was wrapped up in something that wasn't healthy for me at all, but I didn't care. About a year ago, I wasn't good with boundaries. I fell in love, wore my entire heart on my sleeve, and didn't care about the consequences one bit. Man, I'm glad that's over. It wasn't an easy task though- pulling my heart off of my sleeve. Being one of the most painful things i've had to do, I let what wasn't good for me go and pulled my heart back up to my chest where it belonged. For a year now, it's stayed there. Buried. All of the parts of myself that the one person knew about me, those are going to be buried with him in his grave, because I fear that nobody will see them again. I've become so good at setting emotional boundaries, that I don't know how to stop. They say that once you're hurt bad enough, you're changed into someone who stops showing who they truly are, but I don't think that's happened to me yet. I think I have become less of who I used to be, and that's okay. However, the inspiration for this post hit when my mom told me to make sure I can find the part of myself who is open again. She said to make sure I get passed surface level conversations with someone I'm remotely interested in. However, at this point, I don't know how. Last time I opened up, I got beyond hurt by it. There's a remarkable thing where balance is concerned, and I don't think I've found it yet. It's been all of me or none. Don't get me wrong, guys usually know what books I like or what I love to eat, but it's been about a year where someone has truly known who I am as a person. I don't know if that's a sad fact of the matter, or a positive thing to put hope in. Either way, it is what it is and I don't know what to expect for the future. God says to guard your heart...but to what extent? Is my heart guarded or closed?


Emma Jane

Gig 'em

Such a Lovely Place #CALI

So this blog post is going to talk about a series of topics/ experiences from California and it might be a weird format. My apologies in advance.

Bookstores: During our travels, we ended up in a bookstore while waiting for my aunt to get off of work. There is something quite lovely about bookstores, and it's a hard thing to explain. When I walk into a bookstore, no matter where you are in the country, I automatically feel at home. There are so many stories surrounding me, and some of them I have read while some I have not. Actually, most of the stories I haven't read, but that's just a challenge to read more and go on more adventures with the characters. In this particular bookstore, there were three stories, because in California you have to build upwards instead of outwards. I was on the middle story and ventured down to the bottom one, searching for a poetry section. However, I was at a loss for anything that even resembled a poem. Luckily, I got a text that said "poetry is upstairs". My friend sending the text didn't mean the middle floor, she meant the top. Of course, the one place that I hadn't ventured to brought the one thing I wanted the most. It was quite beautiful. It was called the poetry room, with the entire room dedicated to the art of creating poems. I couldn't believe my eyeballs and didn't know where to start. I sat in the rocking chair provided that had "poet's chair" engraved onto it and I picked up some Emily Dickinson and began reading. It's amazing how in the hustle and bustle of San Francisco, there was peace inside an old bookshop's poet's chair.

(My chair) 

(here's ya girl overwhelmed by amazing poems & Pic by Lyndsey) 

Smells: So California brings lots of smells into the mixture of my atmosphere, but the most dominant is pot. Yes, I mentioned drugs on this blog. It was quite interesting to be having lunch in the park when an extreme gust of weed was blown into my nostrils and turned them sour. Anyways, other than that, the smells were typical ones for a city. This includes trees, dumpsters, food, people, and some more food. Man, can those people in California cook. I digress...

Bikers: I know you're probably expecting some sort of motorcycle story... but I don't have one. However, I wasn't aware of the number of people who ride bikes to get places. My Aunt and Uncle have bikes hanging on their wall so they're easily accessible. Also, I learned that the people who ride bikes seem to think that they're more important than those who are

A) Walking

B) driving a car.

However, once I became someone who rented a bike and rode it around Golden Gate Park, I learned that biking next to cars is actually pretty scary so I guess they have to fake some confidence like I had to. Or maybe they just have the confidence and it comes off in a wrong way. These California dudes don't play around on the bikes. I could have sworn we were in the speed-lympics. Maybe I'm just a slow biker. Here's some cute bike pictures and the ocean we saw on our journey btw :)

(Don't worry, the bikes were stopped while I took this)

(sand was blowing in our eyeballs so we didn't stay long...just enough for this cute pic)

Self Expression: California is probably the place where you can reinvent yourself the most. I saw some really really cool people when I was there. There was blue hair, spiked hair, pink hair, a dog in a sparkly outfit, ripped open jeans, crop tops, and basically anything that you could think of that is usually "out of the ordinary"for my basic style. However y'all. I got over myself and wore skinny jeans with my Nikes and had a jacket tied around my waist. That weather is literally crazy. If you're in the sun, it's hot. If you're in the shade and the wind picks up, you're freezing.

Also, in the topic of self expression, this month is pride month. I noticed in California a lot more openly gay couples walking around and being more expressive than they are here in Texas. I try to tread on this subject lightly so I can avoid potentially offending anyone, but it was a different thing to see in my eyes. It didn't bother me whatsoever, but I feel as if it's more accepted in California as a way of life than in Texas where we have a church on every block preaching how against it they are. I don't talk about this subject on here, but I personally love pretty much everyone, regardless of their sexuality or whatever they partake in. At the end of the day, nobody is perfect.

Language: ...I'm not sure if anyone in Cali speaks fluent English.  Man, just walking through the street, I heard so many different languages. It was really cool actually. I don't have much to say on this, other than it's a good place to move if you know more than one language or want to be dipped in culture.

Redwood Trees/ Stillness: One of the days, we ventured to see the Redwood trees at Muir Wood Monument. It was breathtaking. There's not a camera that's good enough to capture the true beauty of this park. We walked and walked...and walked. During this long walk (probably like 4 miles), I was truly inspired. Even though there were people everywhere, everything was so still. The trees brought so much peace to my troubled heart. It was truly phenomenal to be basking in God's handy work, and to see all of the little details that were put into each tree, and each flower. Also, one of the most amazing things about it was the fresh air. I know you're like "well duh, Emma, you were outside".

However, I was outside walking around the city or outside in the park, and this was different feeling air. This was crisp, still, and so fresh. Do you have those people in your life who stress you out and make you worry constantly but you still love them? (Hey, we all do. It's okay to admit this.) Well, being around those people is like what walking in the city is like- sort of chaotic but fun in an exhilarating sort of way. Now, do you have people who are totally easy to be around and feel like a breath of fresh air when you're around them? (We have these people in our lives too. You're still okay to answer "yes" here) Well, those people are like walking in the Redwood forest. It was so easy, and the fresh air refreshed my mood and my lungs. I loved it. Also, the gift shop was really great and I got a really cute hat that matched my girl Lyndsey's hat :)

Disclaimer: I'm not a photographer (just an aspiring writer) 

Can you see us? Two really tiny people compared to the trees? 

Parallel Parking: I think I have to give up my dreams of living here though. Everyone in this town can parallel park like a pro. I have only done it once, and that was to pass my driving test two years ago. If you can't parallel park, you have a few options.

1) public transit
2) your bike
3) walking

That is it. I think if I were to live here, I'd religiously be on public transit and rely on it to take me everywhere. Although I rode a bike for a few hours, it couldn't ever be a main method of transportation. I hardly understand the gears.

Being Alive: I saved this topic for last, because it is the one that means the most to me. I was looking up quotes for a batch of pictures I was posting on Twitter , and I ran across one that said "go where you feel the most alive".  I hadn't realized it before this, but California made me feel so alive. I don't know if it was because we were eating really good food, or doing really fun things ( like Alcatraz), but something in me felt free, open to be myself, and more lively in general. My smile grew bigger, my acne went away, and my legs got way more in shape. I'd like to thank Cali for reminding me of some of the things to live for. First of all, have you ever seen the Golden Gate Bridge??? It's got such a great view of the water and the city when you're standing on it. Also, have you ever ridden a ferry? They can be so relaxing after a long day. We also ventured to a cute little island town called Sausalito, and it had some really cute clothes shops and a good candy shop as well. Also, the pier 39 seals were so cute. They seem like they're too busy sunbathing to notice the flock of tourists that came to take their picture. At the end of the day, thank you California for giving me something to look forward to in the future. This was my first visit, but definitely not my last.

Much love,

Emma Jane

Also, here's some cute pics again!! :)

First day in town and we saw a gorgeous view :)

We didn't buy anything here but it had a cute display :)

Okay but this view 

Yay for palm trees! 

The seals!! Plus, the lighthouse was cute. 

Water plus skyline equals a pretty picture of a pretty state

Palm trees...sunsets... what more could you want? 

Cali trees are so pretty 

Okay but I LOVED this lane in Sausalito

Lyndsey: "Hey I love this wall! Let's selfie!" 

Thanks for reading :)

Check me out on twitter @ejane_12

Goodbye// summary of my life

If I had to pick the one thing that has defined my life so far, it is all of the goodbyes that have come along with it. In the first grade, I moved away from Austin, Texas to St. Louis, Missouri. That goodbye was probably the one that didn't hurt quite as bad. I was still young, so our friendships were built on dress up, making pancakes, and going swimming.

The second goodbye was when I moved from St. Louis to Cisco, Texas. Now, that's a switch. However, while in St. Louis, I knew that I would have to move away eventually, so it was one of those things that was normal around the Seminary Campus. People came and people left, and my 4th grade self knew that. I left behind the days of walking to school in the snow, playing outside in a fort, throwing old fruits and vegetables across apartment buildings, going to the re-sell-it shop, eating day-old bread from the food bank, and playing with my friends (whom I still keep in contact with to this day). I left these memories behind, and the goodbye was slightly harder than the first. My friends became my family during this stage in my life, and we all had something in common. Other than being poor, all of our families had someone who was going into the ministry and we all had lived through a move or two.

In Cisco Texas, I missed my old friends, but all of our moms were on Facebook at the time so we could still catch up through them. Cisco brought on new adventures and new relationships with people. I technically could say I “grew up” in Cisco. I went through puberty so I think it qualifies. I stayed there for 5 whole years. Cisco marks the longest place I have ever stayed put. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. During those 5 years, my self confidence plummeted. I was taught that if I wasn't a star athlete, I wasn't important. It turns out I'm not a star athlete, but now I know that was all bogus. However, I made some amazing friends in Cisco and I still talk to them frequently. Because of the lack of people in the town, our relationships were much deeper. However, everyone knew everything about everybody. Also, the dating pool was slim. I never learned how to really figure out stuff with guys because there weren't many that I could see myself with at all. During my freshman year, I learned that I would have to say goodbye to that town. Out of all the goodbyes, this one was indeed the hardest. Even though the town wasn't good for me, the people had become part of my family.

When I got out of Cisco and into Mabank, I was a hot mess. Im thankful for the use of technology because I was able to still communicate with the people that I loved. I knew I was leaving behind a number of good things in Cisco, such as drumline, Waverlys (the best coffee shop ever), a loving church, and some great people.

In Mabank, I got off to a rough start and had to reinvent myself. In all honesty, I had to find the version of myself that I loved the most. There was the “fake athlete” Emma, the “drumline” Emma, the “Pastor’s Kid” Emma, and the “Lonely” Emma. At first, I chose the last option. When summer band started, I got involved with some friends, but found myself becoming more bitter and I didn't like it. “bitter” Emma is not a good title. I then met a different group of friends, and I've never felt like I belonged somewhere more. They were my home and still are. In Mabank, things were different. Such as, the band program is not the same as the one in Cisco, but that's alright. I love being in the front ensemble. I became the “happy” Emma who was known for her baking and her smiles. And I love that version of myself. I love the person who worships Jesus and loves relentlessly.

Now, I'm about to say one more inevitable goodbye to my high school career and everything that comes along with it. I am saying goodbye to my friends, the band program, steel drums, froyo runs, soccer games, crew parties, and many more things. However, I've been doing this goodbye thing for a significant amount of time so I'm used to it. I'm happy to leave behind all of the toxic relationships that have formed in this town, but I'm sad to leave the relationships that are still in blossom. This is one more goodbye to add to my list, and I'm glad it's Mabank. You've been good to me these last three years Mabank, thank you for that.

Love,

Emma Jane

P.S yesterday marks 3 whole years I have been blogging!!! Thank you for the support throughout all of them :)

In Response

Whether it was sitting under the stars, singing songs to Jesus or out in the hot sun, doing work projects, something this summer was engraved into my brain. It was that we so often place our self-worth and our identity in earthly things such as grades, family, friends, band, cheer, sports, hobbies and who we have been loved or hurt by... we take these earthly things and let them consume us, making them who we are. When asked "Who are you?" we respond "Well I'm in band, I'm number __ in my class, and I am in a relationship with whoever..." and these things are apparently who we ARE. As humans, we place our identity within these things, and it's very sad to see. 

Within my senior class, it's especially real right now. I see so much "What's your class rank?" and the either pleasure or disappointment when you tell the other person the number. I am number 11, but I don't care. It sounds harsh, but hear me out. Lately I've observed peers who consider their class rank the same thing as their persona. "I am a NUMBER BLANK" is what it comes across as. It's pretty 2D, don't you think? There's so much more to a person than whatever rank in the class they are, and they're capable of anything regardless of what that is. Number 100 in the class is able to be a doctor, just as much as number 1. And no, class rank does not determine the work ethic of others.

Growing up, there was never a heavy emphasis on my grades. Until last year, I considered myself pretty intelligent. My parents instilled the value that I was to try my best, and if my best was a C on a test that I had been studying for all week, then so be it. I remember one instance in the 8th grade where a vocab test asked me to pick all of the opposite answers, and I picked all of the right ones instead- earning me a 50. I brought it home to my dad, upset with myself, and he simply picked up the paper and laughed at it. He let me know that it was okay to make that mistake, and he wasn't upset. It has always been like this in my family, and I cannot imagine it being any different. I am looked upon by my efforts from my family, and not the results. 

However, lately, I have felt very unintelligent because of my class rank. I am not in the "top 10" in my class, but I am merely one off. I am 11. And that has been perceived as not good enough. People do not question the fact that I wish to pursue a degree in education and be a teacher, because I am number 11.  If I was number 3, I would be asked why I have not chosen to be a lawyer or a doctor, or something that is worth my obvious educational standards. 

This breaks my heart. It breaks my spirit knowing that my identity to others is found in my educational success or failure, and that I am slowly starting to believe the lies that have been drilled into my head by my peers and by my education system. 

At camp, under the stars and sweat, I learned something extremely important. I am a child of God. My identity, in the world of things that actually matter, is in the fact that my Savior DIED for me on a cross and that he is coming again one day. I am a CHILD OF GOD. And that is it. I am a CHILD OF GOD who plays in the band. I am a CHILD OF GOD who happens to be number 11 in the class. I am a CHILD OF GOD who has been hurt many times. And I am a CHILD OF GOD who will not put her identity in the pure number given to me by a piece of paper and by those who worship that piece of paper. 

For those who do find themselves consumed with their earthly possessions/ accomplishments and making them a part of who you are, I will keep praying that you find the love of Christ Jesus within your soul. He is greater than these earthly things and earthly numbers that we so often dwell on. 

Much love, 

Emma Jane

Hunter Hayes and the Journey Through Loneliness

So, I'm not sure if you've heard "Everybody's Got Somebody but Me" by Hunter Hayes. (if you haven't, you can click here and listen) However, the premise basically follows the title of the song. He's singing about how he's alone, and mourning the end of his previous relationship while everyone around him is partnered up with the love of their lives. Like Taylor Swift, Hunter Hayes equally has a song for each situation, and this one would probably be mine.

Lately, there's been an overwhelming feeling weighing on my heart. This is the feeling of being alone, without my "person" to talk to, because frankly, I don't have one. I've never really had one. And I know that at 18, that's probably okay. However, there are small things the 12 year old version of myself always longed to have. The first is having someone else to walk me to class holding my hand. Has that actually ever happened to me? Oh no. The second is a promposal, or a date to prom at all. For some reason, the Junior High version of myself always imagined me with someone to accompany me to events like homecoming or prom. Always never having an official "date" at the Junior High dances, I don't know why I thought high school would be any different. Lastly, I'll never know what if would have felt like to have cute dates, such as a picnic, movies, dinner, or so on to look forwards to at the end of the day. But hey, it's alright. I have some solid girlfriends that don't make me feel like I missed out on that last one too badly. However, there's still a gaping hole where that hopeless romantic part of me longs to be filled.

This feeling, I know, can only be filled with Christ. I know what you're thinking "bingo! She figured it out, this blog post is over!", but sadly, no I haven't really figured it out. There's a difference between knowing something and acting upon it. Lately, I've been struggling with God, saying "why hasn't he shown up yet? I'm 18 and I've missed out on so much!" And I know I can't be the only girl out there battling with this. Because of social media, it's so easy to see an extraordinary amount of couples looking extremely happy. Anonymous accounts post several pictures of these couples that set some sort of standard for the "relationship goals" with things pictured such as cooking together, traveling together, or cute love notes. With that in constant flow, it makes the longing for my heart to be filled much greater.

However, I know that God is the master of time, and I am not. That's part of the whole faith journey thing, learning to trust his timing. Regardless of what my friends are doing, what they're experiencing, and who they're dating. Also, sadly it's such a comparison game too, it's unreal. My brain thinks "Well, maybe if I was pretty like her, a guy would notice me", so with that mentality I went to the gym, to try to work on changing myself, and I used to be obsessed with every calorie going into my mouth. This is the insecurity part of my brain talking, but it's a VERY REAL part of the high school dating scene. I can't imagine it's going to differ in college. However, sometimes I need to remember what Christ says about all of this. Song of Solomon 4:7 says "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." 

Man, isn't that reassuring? There's no flaw in me? It's nice to know that God created the mountains and the seas, and somehow decided that I belong on this world too (without any flaws).

Anyways, if you read to the end of this, remember that God's timing is the perfect timing and that he created you BEAUTIFULLY.

Much love,

Emma Jane

(also, here's what Hunter Hayes looks like)