Ladies, It's Not Your Fault

Ladies, do you ever have entire conversations in your mind play out with someone who doesn't even exist? Tonight I was imagining myself trying to explain my previous relationship history to someone new and I found myself reach the conclusion that in each situation, it was my fault for things happening the way that they did.

I guess we can start from the most recent to the least (in relevant relationships with other people).

Most recently, I had an entire ordeal with one of my best guy friends where I confessed how I was feeling. Did it end in true love? Obviously not. However, I caught myself saying "Well, it's MY fault for catching feelings and making our friendship weird." You know what? He led me on, whether it was intentional or not, for the entire duration of the summer and then the fall semester. Like, I can name several date-type situations with him. So catching feelings was a direct result of his actions.

Before that, I was sexually assaulted about a year ago. I've opened up about it with several people, and even on this blog. And you want to know something? I felt like it was my fault for a very long time. Through explaining this to a total imaginary stranger, I divulged into "Well, it was my fault because I let him kiss me" you know? "It was my fault for even being alone with a college-aged guy".  

Let me tell you all something: it was not my fault for either one of those situations. I cannot sit here and blame myself for how I reacted to the actions of other people. In the first situation, there is no possible way that I wouldn't have caught feelings for my legit best guy friend once he started showing feigned interest.

The second situation has taken daily affirmations to convince me that it's not my fault. My good friend Josh said, "Just because you're alone with a guy, doesn't mean he has to assault you. Being alone with a guy does not equal assault."

 And I have to remind myself of that daily. I've been alone with plenty of guys, and 99% of the time, I've been treated with respect. It's not the principle of the action, but the person performing it. And how I chose to react is also not my fault.

The first sentence when on the RAINN website is "Sexual assault can take many different forms, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault."  

So, ladies. Just remember that somehow we have this innate desire to feel like what happens to us is suddenly our fault. Well, it's not. However, if you do something stupid, like shoot someone and go to jail...I cannot help you with my little mantra here. So, I'll re-phrase: what happens in relationships/ friendships where we are not to blame for either catching feelings or something more drastic, is not our fault. 

Repeat after me: I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES. I CAN ONLY CONTROL HOW I REACT. MY REACTION IS HOW I AM PROCESSING, AND I AM NOT AT FAULT FOR EXPERIENCING EMOTIONS. 

ok ladies, that wasn't so difficult. 

that's all for now!! 

Newest Tattoo (Thank's Eric!!)

I don't think that I can come up with words that are eloquent enough to describe how much my newest tattoo means to me- but I'll try.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which hits home in a few ways. First, I question if I can even consider myself a "survivor". What did I survive? Second, do people know how many girls go through the pain of being taken advantage of in a terrifying situation where they say "no" and still get a guy's hand down their pants or up their shirt? Way too many.  I call it more of a "sexual mishap"- and in reality, if it doesn't feel right, it is not. If you're terrified to say "no" louder because you don't know what's going to happen next, it's assault. So, I should have done something more than escape. But, at least I got out.

Now, what's this have to do with my tattoo? Just wait. God is so cool how he does these things.

Back to my tattoo.

In March, I went on a mission trip with Antioch Community church called Revive. Revive is a week-long trip where we all give up our Spring Break and devote the entire trip to following Jesus and who he calls us to be- disciples. Each day includes outreach, where basically we just talk to people. That's truly all outreach is- making friends and trying to let people know that they are loved. And when they ask why we love total strangers, we then get to tell them about Jesus. So, when I was on Dickson Street for the 2nd day, I saw an opportunity and took it. I had been looking into getting the word "Adonai" tattooed on my body in Hebrew so I could use it as a testimony tattoo to tell people about Jesus. But then...God called me out. Basically, I was praying about that tattoo and I didn't feel peace about it. God was like "Yeah, Adonai is great and all- but how is that a testimony of my love for you? That's just my name" and in response, I was then very sure that the word "Adonai" was not my testimony.

So, let's reference the first part of this article about sexual assault/ mishap. Back in August, it happened to me. So what did I do? Tell a few people and then ignore it. Then, during the first week of February, I forgot to take my anxiety/depression medication. Why is this relevant? Well, suddenly, amongst other things, I started to absolutely spiral. It was a low point and probably one of the hardest emotional weeks I had since starting the medication a year ago. I was repeating the entire incident in my head on repeat, failing to do simple tasks at work, and had thoughts of ending a friendship that I cherish deeply. (I won't elaborate on the spiral, but I do want to assure you that I did start taking my medication as soon as I realized that I had been off of it.)

In that low place, I was laying in bed one day. In my bed, I heard God speak (which blew my mind) so clearly and say "Emma, I have more for you than this in the Garden of Life. You just have to go to it." and I was like "uh you sure?"

When I say that God has never given me a more clear "yes!" in my life, I mean it.

Therefore, I wanted to put that on my body forever. A clear time when Jesus delivered me to the garden instead of my shame and depression.

If we flash forward to me walking into Ice House Tattoo shop and showing Eric a few pictures of what I was thinking- he then tattooed the garden on me. I have never been more proud to confidently say that I love Jesus and I love the tattoo on my body that reminds me every single day that He is more and He has more for me.

So, thank you, Eric, at Ice House Tattoo in Fayetteville, Arkansas. You didn't just tattoo me, you put a daily reminder on my body that Jesus will speak to you in the lowest of times (if you open your heart to listen!).

The Lord will surely comfort Zion
    and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
    her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
    thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Isaiah 51:3

Fizzle

The definition of the word fizzle is "to fail ignominiously after a good start", per dictionary.com. 

I would argue that most of my teenage and college experience in the romance department could be summed up into that one word. The cycle goes as follows: I notice a guy, a guy notices me, we start to talk every single day, I say something wrong, the conversations get more spread out, & we eventually stop talking. It's almost as if on the outside, I appear to have it all together- but then I make a comment about something that breaks that image and I've lost the guy's attention. Or, I do something that doesn't fit the "perfect Christian" stereotype- and the guy is too shook by that to realize that I am a human being and we all have our stuff that's going on. 

And you know what? That makes me extremely insecure. I feel like I'm now under this pressure to live up to a ridiculous standard- simply to meet a boy's expectation of who I'm supposed to be. To quote my favorite book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, 

(it's page 153-154 I believe- I don't necessarily know since my dog chewed the book up months ago) 

"No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man has the verdict on your soul. Only God can tell you who you are as a woman... Adam is a far too unreliable source, Amen!" 

The reason I have that memorized is that it is completely true. I just fail to instill that into my daily life and walk with Jesus because of my own crippling insecurity that I am not good enough to meet a guy's unwritten, unattainable, standard for me. 

Earlier this week, a good guy friend of mine asked me when the last time a guy did something nice for me was (like in a romantic way). I can name several sweet things guy friends have done for me, such as show up to my Ring Day, but I cannot name anything that a guy has done romantically for me in YEARS. I don't know if I owe it all to this fizzle effect that I've created for myself, the fact that sometimes I am A LOT and my baggage is heavy, or if physically I'm just not all that beautiful in the eyes of a man. 

I'm thankful for a God who takes all of those reasons and says that His love is better than one from a guy who's just trying to figure himself out in college. Our God looks at us and says "You are not too much, your baggage is worth dying for on the cross, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made in my image"  

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

God's love doesn't fizzle either. There's nothing that I can do to un-do the power of the cross. He came to save, rose from the grave, and now he stands victoriously.

Until next time,

Emma Jane

(also enjoy these CUTE photos from the Rainbow Vomit art exhibit in Dallas)

Finding Jesus with Bob Goff

I  seem to always write better when I'm in a peaceful place, surrounded by something that I love. In this case, I am sitting in the center of the Barnes and Noble Café. I am surrounded by so many books, all screaming at me to explore their pages. I have always loved book stores because I am a dreamer. I love to write stories of things that might never happen in a million years. I love to write poems that express my brokenness, and I love to blog so I can be real with people.

In all realness, I don't have any long-term goals. Sure, it would be nice to get married one day and have a stable job- but I'm really going to go where God calls me. The minute we make concrete plans, God comes at them with a jackhammer. Being in a bookstore helps me to focus on my dreams though (much different than my goals). My ultimate dream is to be an author. Now, maybe this is a far-fetched dream and I know that many people before me have tried. However, It's mine. I want to write, but more importantly, I want to write something that matters. I want to reach the heart of that one person who feels completely lost in the world and touch them. I hope to do that through teaching, but I'd love to do that through writing.

One of my favorite authors currently is Bob Goff. He combines the things that I love: Jesus, storytelling, and realness. I'm currently reading one of his novels, Everybody Always. I love the way that Bob uses simple stories to shine the light of Jesus through them. I think we can all find a large dosage of Jesus in the simple things if we just look a little deeper (although it should be obvious ideally).


Even though my life is in this weird state of chaos and serenity simultaneously (so yes, my life is an oxymoron), I will strive to (a) produce more content worth reading and (b) find Jesus in the little with my dear friend Bob Goff.

Emma Jane

April 9th

76% of the time, I have no idea what I'm going to write about on here. Usually, it is a compilation of my random thoughts and then I land somewhere wise. However, I don't know if that's going to happen with this post. Maybe I'll start about what's currently happening in my life and what Jesus has been teaching me through it.

1. School is almost over

2. I am not on speaking terms with my roommate

3. My puppy keeps pooping on my floor.


It's not much, but at the same time, my heart is constantly in a war zone. Especially with the whole "I'm not on speaking terms with my roommate". Sunday during worship, I hard SO CLEARLY God saying that Satan has NO hold on my heart. And it's true. God made my heart. God holds my heart. It's His breath in my lungs so I will POUR out my unfiltered praise. When you're pouring out praise, you have no room to pour out anger, hate, or pettiness. I've accepted that the relationship between us is gone, but I refuse to be bitter, anxious and worried constantly.

2019 has been nothing but an uphill battle. But I will pour out praise and radiate joy.

Emma Jane

Current Jam: Pursue/All I Need Is You Meadly by Hillsong Worship

Now until forever
Jesus, I surrender
Show me what I don't know
More of You
I'm desperate for Your presence
Longing to be with You
Lead me to a new place
More of You

My Thief of Joy

I turn 20 years old tomorrow. 

I do not know how I feel about it. 

I know how I feel currently and that is: anxious, upset, annoyed, in despair, etc. 

I probably had the best time of my entire life in Europe, but coming home to a roommate who gives me so much anxiety is completely consuming me. I have lost my joy, although everyone around me claims that I am radiant. 

I feel suffocated inside my own home, and I am completely over it. 

I want to be so joyful in all of my surroundings. 

Instead, I have a thief of joy in the form of a human who has taken all of our plates and hid them inside of her room. Instead, when I really need a printer, she has also taken it and hidden it inside her room. How can someone be your absolute best friend and then pull a 180? 

I don't know. 

I don't have any answers. 

I turn 20 years old, and I don't think I've learned much of anything still.

I am doing my best I guess, and that is all I can ask of myself. 

I think I have 134 days until my lease ends, so that's something. 

The One Where I Can't Even Buy Socks

I have always been extremely great at using my resources and being extremely self-aware. I can't remember a time when I was uncomfortable sending a quick email to the person who may have all of the answers that I need, or calling and having a long conversation with a stranger. Also, when I had a summer full of anxiety attacks, the first thing I did upon getting back to college station was sign up for therapy and a doctor's appointment to get medication to control it all. In college, I submit my papers to the University Writing Center to be checked before submitting them to the professor. I fully know my resources for any problem that I'm facing and know when I need to use them. With all of that being said, I'm also absolutely terrible at making any kind of decision. If it's simple, sure. However, if it is something that requires a lot of thought, I need time to weigh all of my options. I feel as if my slow-decision making skills tend to annoy lots of people. What triggers these awfully long processes? Well, have you ever held the Cheesecake Factory menu book? Have you ever brought me to a book store? Have you ever been with me when I'm trying to pick the correct socks to wear in the 30-degree weather of Europe? All of those situations involve a very slow decision-making process on my end. And many people in my life can vouch for that. However, because it takes me a while, does not mean that I am not capable of making decisions. I think that goes for anything- just because it's done slowly does not mean it cannot be done at all. I just need time.

Anyways, I say all of this because today I felt incapable of doing something as simple as buying socks. So, you win some, you lose some I guess.

Emma Jane