Two Thousand and Sixteen

Year in Review 

 (12.31.15)

(12.15.16)

As you can see, these pictures were taken about a year apart from one another, give or take a few days. Personally, I'd love to be able to sit here and tell you about my astonishing progress in the gym, or how much more I can lift, or how much weight I've managed to lose. However, I would be lying. The only thing that's changed is the fact that my pose got much less awkward (in my humble opinion). Well, to give myself some credit at the gym, I've managed to increase my bench weight, find a love for pilates, and increase the amount of time there I spend on the daily. So, that's something. Also, this year, a ton of things have happened.  For one thing, I've managed to post 22 blog posts in 2016!! (it's gonna be 23 including this one). LIKE WOW!!

 I'd like to stop and say THANK YOU to every single person who takes time out of their day to read my blog. It means so much to me. I'd like to say thank you for the continuous support and twitter love I receive for each post. You guys rock !!!!

Anyways, after knowing how awesome anyone who reads this is, I'm gonna talk about 2016 for a bit. I can definitely say that a lot went down in 2016. Do you ever see those posts about people (or animals) starting the year with you aren't gonna be the ones ending it with you? I didn't believe those to be true until this year. I guess this year had some loss in it. ESPECIALLY DECEMBER. If we omitted this month, I would write a solid review about how awesome this year was for the most part. However, God had some other plans for December. But you guys know about that. Just check the last 3 or 4 posts on this blog if you're lost completely. 

However, this year taught me a lot about myself. This year, I (painfully) learned that it's okay to let toxic relationships go. It took a lot of tears, sadness, and self-discovery, but I'm glad that the lesson got into my head eventually. Also, this year I learned that it's okay to love myself! Like wow, I'm a princess (no matter what my dress size is). I'm learning that at the gym I workout because I LOVE my body, not because I'm trying to change it constantly. I think the mindset held that I need to change became unhealthy, having me constantly consumed on what I look like. 

Also, 2016 brought a lot of ending the stigma on mental health. I have a shirt now that says "Stronger than the Stigma" and I'm completely in love. I don't think that 2016 was an easy year, but I also have never been as mentally healthy as I am right now. I know I have a long way to go, however I'm very blessed to be able to say that there's been progress. I wanted to show you guys those gym pictures to also point out that many people improve physically within a year, but I'm a lot more proud of my mental health more than anything. I couldn't post a picture of my brain, but as Ben Rector said, "I've [been] trying to share my soul with you". So I hope you guys have been able to take a peek inside mine .However, I learned about emotional and physical boundaries this year. Which probably has helped on the emotional health side of things. So on here I try to follow those, and therefore you don't get to see my entire soul. 

Anyways, I don't really know how to end this one, but guess what?

GOD IS SO GOOD!!

You guys I literally would have not made it through all of the heartbreak and the joys that this year had to offer without my Savior. There's nothing better than placing your hope in someone who's got the whole world in His hands. 

Have a fantastic 2017 :)  (I know I'm ready for it!)

Emma Jane 

Lixo Gato: Short Lifespan, Long Memories

Lixo Gato (lee-shoe ga-too) 

I have been putting this blog post off all day. Because never in my life have I cried anymore than I have the last 24 hours. Yesterday, after getting home from a church member's house, I sat in a giant chair. For everyone knows that I am far too lazy to want to change out of nice clothes within a few minutes of getting home. As I was sitting there, I heard the dog's feet and the howling of a cat. My new kitten was in the jaws of my black lab dog, Luther. I jumped on top of luther with my entire body and also tried to have a hand on our littler dog, Speedy. Screaming for help, finally my dad came into the room, grabbed a wooden spoon, and pried the kitten out of the dog's jaw. He was in some rough shape afterwards. Not being very big, he was extremely bloody, and panting heavily. We assumed he was in shock.

(last picture taken of him, in his worst state) 

He then got moved to my room and provided litter, water, milk, and some food. He was wrapped in a towel and laid on my floor for hours, occasionally crawling under the bed. We forced him to drink some water, and then he vomited it back up, along with any food in his system. He had no puncture wounds, but we're guessing it was internal or pure shock that did it. He was in my room until 1am, because that's when he stopped breathing. 

This cat was with us from December 9th to 1am this morning (Christmas Day) and he was so amazing, and even more symbolic. Right at the time he came, I had just lost a few friends of mine (Hence the Wilted blog post) and he came at the perfect time to make me feel better. Usually, in the past, I had turned to guys for comfort, but this kitten had supplied all of the comfort I needed. He was something to be proud of. He also loved to cuddle. I swore he knew more math than I do because he would never let me study for finals. He accomplished this by walking directly across my laptop and then flopping down on my hand, purring. I can't express the love I had for this cat, but I guess it's time to focus my energy on showing even more love to my friends. 

However, pet deaths are really hard because I don't have any proof as to where his soul went. Is there a heaven for pets? Do they go to the human heaven and go purr on cancer patients? That's what I hope. I hope Lixo Gato is up there loving on some cancer patients who've passed or some infants. I know God is in control of those things and might be laughing at my theory as I type, but today is another example that He is in control. Job 1:21 says And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”. I don't know if you're familiar with the story of Job, but God took away everything from him. Like EVERYTHING. And Job remained faithful. I wish to be like Job, knowing that the Lord has taken away my kitten, but there's something much better waiting ahead for me. It's like the "windows and doors" philosophy. Doors close so windows can open. Lixo was a huge door. My previous friends were big doors too. I guess this means that there's a really really small window waiting for me to crawl through. 

Anyways, 

I hope your Christmas is blessed

Emma Jane 

Squad Christmas

Emma's Blog: Christmas Edition 

This Christmas with friends was one like no other.

Our Stats:

1 injury
1 nosebleed
2 spills 
6 onesies
9 boxes of pizza


Now, there's a story for each one of those. The injury happened when a few boys were wrestling on concrete floor. Do I need to say anymore? The nosebleed came from pure accident I think. I didn't see that one happen. The two spills consisted of the cat's water bowl and a bag of doritos opening from both sides (that was interesting). Now, the onesies.

Oh, the onesies. Here we go: I walked out to the porch when I saw a few friends pull up in the driveway. They exited their car and appeared in front of me in onesies. My smile probably grew about 10 times in size at this sight, because I think we've all spent too much time being old this year, and those onesies reminded me especially that it's okay to be young. They both walked into the house and got an applause and lots of pictures taken of them. I loved it. However, there were four other boys (two of which had come looking dressed up) who all wanted in on this onesie epidemic. Therefore, the four boys loaded up one car, drove to walmart, and purchased onesies- which coming home led to a loud round of laughter and smiles.

Scholarship applications make us all forget to enjoy being young. Responsibilities make us all forget that it's okay to have fun. I learned that night that it's okay to have fun. Also, the 9 boxes of pizza are pretty self explanatory.

However, one of the most special parts of the entire night happened right before we ate. I stood in the middle of my living room and called everyone together to say grace. Being able to pray in front of a large crowd is truly amazing, especially when that giant crowd is a group of people that you love unconditionally. It's the one time in the whole night where everyone's together in the same place and joining hands. Now, I don't know the religious background of each person, but it warms my heart to see everyone together with their heads bowed down.

(you get to see this picture twice because it's my favorite)

Also, another really cool part in the night was Tea Party Christmas. For the last year, I've been apart of this group chat full of people that I love a whole lot. There's six of us and we probably talk almost every day. At this party, everyone brought christmas gifts (except me because mine are still shipping over here from the online store). It warmed my entire heart even more because each gift was so thoughtful. I got two journals, which made my heart incredibly happy. If you know me at all, you probably know my love for words. I also love blank pages because I'm able to fill them with words. Needless to say, it rocked. 

I don't think I've ever been so grateful for a group of people. This Christmas with friends was one for the books, and I'm so blessed to call each and every single person who showed up, a friend of mine. 

With lots of love,

Emma Jane 

(Oh, and Merry Christmas!) 

Rainbows

Through this blog, I have clearly seen that I don't know God's plan for my life at all. I come here to write when I'm having a rough time, and then I usually follow with a post a little while later letting everyone know that things got better with time. So here I am.

Two weeks ago, I was very wilted. I don't know if it's the fact that I was stuck in school all stressed out, or the circumstances with losing some friends that week. Probably a combination of both. However, since that week ended, things have looked up.

It honestly amazes me that in the midst of darkness, God seems to provide a small little light, and then it keeps growing bigger and bigger. I've been able to bond with so many new people and see so many new friendships brewing, and it's incredible.

I don't have much to say today, but I honestly hope that someone who reads my blog is able to see that the world will fall apart sometimes- and that God puts all the pieces back together just at the right time. I can't imagine walking this road of life without my Savior being the leader and creator of it.

There is a rainbow after the storm, y'all. God promised us that much way back in the Old Testament, but we just seem to forget it sometimes.

With love,

Emma Jane


Also!! Check out my friend Ian's blog!!

Wilted

As I look outside into our garden, I can't help but notice the dark skies and the wilted flowers. The flowers were happily blooming a few weeks ago, but now they've lost all color and their stems are turned towards the ground. However, I know they'll bloom again in the spring. But for now-they're wilted.

I think people are like flowers. There are high points, and there are low points in each person's cycle of life. Like this weather, I haven't been able to explain myself lately. I find myself very wilted. There's been a lot of emotional turmoil lately, and I haven't been one to combat it very well at all. I have yet to understand how people could treat other people as objects. I also don't understand how people can throw other people away from their lives like it's nothing. There's nothing worse than feeling unwanted by someone who you trusted with even your own life. And there you have it, thus why I am wilted. I have become slightly unwanted, causing any walls that were previously built, to be completely crumbled. The cold, the wind, and the winter season has not only affected the flowers, but it has affected me.

Each person who enters my life, for whatever reason, fulfils a very important role. Whether it be entertainment, comfort, love, trust, wisdom, or company- each one matters. Others might say "hey, not everyone you lose is a loss", but for me, it sure feels like it for a while. Each person who's lost takes a piece of my crumbled heart with them. Then, they either pretend they aren't holding any of it, or they use every feeling I gave them to make me feel even more miserable in losing them. The latter consists of spilling my secrets, or carrying on our traditions with someone else. Which, in non-poetic speaking, basically sucks. It has me questioning if I don't understand people, or if I don't understand my God. I don't understand people because they are bullies. I don't understand them when they treat humans like objects. And I don't understand them when they're able to put their trust in a God who also claims to be MY savior too. And MY hope. Because if their God is taking care of them, then who's left to take care of me? I don't understand it. And maybe, just maybe, this is the part of my brain that is wilted speaking.

Maybe faith is believing that the sun will come back out again or that there will be some sort of justice shown to those who treat you badly. Maybe faith is the fact that I'm still living a healthy life.
Maybe faith is knowing that if I were to die right now, I'd be dancing with the King of Kings. I think faith is something that isn't based on any logic. (For example, I gotta have faith that I'll pass my finals.) But I also think that's why having faith in someone you can't see or touch is really difficult. During the wilted times, it's even harder to find Him in the darkness. But that's faith. There's a Savior in the darkness with his arms open wide, ready for me to run into. I am pursued by my Creator, and there's nothing better than that. I don't understand people, but I understand that my God loves me even when I'm wilted.


have a great week :)

Toxic Relationships//Rant

So, my title here kind of gives the topic of today's blog post away. I want to talk about toxic relationships today because I see them constantly-in my own life and of those around me. I don't think I was made aware of what a toxic relationship was until I junior staffed at Camp Lone Star the summer after my sophomore year of high school. The dictionary definition of toxic is: causing unpleasant feelings; harmful or malicious. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem too great. A relationship is a connection, association, or involvement {with someone}. Uh if you’re supposed to be with someone, why would you put up with the unpleasant feelings?

I’ll tell you why. You tend to fall in love with that person. Therefore, when someone who’s a third party says “hey, that person is no good for you”, you’re so reluctant to listen or believe what they say. The example I usually use is this: an abused child will always run to the parents who have hurt him or her. The child still loves his or her parents regardless of the toxic relationship between them. The parents are abusive, so it’s easy to be a third party and say “hey, they should leave and get new parents.” But in our own lives, that’s a little harder. We say, “I love this person, so I can handle it. I can handle constantly questioning my worth to that person or handle the fact that they’re in a relationship and telling me that they love me too. I can handle the occasional punches or the blows to the self esteem. I can justify all of this out of LOVE.”

Do we actually know what LOVE is? Love is Jesus dying on the cross for us. He loved us so much that he gave his life for people like you and me. We’re called to love our significant other like Christ loved the church as well. Does loving someone like Christ loved the church look like “Hey, I love two people at the same time” or “Hey, don’t plan on getting attached to me, alright?” or “Hey if only you would lose a little weight, I also wish your butt was bigger” This is some sub-par loving if you ask me. It’s some toxic loving. Emotional manipulation will never be love. Christ didn’t emotionally manipulate the church, he DIED for them to take away sins.

So what happens when you realize this? “Oh, this love is bad for me. This love is hurting me more than fulfilling that place that God left for someone perfect.” Well, the first step is to cut off ties, in the best way possible. That lame “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse might actually work. Just because someone’s toxic for you, doesn’t mean that they will be for someone else- we all have different emotional needs. A person doing something harmful to you doesn’t rule them as a harmful person for everyone, let’s keep this in mind while I rant. However, you gotta block them on snapchat, twitter, instagram, tumblr, whatever it may take. GO ON A DIET! THEY ARE YOUR CHOCOLATE CAKE AND YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEONE WHO’S YOUR CARROT STICK. What I’m trying to get at is that they’re bad for you, so once you realize you need to diet, go all out. Throw the cake away, replace your whole fridge of friends with people who are there to support you in everything you do. Hit up old friends that have lots of wisdom. Do not- I repeat- do not go hit up this toxic person when you are sad. That is how you slip right back into feeling sad again. You worked so hard to get them out of your life, why invite them in again? What good will that actually do you?

Eventually you’ll probably start to feel how John and Stasi Eldredge describe in their book, Captivating : “If only you had been prettier or smarter or done more or pleased them, somehow it wouldn’t have happened. You would have been loved. They wouldn’t have hurt you. And most of you living with the guilt that somehow it’s your fault and you aren’t more deeply pursued now.” (Page 86).Somehow, when we’re treated badly, our brain goes to thinking it’s all on us. This is not true. There might be days where you break down in the middle of the kitchen and miss that person. That’s alright. It’s a healing wound. You’re healing. Whatever that process contains will be okay- as long as it’s far away from them. If you wanna go to Dairy Queen and get a blizzard to numb the pain for a while, that’s alright. Also, don’t you dare think that you’re not allowed to be sad about a relationship that you ended. Heck yeah you are. You’re still grieving just as much as you would be if the other person did. If they ended things, you’re entitled to your healing process as well- as long as it doesn’t involve them. They’re your bag of puffy cheetos. Try to find the salads of the world, and stick to them. They’ll get you much farther.  

Citation

Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. Nashville: Nelson, 2005. Print

Orange juice and haircuts

I'm not sure if its the orange juice, or the adrenaline that's enabling me to write in this state of exhaustion. However, I thought I would talk about today a little bit. Today I was blessed with another opportunity to serve the homeless people in our semi-local community. A few stories today really touched my heart.

As I stood behind a table, categorized as "ladies shirts", folding the mountain of clothes in front of me, a woman came up to me and she was wearing a knit hat for the winter time. It was a soft shade of purple, and I exclaimed that I had loved her hat. I saw her smile get wider than it already was and so she took off her hat and showed me her hair as well. She told me her story and showed off her new haircut, extremely proud of it. Honestly, she was a delight to be around. I think there's people out there who are terrified to come serve the homeless, but fail to realize that they're people that Jesus died for-just like us. Most of them smile, just to see you around.

Also, something struck me. Another woman was at the tables today looking for a pair of pants. Lots of people come to look for clothes that fit them, however, do you know what I heard on repeat today? "I'm trying to find another pair of pants because the ones I'm wearing are all I own" Can you even imagine only having one pair of pants to wear? I'm one of those people who own several pairs of jeans, yet still complain about having nothing to wear that day.

Lastly, I realized that we all have life fairly easy. Today, another woman was looking for long sleeved shirts. That seems pretty normal, because who doesn't love a good long-sleeved shirt, right? However, she informed me that it gets cold underneath the bridge where she sleeps. Ya'll. How many of us have a bed to sleep in every night? How many simple pleasures do we take for granted? Today, a woman needed feminine hygiene products. We weren't able to supply any, and that broke my heart as well. I just believe that God has always provided for us, and will continue to provide to our brothers and sisters in Christ who aren't as fortunate as us.

And, you may ask "well, what's this all doing to your heart?"  Today I have a decent answer.

Each month, we pray in and pray out of our time there. Usually the pray in is filled with my mental list of things that still need to get done before we open for business. The pray out is when my brain and heart slip out of "efficiency mode" and into "sentimental mode". I realized that I definitely want to expand this ministry through supplies to bring, and especially people. I don't think anyone really knows what these days ential until they experience them. I have so many friends who don't love Jesus, but maybe for a few hours, they could see Him at work. These people that come every single month aren't there for the pleasurable feeling or because it's easy; they're their to serve Jesus through serving others.  I'm honored to be included in such a wonderful ministry that does nothing but care for others. I felt a little lost in my purpose for this year, but by doing this- things have started to clarify. God's obviously holding up a sign that says "THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU" and I sure am glad He is. Sometimes we need a good reality check. And sometimes we need to give up our afternoons to get the message all soaked in, and to show Jesus to others through our actions.

Photo Creds

have a blessed day

Emma Jane