February News

I know it's been a while since I've posted on here, but trust me when I say that I've had a lot going on. First of all, I started to write for the Odyssey, and I have an article due every week. Writing for the Odyssey has really pushed me to do so many things, made me develop my skills as a writer, and TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE GIFS. I really love it though. However, sometimes I feel like I simply write for other people, and I've stopped writing for me. Today, right now, I'm writing for me. And using gifs.

However, I've learned a lot about myself this week though (probably more than I wanted to dig out). This is because this week was extremely difficult for me, and it all could have been avoided. This past week, I joined Tinder so I could write an Odyssey article about it. Basically, messing with my own life for the sake of a good read. I'm not sure if I did the article justice, but it's out there and can be found here!

Going into it, I was already terrified. I mean, like I had to talk myself into it for hours, and then I still wasn't sure about it when the app was downloaded. I had been against the entire app's concept ever since I had seen a friend of mine use it. However, I told myself to get out of my comfort zone, and I definitely got more than I bargained for. 

Through that process, I kept it a secret from most of my friends, and when they found out what I had done, they all freaked out. I mean, they completely flipped. Which makes sense. I think anyone who reads this blog cares about my well-being enough to know who I am as a person. We've all seen the effects of what someone who hurt me can do. Just scroll down on my homepage.

Each one of my friends shows that they care about me in different ways. Sometimes, it's the sweet approach, and other times it's getting angry that I'm doing something stupid in their eyes. Or both. This week, I got some of both (more of the anger). And you know what? It absolutely sucked. This whole thing was so hard for me, and the idea of actually dating someone is quite terrifying. My roommate, a very wise person, told me I'm not ready to actually date someone. And she's absolutely right.

Realizing that this week really did suck too. Because you don't realize how terrifying it is to possibly be vulnerable with someone until you realize that you might have to be. Or you might not. But dating requires vulnerability, and there's a brick wall around my heart at this point. Tinder did no steps to bring that down. In fact, I think it added a few bricks. There's no way in the world that I want to be hurt again. I know that, my friends know that, and strangers probably look at me and know that. It might as well be written on my forehead.

My friends got upset because they figured I'd get hurt again, and they don't want that for me. I don't want that for me either. At the end of the day, no matter how upset at them I was for all the angry comments and confrontation, I love them to death. It's so hard to accept that someone cares about you, but I'm learning that every single day I'm going to have to convince myself that they do until I believe it wholeheartedly. For now, I think I'm going to remain single until I'm not afraid of pain, and stick close to the people who care about me. Until anything changes,

Emma Jane

Poetry

the sun is

shining its light

on half of the world

at a time

and you are the half that

receives the most warmth

the attention, and the bright-eyed love

until the storms roll in

shooting, scrambling, running for trouble

to cause mayhem in your light

ruining everything

showing all of the worlds

darkness

and although the flowers try to reveal themselves

instead if absorbing the fresh water, they

are trampled by its demanding nature

as is the entire world

feeling as if you should be seeing

Noah and his Arc, like a life raft

to your broken light

and absence of

the sun

Poem 2

hidden is my desire to know

I am wanted

by anyone and everyone

a soul in this world

hidden is

my raw heart

though wounded like a soldier at war

breathing, beaten, battered

it stays alone

with my thirsty desires

and hidden is

my ability to know

when to stop loving

because although you fulfilled

my desire

but sent my heart to war,

it still wants to love the parts

that was on its side, not putting bullet holes

in the fragile cracks

so hidden are these things  

to keep it above the shore

Nostalgia

Back in Cisco, I remember having many moments that I spent washing the dishes. When faced with the task alone, I was reluctant to do them. However, I remember when our youth group was trying to make enough money through fundraiser meals during lent and advent to make it to Camp Lone Star. We served meals on wednesday nights to the people in the church, with a general donation box sitting right next to the plates. After the meal, it was our job to clean up. And with the clean up, included doing the dishes. In the church kitchen, standing closely next to the sink, was a girl who had bright eyes, a great personality, a beautiful smile, and happened to be one of my best friends since the 5th grade. Next to me on the other side of the sink  stood a tall, curly-haired, goofy, boy who never failed to make me smile.  The three of us, lined up like chickens, would wash the dishes. One of us would scrub the gross dishes, one would rinse, and one of us would dry them. Occasionally my little brother would pop in, or maybe I simply don't remember him being there (sorry Alex!). This became a routine, and these people brought joy to my face every single week, even when I didn't feel like it all.

Tonight, I was washing the dishes by hand (thanks, broken dishwasher) and I couldn't help to dwell on one of the sweetest memories from my past. Today I also finished watching The Office, and I realized something. Life is very short, and I didn't take advantage of those small moments. If I had someone recording my life for the passed 10 years, there are probably so many times where I would scream at myself for not loving the moments where we were scrubbing dishes, or all the times I was a less than wonderful friend to the people who stood right next to me while doing them.

I can remember another incidence in the kitchen where the church had been hosting a New Years Eve party, and for some reason, I was not happy. I had gotten upset, so I ran off to the kitchen, and leaned my head against the cabinets underneath the sink- a place where I had spent a good amount of time working. My two friends followed me in there, cheered me up, and I remember taking a selfie to commemorate the moment. I even just spent the last 15 minutes stalking myself on Instagram to try to locate this selfie, but I could not find it sadly. I would have shown you guys, just for the fun of it.

Anyways, life gets crazy, and it's wild how doing the dishes by yourself at midnight makes you miss doing the dishes with the two people who have never left your side. I'm so blessed to have both of them in my life. I hope everyone finds those people who automatically put a smile on your face.


With much love and nostalgia,

Emma Jane

P.S I've started to read "single. dating. engaged. married" by Ben Stuart  & I'll probably let ya'll know what I think when I'm done reading it :)

Breakaway// Breaking Away

I stood up at Breakaway today. I stood. And before you ask what this means, know that it is important. And I was terrified and overjoyed. All at the same time.

Breakaway is an on-campus ministry that allows students to come together and worship Jesus together and receive a message that's given about Jesus. I vaguely knew about it before entering college, but now that I know about it- I can't stop going. It's something that renews my heart each week, getting to yell songs that worship our Lord. It happens weekly, and I've only missed a few of them, but I don't like it when I do.

Because it was the last breakaway of the semester, things ran a little differently today. First, the main speaker, T.A., asked anyone who had taken their first steps in their walk with Jesus this semester to stand up. Personally, I came into college having a relationship with Christ, so I stayed seated. Don't get too excited. I thought I was safe, until he said something that surprised me. We had just got done singing Reckless Love by Cory Asbury, which I had done very passionately and the guys next to me probably thought I was crazy because my hand was above my head and I was practically screaming the lyrics. T.A. then said to stand up if at some point during the semester you resonated with the song lyrics that go: "there's no mountain you won't climb up, shaddow you won't light up, coming after me. There's no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down coming after me." Basically, he said to stand up if you came into the semester a little lost, God came after you, and you deepened your relationship with God because of it. Now, realizing how passionately I had sung that song, this is when I stood up.

It was extremely scary, because I was surrounded by an entire row of people that I knew, and I was scared that they might judge me. It sounds crazy admitting it now, but that was my initial thought. However, while TA was praying, and I was still standing, I realized something. This semester has been such a blessing. While it has been stressful beyond belief, it has also been something that God has had His hand in the entire time. Before coming into A&M, I had made a few bad choices in order to gain approval from literally anyone, and longed to deepen relationships that were ultimately toxic. I was pursuing bad friendships and fighting against God to keep them. Those choices made me into someone who was ultimately lost, and ignored the solution to the problem. This summer steered me into the right direction, but walking into this semester, I didn't know what to expect. God threw me into Bible Studies and hearing His Word at least 4 out of the 7 days in the week, and gave me a community of believers to help guide me on the path that He set out for me. Im thankful for Breakaway, and all of these people/ opportunities, because I've been able to break away from this desire to gain approval in ways that are harmful to my faith and my body. I still long for the approval of others, and I don't know if I will ever stop or if every human has that longing, but I've broken away from the hold that Satan has had in my life, trying to steer me off of the path that Christ obviously has mapped out.

So today, I stood up at Breakaway. And I am not ashamed.

Rejection

About a month ago, I applied to be a part of the Black Box Residency program for writers on campus. I waited anxiously, and yesterday found out that I was not accepted. In order to apply, I was required to share my works to be reviewed. This news has made me question a few things about myself, and I don't like it. Part of my identity is knowing that I'm a pretty good writer. I love to write. That's become part of who I am. It started in 2014 when I started to write instead of sitting in a therapist's office to talk. Writing helped me heal, and helped me find an outlet.

Since then, the pattern has continued. I started this blog, hoping to be able to show anyone who reads that things do get better in time. I use myself as a prime example that brokenness is mendable through Christ. Along with this blog, I write poems. The poems aren't as uplifting. Quite frankly, they're depressing. But they do help me stay in touch with how I'm feeling. I write to process new feelings and help process old ones that resurface. Whether it's new wounds, or old scars, I write about both with the confidence that I am not alone in my feelings or in this world.

I sent in poems for this application, and now I'm not sure how great they actually are. If these judges or whoever is reading my application, didn't like them, does anyone really? I have a pipe dream to publish a book full of poems one day. But would anyone actually read it?

This rejection has suddenly made my self esteem and self confidence drop heavily. And I'm not sure how to process that. As a person, I need validation from others to believe that I'm important, and I am convinced that as a writer, I need that too. I need someone else to believe in my words. Anyways, here are some of them.

I am a survivor.

I have yet to survive poverty

Nor hunger, abuse, or a bed-less home

I call myself a survivor

Because I escaped

Almost on my own

I have yet to survive a hurricane

Through tornados plenty

Swirling through my brain

They drowned me in sorrows

But who would’ve known

That the things I told myself

Were worse than a torn-down home

I have yet to survive a burial

Six feet under is a long way to go

But climbing back up

That’s not one to be known

Anxiety is the grave

Pulling me in limb by limb

Oh, how I almost let him win

I have yet to survive treatment

That takes the hair off your head

Though sitting in therapy,

Trying not to wish to be dead

Hard work, the painful talks

Never a tear shed

Though I relearned how to walk with God

And all He had to say

He told me that I could make it a few more days

I have yet to witness a miracle

Though I’d say living is one to tell

The thoughts didn’t win

They took a bus to hell

Along with my negativity, internal bruises, and years of pain

I’d say to wish them well, yet they left a stain

I have yet to witness a survivor

Without a story to tell

Whether it be cancer, abuse, or poverty

I hope we stand to yell

Yell at the world

Yell out our strength

“I am a survivor”

Hiding

When I was a child, whenever I felt that someone was upset with me, I would find a very small space and hide in it. Usually this place was a closet. I would sit and wait until someone came to make sure that I was okay, and sometimes nobody did. I believe that the hiding still happens, but in an electronic sense. I leave group chats, and isolate myself in my mind, believing that nobody could care about me in that moment. I believe that the action of hiding in a closet should have been a red flag for the diagnosis of Anxiety. However, I did not know until years later that it had a proper name. I think that I had assumed that every child hides in closets and gets irrationally upset over the smallest things. Looking back, I wish the rational part of my brain would have handled the overwhelming emotions slightly better.

Although I wasn't able to handle my emotions as a child (and still hardly can't), the Bible lets me know that I'm not alone. In the story of Adam and Eve, after they had listened to the serpent and eaten the forbidden fruit, God calls out to them. And what do they do? They hide. (smh, right?) We look at that and start to get our judgemental faces on. ("how could they hide from God?") Well, this is coming from a girl who used to find safety in a closet, so...I'm here to tell you, it's starting to make much more sense. God does find them, and punishes them for deliberately disobeying Him. He punishes future generations, because this is when sin had entered the world.

I'd like to think that we each have our own serpent, tempting us with whatever we struggle the most with. Whether it be the need to feel important and validated, control, power, comfort, alcohol, sexual temptation, or whatever it is, we all have one (or a few). And what do we try to do? Hide from God. If you have not experienced this, I'm here to tell you that it truly sucks. Sometimes when we choose to listen to the serpent, we have to ignore God. I have always had this overwhelming flight instinct when determining if I should fight or flight at something, and I tend to fly from the thing that is the very best for me, or the people that care about me the most. Is it healthy? Of course not. Is it something that I've been working on for years? Yes. Whether it be an actual closet, electronic isolation, or in Adam and Eve's case- physically hiding, God will always find us.

I'm blessed with parents who usually come find me, and very blessed with friends who run after me when I'm feeling unloved. BUT most of all we're ALL blessed with a GOD who will ALWAYS find us. Even though Adam and Eve were kicked out of paradise, they were never forgotten about by their creator. And we aren't either. No matter how many times we hide.

Home

For the majority of my life, I have never been able to determine where "home" is. Is it in Austin where I was born? Is it in St. Louis where my childhood years were prime? Is it in the place where I spent the longest amount of time? Is it where I spent the majority of high school? Or is it where I am now?  The question of "where's home for you?" Is such a difficult one to answer. All of this moving around, has made me realize a few realities.

The first one is that if I try to determine where my physical "home" is, I will be trapped in an overwhelming identity crisis. This is because there have been so many places where I have been, in my short life thus far. I have lived in a 2-story mega house, 2-bedroom apartment, and 3 bedroom houses. All of these places vary in size, shape, style, and location. They even vary in what state that they are placed in. I haven't gotten to go outside of the United States, but stay tuned- it's on my bucket place.

The second reality is that I have always been jealous of anyone who can proudly stand in the "12 years together" picture. Every person that I talk to usually tells me that growing up with the same people isn't all that great. However, I can't imagine anything better on some days. I guess it is true that we will always want what we cannot have. Regardless, I have been blessed to move around more than I have wanted. The benefits exceed my personal identity crisis. I have made so many friends, and they are all scattered across Texas and the United States. One of my favorite families lives in Massachusetts, for example. I've known them for about 10 years, and we all met in St. Louis. There are so many people who I've been blessed to meet and that become a part of my family, simply because I have not stayed put for very long. 

The third reality is that I usually try to find the sense of "home" in a group of people. That group has changed over the years, obviously. I remember it really started my sophomore year of high school, when I was invited to a Christmas party with a friend I didn't know that well. That small friendship and small party grew into a large group of people who eventually called themselves "squad", and you can scroll further down into my blog to read posts about how amazing they all are. I had found my place in High School, and it was wonderful. However, once High school ended, I knew it was an end of a great era. We split apart, each doing our own things. Another group that I have found a sense of "home" in is a small group of 6 people from my high school, and we still talk on the daily. I am forever blessed by them as well. Now, in college, things aren't all that different, in terms of finding my place that I belong. I  have a wonderful group of people who support and love me, and make sure I say out of trouble on top of that. Most of them have gone to Camp Lone Star, and for the one's who haven't- they're just as amazing.

My fourth reality is, that as amazing as these people I surround myself with are, that I have an eternal home that will never disappear. I know that God has a place for me up in Heaven when this is all over. Because of this, he has solved my lack of placement in this earthly world, because he's taken care of my heavenly seat with Him. Because of this, I have an eternal Identity in Christ and His Love.


Have a blessed week :)

Emma Jane

p.s. I've been jamming to Simple Gospel by United Pursuit (check it out!!)